Page 65 of In Knots

Chapter 18

“You’d like that, Omega?” Cam asks with intensity.

“It isn’t my decision alone to make.” I take a steadying breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “It depends what all of you want. What you as a pack want?”

“She’s right,” Ryan says.

“I think we should talk about it at home,” Cam says and the others nod.

We walk home in silence, and I know the alphas are lost in their thoughts. But there’s anticipation in the air, sizzling between all of us, so fierce I can almost hear it crackling. Their strides are quick, so quick, I have to trot to keep up, and Ryan’s grip on my hand is much tighter than it was on the way here. Then there are their scents, so dense it would be suffocating if these were any other alphas. Instead, it makes my head spin and I’m surprised I have the capacity to walk at all.

At the garage, Ryan leads me around the back of the building, where there are a few plastic chairs resting in a circle, a barbecue pushed up against a wall, and an old oil drum sitting in the middle, ashes piled in its belly.

No one sits. Instead, the pack spans out in a circle facing one another and for a moment I feel as if I’m intruding.

“Should I go while you talk this out?” I ask.

“No, I think you should stay,” Ryan says. “You need to know how everyone feels and they need to know how you feel.”

I gulp a little. Can I even articulate how I feel? Everything is moving so fast. And it can’t lead anywhere anyway? I need to be honest about that even though the thought of ending this thing makes my stomach ache.

“I’m calling a pack meeting,” Ryan says. The others nod their agreement. He turns to me. “Everyone has a turn to say their piece. Then we talk about it. And then we vote.”

“Vote?”

“If we can’t agree. We take it to a vote. Living in a pack isn’t always plain sailing, princess. Sometimes you make sacrifices. Sometimes you have to go with decisions you don’t like.” He meets my eye and I hope to god this decision goes my way.

“I want to speak first,” I say, lifting my chin.

So many times I’ve kept quiet, bitten my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself. So many times I’ve locked all my feelings inside, bubbling away and driving me insane. I’ve not wanted to cause trouble, to upset my parents or my friends.

Not anymore. I’m going to say exactly how I feel.

“Go ahead,” Bear says, offering me the floor.

I suck in a deep breath, taking in each of their faces. They’re watching me intently, Bear with his arms crossed across his broad chest, Buzz with his hands tucked inside his pockets, Cam stroking his chin.

“I’ve never felt this way before,” I say. “I know … I know that sounds stupid, something people probably always say at the start of a relationship, when everything is new and exciting. But it’s more than that.” My eyes fall into the drum and the silver of the ashes blurs as I try to find my words. “Alphas always left me cold. I couldn’t understand other omegas when they told me about this fire, this need, burning inside them, because I never felt it. I never wanted to be touched, to be …” I lift my gaze and meet Ryan’s, “rutted. Now it’s all I can think about.”

“That fire was always inside you, Alexa. I saw it in your eyes the very first time we met,” Ryan says.

“But you lit it, don’t you see? You sparked it into life and, you,” I turn to Buzz, “you fanned that tiny flame. And now here with all of you, the fire inside me is roaring so fiercely, I’m scared I’m going to burn to ashes.” I stroke my hands down my arms, half expecting to find my skin scorching hot. “I know this is messed up. That wanting you all can’t be right, but … it feels right.”

I pause.

“Are you done?” Cam asks.

I think about this and then I nod.

“Then I’m going to speak next,” he says. “I don’t think this is wrong, Alexa. We’re a pack. The bonds between us are permanent and irreversible. You can’t see them but they’re there, binding us together all the time, twining our lives together. Our lives will always be that way. To only want one of us would be like never truly wanting the whole of that person.”

I understand. And yet, he’s wrong, I can, I can see those binds, silver lines darting through the night, alive and shimmering, connecting these four men. So bright, so powerful.

“It isn’t surprising that you want to be with all of us, that you’re being pulled into this interconnecting web of ours. And I don’t have a problem with that.” He smiles shyly at me and I understand again. He wants me as much as I want him. Then his smile hesitates. “But,” he adds, “… the implications of this are greater for you than they are for us.”

I know he is right, but I don’t want to think about that right now, of what may come down the line. I want to live in the moment, in this moment. Just for once.

“My go now,” Ryan says, and I turn to face him, knowing he could hate me for this. That this might be the end of everything. Sharing me with Buzz is one thing, but with Cam and Bear too? Is that a step too far? “I’ve never believed in the bullshit about controlling omegas, Alexa. I see how other alphas treat their omegas and it makes me sick. You’re a free agent, you can make up your own mind about things. And I want you to burn as fucking brightly as you can. To light up the whole fucking sky. I’m not going to stand in your way.”

---