Page 19 of Slammed Into Inferno

It has been two weeks since Declan’s accident while he was on shift, and I will admit I have been dodging him a bit - Okay a lot. When he was first discharged from the hospital, I helped him back home and get settled, which was pretty much it. I have texted him here and there with the excuse of how we are short staffed, so I have been working more. It is not a lie per se on working more, it’s easier for me to dodge ‘the talk’with him. So, I figure if I simply work myself to the bone, then maybe I won’t have to.

Sounds fine in my head, we all know this is only going to boil over…. I am seriously trying to avoid having everything erupt in my face. I know how crazy I am to leave this amazing man who makes me feel beautiful and treats me like a queen? After my relationship with Jake with him always putting his career before me is my own insecurities. I need to work that out. I guess, in hindsight, I should have done those things before jumping into this with Declan.

Finally, I have a day off after working what felt like months upon months. Sophia and Grace wanted to get together for dinner, as I am too tired to go out, let alone be functional. I take the hottest shower I can stand to wash the hospital off because when you work so many days back-to-back; you smell like one. It gets deep into your skin and the small sometimes lingers even after showering sometimes.

After my shower, I throw on my yoga pants, my UMAINE hoodie and put my hair into a messy bun. I do not plan on seeing anyone other than my door dash person. I ordered some takeout and then put on my Netflix and hit play on Gilmore Girls. When Rory is in college at Yale, she puts the Jess and Dean mess behind her. Watching my favorite episode, I hear a knock at my door...thinking it is my door dash when I open the door, when I look up; I see it’s Declan. Damn it, he looks good in his dark blue jeans with his Engine Fourteen hoodie on with a beanie with the station’s logo on the right side. I see he is no longer in a sling for his dislocated shoulder, which is great and means he might be back to working soon. I am assuming his doctor has cleared him because, knowing Declan, he was itching to get back to work. You might ask yourself why I don’t I know this; well, I have been a shitty girlfriend and been kind, ignoring him by working.

I clear my throat, “Hey what are you doing here?” I ask him cautiously.

“Mind if I come in?” he asks dryly. Nodding and stepping aside, I let him. I shut the door behind me and move to the living room while he follows me.

He pulls me into him, which catches me off guard, and he kisses me gently. “I missed you. I have not seen you; we only have texted a few times,” he says, staring at me directly in the eyes while he holds me. It feels as if he knows what is coming.

I clear my throat and pull away from him and go to move to the couch to sit. “Yeah, I have been working so much and we have been short staffed lately.” Pulling my legs under my chin, I gesture for him to sit.

He rolls his lips together and nods his head before he speaks to me, “You sure that is all there is? Work? Nothing else is going on? Nothing you want to tell me or?” I can feel the anger coming off him.

“Dec-” I do not even finish saying his name before he cuts me off.

“Evie, I ran into Sophia and Grace the other day and they said you guys arenotshort staffed as you have been picking up shifts like a madwoman. They are worried about you, then I put things together on when you started working so much. It was after the accident. Once you helped bring me home and got me settled, it was as if you could not get away faster if you tried. I tried to chalk it up to you were telling me the truth about how you were short staffed, and it was not because the accident scared you or call me crazy, second guess us,” he says this to me with his voice stern.

I need to think about what I want to say so it does not send him over the edge, I need to be honest with him. I know I am going to fuck this up bad. “Umm…” I turn to look him the eye and say, “Yeah, I have been working a lot. Yes, Sophia and Grace are right. We are not short staffed.” The last part comes out as a whisper. I am hoping he did not hear it, however I can tell he did by the way his body tenses up.

He looks down and shakes his head and then back up to me with his elbow on his knees, “Why, Evie? What is going on here? Did I do something? What is it?” He asks me in a shaky voice.

I take a minute and raise my head to look at him in the eyes, which was a mistake because I see hurt in them. And I know when I tell him on how I cannot be with him any longer..it will crush me more than him. I need to let him go when I am not even sure I can handle being put on the back burner again. Yeah, it’s selfish. However, I have not healed fully from the breakup with Jake. Those emotions and feelings are still there, and they presented themselves when the accident happened.

