Page 74 of In Knots

Chapter 20

The house seems void and empty when I return. Too big, too cold, the air con ramped up and spewing out frigid air even though there’s been no one here for the last day.

I flop down on one of the designer sofas in the living room and stare at the ceiling high above.

Is Cam right? Is everything I’m feeling crashing around in my chest just hormones? The mixed-up emotions of a little girl who got laid for the first time?

Because it feels a hell of a lot more explosive than that. Like any moment my ribs will split in two and all this passion will come tumbling out.

I take a deep inhale. But despite the shower I had before I left the alphas’ apartment, I can still smell traces of them on my skin – all four – as if they’ve branded me somehow.

I run my finger over the edge of my wrist where I can detect the scent of Ryan. I inhale it and my whole body buzzes with electricity. I rub my thighs together.

Maybe Cam is right? Maybe I’m just a needy omega like all the others, desperate for an alpha to touch me and please me and take me to heaven and back.

But then if that’s all this is – chemicals and biology swilling around and doing their job – why have I never felt this way before? Why does the thought of being apart from these men for just one day make my whole body hurt? This isn’t normal.

Am I falling in love?

Is this what it feels like? As if the sun has slunk behind a cloud and the whole world turned grey whenever I’m not with them. When all I want is to see their faces, to hear their voices.

Is that love? Or is it infatuation? Lust? Bloody hormones?

I scrub my hand up and down my face as if I can untangle all the thoughts knotted together in my head if I just rub hard enough.

They’re still there though. Firmly knotted together, tangled and twisted. And I don’t know what to do with them.

Because Cam is right? This can’t end in a fairytale, can it? My parents would never entertain the idea of me joining a pack, would never let me become a pack’s omega. And even if they did, a gang from the wrong side of town?

And yet I’m already in too deep to walk away unscathed. I’d suffer the pain of it. My pathetic omega heart has already attached itself to these alphas.

I laugh bitterly and shake my head. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why couldn’t I do the sensible thing and fall for the right kind of alpha, one my parents would approve of? Why do I want something I shouldn’t crave?

I lie on that sofa until the sun curves over the sky and starts to fall and my stomach rumbles at me angrily.

My mother calls me while I’m picking at a piece of bread, reminding me of the pool party I’ve been invited to at Margo’s. In the afternoon, Jonathan passes through the house, spotting me sprawled out on the sofa. He comes to stand in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, hip resting against the frame.

“You alright, kiddo?”

“Hmmm,” I say, chewing my lip and peering up at him.

“You ready to tell me what’s going on yet?”

“No,” I say honestly. Jonathan’s not stupid. There is no point lying to him even more than I have. But I’m not willing to tell him what’s going on either.

He examines me. “You seemed happy recently. I thought it might be that alpha your mum’s all excited about.”

I screw up my nose. “He’s a knob,” I say bluntly.

Jonathan nods his head. “Yeah, I got that impression.” I blink and meet his eye. “So is this sulking around about the knob or … You’re looking sort of heartbroken. I’m not sure I’ve seen you looking that way before, Alexa. Do I need to go and break some other knob’s legs?”

I smile at him. “I’m not heartbroken. Just confused.”

“You want to talk about it. Might help.”

I want to. I want to confess everything and confide in him, but I can’t compromise his position like that. I don’t want him to end up in trouble because of me.

“I’ll figure it out,” I tell him.

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