Page 25 of Slammed Into Inferno

Hard to believe after moving to Boston merely over six months ago and falling in love with the city, my job, my patients, my new friends and, of course, Declan, I took the traveling nursing job for the next year. Yes, I am running from my feelings, and there is no turning back as I have already made the decision to leave. I leave for my first contract in five days, and I still have so much to pack and bring back to Maine. My brother- and brother-in-law are driving down tomorrow to load the truck up to bring some of my items to put into my parents’ basement for me.

When I took over this sublet, I did not need to bring any of the furniture with me, as when I moved here, I did not want a thing from when I lived out with Jake. The items I do not need to take with me are only miscellaneous things like fake plants, pictures and sentimental items. This new traveling nurse gig has me no longer than a month at a place, so no need to re-pack everything every single time I move from job to job. This job, although will pay off almost if not all my debt from school and Jake, I will miss Sophia and Grace so much, as well as Declan. I do not think he knows I am moving, and to be honest, I think it’s for the best.

The next morning, right at seven in the morning, I wake to my brother Eddie and brother-in-law Luke pounding on my door yelling, “WAKEY WAKEY PRINCESS!”

I groan and get out of bed and fling the door open, appearing like a freaking hot mess. I am in my bootie shorts, one of Declan’s shirts I sleep in every night with my hair in the hot mess bun, with my hair sticking up in every single direction.

“Well, don’t you look like shit on this fine morning, little sis,” Eddie says, too cheerful for my liking.

“Oh, um, Evie you could, you know…. put… on…. umm, some pants.” Luke gestures and looks everywhere but me. I look down and merely raise my shoulders and start walking back to the room while they are grabbing boxes.

Eddie yells, “Yo, are you going to help or--?”

“Yeah, you behemoth, apparently these are not pants, according to sir-embarrassed-of-bootie-shorts over there says I need pants.” I turn and give a tide smile and turn back into my room to put on some yoga pants, a hoodie and a sports bra. Next, they will point out I have no bra. Jesus, it is so comfy not to confine our titties into those contraptions.

Meeting them in the living room, I say harshly, “Better?” They both nod their approval.

“Great, let’s get this done and get back to Mom and Dad’s.” I gesture to the rest of the boxes sitting on my living room floor. As I go to reach for a box, my brother thinks this is a great time to give me his big brother's speech.

“Hey, I am proud of you for taking this job. I only wonder what you’re reasoning behind it as you only just moved down here about six months ago,” he stands and pulls me into one of his big brother hugs. They seem to always help; no big brother hugs will heal my broken heart.

Taking in a deep breath and count to five, glancing up at the ceiling before I turn to Eddie, “I mean what is done, is done. Yes, I moved down here after ending a long-term relationship to help learn how to love myself again and to put myself first. Now, I am taking a new job again. This way I get to travel…. so why not?”

I won’t admit to him to why I am moving, as my heart cannot stand running into Declan again. Boston is a big city, yes, but it is also small, and I know I will run into him a lot. Plus, his station volunteers a lot on the pediatric floor, so there is always a chance of seeing his beautiful face. There are also the times where I pick up shifts in the ED or at Maine General. The last run in when I was working in the emergency department was hard enough. The way he was staring at me broke my heart into a million pieces, and of course I won’t tell him my issues I have. Great Evie…. However, my brother knows I am pulling some bull shit over him.

He chuckles and shakes his head, “You know Evie, you cannot bullshit a bull shitter. You are RUNNING from admitting your feelings. Want to know how I know? Because I did this too. Remember what McKayla told you? You are my little sis thru and thru. Have you TRIED to talk to him?”

“Jesus FUCKING CHRIST, Eddie, yes, I tried. BUT I COULD NOT TELL HIM BECAUSE I AM A PIECE OF SHIT!” I am yelling now, with tears coming down my cheeks. I am already emotional over moving because I love this city so much already and I hate goodbyes.

Eddie walks over to me and pulls me into a big bear hug. “Fuck, Evie. I have only ever wanted you to be happy, and you were happy with him. The way you two look at each other is once in a lifetime to find that. I understand how you are feeling, I do. Take a minute and figure out what you want to say. Because if you wait too long, you will lose your chance.”