“I… I… I can’t do this anymore, Declan,” it comes out as a whisper, and I think he does not hear me, then he whips his head around to look me right in the eyes.

“What do you mean you cannot do this anymore, Evie? Please tell me what you are saying because it sounds to meyouwant to end what we have going on here,” he says in a heated tone. I can tell he is trying to hold it together and, to be honest, so am I.

“Declan… being a firefighter is not only your job, but alsoyourcalling. It’s your identity. You will always put being a firefighter first and everything else second. I cannot be with someone who, again, is putting their job before anything else. Yea, maybe I am being over dramatic here, this is how I feel right now. The accident you had a few weeks ago could have been so much worst Declan. So much worse,” I close my eyes that are filling up with tears before saying, “You got lucky with a dislocated shoulder and a concussion. Answer me this? What happens when something even worse takes place while you are on the job, much worse and makes you give up being a firefighter? It would crush you.” My voice raises the more I talk to him.

I pause before saying, taking a deep breath. “I honestly do not know if I can do this again, Declan. Maybe I have not dealt with my issues from my previous relationship, you will always choose to be a firefighter over me.” I cannot stop the tears. They kept falling, and I let them. I need him to see he is not the only one affected by this. I am too.

He gets up and pacing and he turns around to look at me, throwing his hand in the air. “It’s seriously like that then, huh? Going to throw away what we have been building? Jesus Fucking Christ, Evie, this is utter bullshit, and you know it. You’re telling meyou want to endthis?” He is shaking his head at me and asks, “Do you even mean what you said to me when you came to the hospital, Evie?” He walks over to me and pulls me to stand.

Holy shit, he heard me sayit. He remembers me telling him I love himbefore I left him in the morning to go to work. I thought he was dead asleep and would not hear me. Hence why I said it like a coward. I turn my head away and only whisper, “I’m sorry.” I am even more of a coward when I cannot even say sorry to his face. Jesus, I am a fucking bitch and do not deserve this man.

He shakes his head again, “You’re sorry?YOU’RE SORRY…. That is all you have to say?” He raises his voice at me before he says to me, “I am fucking in love with you,” he yells at me with anger and hurt in his voice. I wince when he does. He takes a deep breath before he asks me, “Look at me. Look at me in the face and tell me you don’t want me to go, and we can make this work. Evie, I am hanging on by a thread here…. Please,” he is gazing at me with tears leaking from his beautiful blue eyes, begging me.

Sniffling, I say, “Declan, I am sorry, but I simply can’t.”

He is staring at me in disbelief before he turns and walks to the front door. Before he goes to leave, he turns and says, “I hope you figure out what you want, Evie, because I know what I want. If you ever needed a clue, it was you and only you.” He opens the door and leaves, slamming the door hard.

Once he has left, I sink down on the couch and only cry uncontrollably because I love him with every single fiber of my being, I cannot even say the words to him because he is right. I am scared. In retrospect, I under no circumstances felt the way about Jake that I do with Declan. It hurt me because of the words Jake said to me, his actions. This with Declan is ripping me to shreds in what just took place. I hurt this man deeply by being a cold bitch and a coward. The words were right on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to scream at him. Yes, I love him too, in my mind, being pushed aside scares me to open to this beautiful man. Yes, I need to figure out my issues, and when I do, I hope maybe I can have this with him. If not, then it is not going to be. I hear a firm knock on the door and I think he came back, when I go to open my door in hopes, he might still be there, and this is only a dream, but it is my Door Dash delivery. Some part of me must want to make this right because I throw the door open. A short guy in his forties takes a quick step back. I’m not positive I think he gasped. Yep, gasped.

He holds up a white bag and looks at the attached receipt, “Um. Evie? You order Door Dash?” He’s got a beer belly and is out in cutoffs and flip flops. Still, his eyes stay trained on that receipt as though he is terrified to look my way. I must look like shit.

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