Page 41 of A Change Of Heart

Jason deserved love and happiness.She deserved to live out her dreams, and fill in all the empty holes inside of her that yearned for adventure.Was that wrong?The trip to Europe had been in the back of her mind from the day Jessica no longer needed rehab.A weight had been lifted from Stephanie's shoulders when her mother had urged her to leave home.

Steph pulled her hand from his grasp."Thank you for telling me that.”She sighed and smoothed out the thin blanket."If it makes you feel better, it was the same for me."

"So, does that mean we still have a chance?"

She was silent for a moment, searching for words that usually came easily to her."Jason, right now my life is in transition.I've been cooped up for all these years, and it's time for me to get out of here and see the world that I write about.I can't give it up, not for you, not for anything.It's been the glue holding me together."

Jason leaned his hip against the bed."I understand that part, that you need this, deserve it too.I'm not asking for you to stay, but couldn't we do this together?"

"How?"Steph swallowed hard."Of course, I would prefer you being with me, but you can't just up and leave to follow me who knows where.You have an important job, a special gift that took you many years and hard work to achieve.I'll never get in the way of that."

"You're forgetting something, Steph.I can practice medicine anywhere."

She folded the sheet in her lap.Her mixed emotions churned inside."You have commitments here.Nicole, for one.Your parents in Florida with Kristin and her baby.If we traveled for a few years, you'd miss out on every first in her young life.And what would happen if either of your parents had further medical problems?Who'd be there for them?"

"My sister and her husband's family.Their primary doctor.ER.Besides, I'd only be a flight away."

"You make it sound so plausible when it's not.I have no agenda, don't know how long I want to spend in one place, whether days, weeks, or months.My job is in my laptop.Even if you could work abroad, you'd need to sign a contract, right?"

"You're making up reasons why I shouldn't come with you.Why not list the reasons why I should be by your side?One, for protection.Two, so someone who loves you can capture the joy in your face.Three...”

"Stop!Please stop."A tear ran down her cheek."I get it.It would be simply amazing to have you by my side, but you wouldn't be free to pick up and leave whenever I had the whim."

"Just off the top of my head, I bet I could get a job at a Paris hospital and we could have a home base.It’s pretty central for you to journey for a few weeks, them come back home to me.We could do that forever."

She took her time before answering."It sounds like everything I've always wanted.My dream from the other night...but it was only a dream, not real life."

"It could be if you'd let it."In an attempt at humor, he picked up a plastic knife and waved it in the air."Have scalpel, can travel."She didn't smile."Too corny?"

The words hung between them and brought a sharp ache to her heart.She took several breaths, in and out, in and out, letting her blood pressure return to normal."Jason, let's not jump into anything.We both need more time.See where it takes us."

“Right.”Jason stepped away from the bed, from her, hope draining from his face even as he kept a civil tone."You should be released in a few hours.Don't go back to work too soon.Try to rest."

"Yes, doctor.I will take your advice."She shifted uncomfortably."I'm achy all over.That was a hellova ride last night."

"Not the one I’d hoped to take."His eyes roamed over her, as if he was memorizing every detail so as not to forget.

A wave of desire made her weak.Weak people often made promises they couldn’t keep.She couldn't hurt him that way."Jason?"

"Yes?"

She glanced at her folded hands, then back at him."There is one thing that I would like to say."

"I'm listening."He paused at the foot of the bed.

"If you and I never get together, I know this for sure.You will make someone an amazing husband.And be a wonderful father.I also know that a part of me will always love you even though our wants and needs are not the same."

"I don't believe that last part, but if you do, then I wish you luck and happiness."Jason tucked the blanket under her feet, considerate to the end."Be strong, Steph.If I'm not what you want, then I hope you find someone who is."

He turned his back and strode to the door.

"Jason.Stop!You asked me before if we could be friends?"She gulped."Please?I'm willing to try.I still want you in my life."

He stopped, then faced her.His eyes were hard."Stephanie, you're killing me.You're like the wind, blowing this way and that.Figure it out and let me know, okay?"

Tears pebbled behind her lids.She sniffed them back."Okay.That's fair, and I'm sorry.I want...I don't know what I want!"Her voice broke and tears slipped down her cheeks.

Jason stood in the doorway."You'll be all right, Steph.You’re just weak right now from the trauma yesterday.Have a good cry, then dry your eyes and go about your life.We’ll see what happens.”

She heard the door open and close behind him.When she peeked out next, he was gone.Why was she being so obstinate?Then it hit her.She desperately wanted two things but could only have one.

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