Eddie continues to talk while giving me the best big brother hug while I sob into his chest. “It is hard to admit you are in love with someone when you are still dealing with issues from a toxic relationship. Sometimes we need to have a rocky moment to make us realize we deserve to be happy. If being with him makes you happy, then let’s go get that man of yours. If

you choose not to be with him and you being happy is being across the US, then I will support that too.”

“All right, enough lovey dove crap. I need food.” Luke winks at me. Eddie and I chuckle and pull apart. My brother-in-law and my big brother are very important to me. I seriously need to focus on me and put Declan behind me and move on. I was too much of a coward to express my genuine feelings that I had for him, I will have to live with that and be okay with it. He was no doubt my person and I walked away.

* * *

It’s the night before I leave for my first contract at my traveling nursing job and I am so nervous because I will not only be two plus hours away from home, now a few thousand miles away in Seattle. I keep making excuses for not talking to Declan because talking with my brother was not much help either. I am still a jumble mess. After two bottles of wine, which was probably not the smartest idea since I have an early morning flight tomorrow, I decide to write Declan a letter explaining my reasons, my feelings and why I have been such a coward.

During my wine intoxicated mind, I thought this was the smartest idea. Clearly no more wine for me if these are my ideas. Writing is the chicken way of expressing my feelings. And it is the only way I think makes sense. I obviously cannot voice them when I am around him, so a letter is the best way. My thought is to leave this for him at the firehouse and if I am remembering correctly, he does not work on Thursdays. He will get the letter hopefully tomorrow and I will be on a flight to Seattle, so he won’t be able to bang my door down demanding answers. He will not know where to find me. Well, at least I hope not. I would not put it past him to be all stalker like…. again, the wine is winning here.

I get to the station, and I, of course, look for his truck or bike to make sure he is not here. Luck must be on my side, because neither is here. I walk up to the bay doors and a few of his fire brothers are working on the rig. One of them notices me and walks over to me… shit, it’s Tyler who is Declan’s best friend. I guess luck is not on my side, you shady bitch. Maybe my ass should have written him a damn email… nope. It’s the wines’ fault. Never again with the wine. I need to learn it never ends well. Get it together Evie.

“Evie? What are you doing here?” Tyler asks me in a firm tone. I mean, I do deserve it, seeing how I ended it with Declan, and I am sure he knows what happened between us and what I said.

“Hey, Tyler. I was coming here to drop this off for Declan. Can you make sure he gets it… please?” Handing him the letter I wrote merely hours ago.

He looks at the letter I had handed him and looks up at me. “Yeah, I can, but Evie, as his best friend, I should let you know when you ended things with him. It crushed him. It crushed him more than when his ex was cheating on him with this friend. Man, I thought you two were it for each other,” he chuckles.

Holding back the tears, which, of course, are from the two bottles of wine, that lead me here. “Anyway, I am leaving for Seattle for my new job tomorrow morning and I wanted to at least explain.”

His eyes bug out of his head, “What the hell? I’m sorry, did you saythat youare leaving tomorrow for Seattle? Or am I hearing things?”

Taking a deep breath, I tell him, “Yeah, I took a traveling nursing job for the next year, now I will go wherever I am needed. I need to learn who I am and who I want to be.”

“Shit Evie. Does Declan know? If he does, he has not mentioned it to me,” shaking his head, gawking at me.

“Not to my knowledge. Ty, can you please make sure he gets this and reads it? I want to make sure he understands my feelings and why I’m leaving now,” I ask Tyler in a soft voice, I do not even recognize.

He smiles lightly and nods, “Sure Evie. I will give to this him when I see him later. Just so you know, when he finds out that you are leaving or when you have left, he is going to lose his fucking mind.”

With that, I leave the firehouse and head back to the hotel before I leave early tomorrow morning. I only hope that he reads what I had to say and maybe it will help him understand why I said I couldn’t do this. Yes, I love that man with every single fiber of myself. Who knows, maybe he has already moved on. If so, I deserve that.

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