Page 28 of Kayden: The Past
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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes… - Danielle
Danielle looked sosmall and breakable lying in the hospital bed. She was asleep or passed out from the medication that was still coursing through her system. My heart was broken. I thought I’d experienced loss in my life, but it was a piece of me, a piece of us that died tonight. I didn’t have any memories to look back on, no joyful moments filled with kisses, nothing—just emptiness.
She called me at work, hysterical that something was wrong and that she was bleeding heavily. She was at the end of her first trimester. Long enough for us to both fall head over heels in love with the idea of being parents. We’d started to buy clothes, blankets, and all the little things you needed when a baby was on the way. We’d already planned and dreamed of what life would be like in six short months.
I’d lost friends and family in my life, but nothing cut a hole in my heart like the loss of a child, my child. The loss of a vision, a dream, felt like something entirely more, something soul-destroying. I know at first I had been scared shitless about this baby, but at that moment, I felt nothing but complete loss and utter sadness.
“Mr. Michaels.” A voice behind me pulled me out of my emptiness. I turned to face the doctor with a deep exhale. There really was nothing more to be said. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you for your kindness, Doctor. How’s my wife?” I asked.
“She’ll recover, but the trauma of losing a child will take her some time to deal with.” I was traumatized, and the baby wasn’t even inside of me. I couldn’t imagine what she’d feel when she finally came to. “She’ll be able to get pregnant again. There’s no permanent damage.” It’s a funny phrase—no permanent damage. Maybe not in the physical sense, but my heart had a chunk removed that I’d never get back. “Wait a couple of months before trying again.”
We didn’t try this time, and eventually, I’d looked at it as a blessing. But now, it was an event I couldn’t wipe from my memory. “Okay, thank you. When can I take her home?”
“Give her today to rest and make sure there are no other issues. You should be able to take her home tomorrow.”
I shook my head, at a loss for words, something I’d rarely experienced. I couldn’t keep thanking him. It wasn’t a joyful event, and I had nothing to be thankful for, except for Danielle. I walked away from him and toward my wife, my life. I sat in the chair next to her bed and held her hand. I rested my head on the bed and ran my hand across her now hollow abdomen. I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be her shoulder to cry on. She was more important than me.
I stared at her, waiting for her to wake up. Would the right words come to me in that moment? I hoped they did. Most would pray at a time like this, but the words I had for God, if there was one, weren’t pretty. I had no baby to whisper to while Mommy slept. It was only her and me.
Her hand squeezed my finger, and I looked at her. Tears were streaming down her face, but no sound escaped her lips. I wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Kayden, the baby?” Danielle asked.
“Shh, sweetheart.” I crawled into bed and held her in my arms. “They couldn’t save the baby. It was too little, D.” I held her face against my chest and let her weep. She wailed, and the tears soaked my shirt, but I never let go of her.
“It’s my fault. I did something wrong,” she cried. I held her tighter, not wanting to let go.
“You did nothing wrong. Don’t say such crazy things. It just happened, love.” I rocked her as she wept.
Tears led to exhaustion as she fell asleep against my chest. I feared the sadness would ruin us, drive us back down into addiction. I knew I was on the edge and craving something, anything to forget and dull the sadness I couldn’t escape.
I stayed with Danielle in the hospital that night. I couldn’t go home to an empty space and look at the baby stuff lying around the house. I knew the sadness would lead to drinking, and I couldn’t go there now because Danielle needed me. I called my mom and asked her to go to our place and put any baby items in the nursery. I didn’t want Danielle to see it when she walked through the door. We’d have to face it eventually. I just didn’t want it to be the first thing she saw when she came home. I didn’t want it to be the first thing I saw. The thought of it made my stomach hurt.
Danielle was almost catatonic, answering in one-syllable words and short phrases and not holding a conversation on the drive home. I helped her inside and thought about the vision I had of one day walking through the same door as a family, but it had vanished.
She looked around the apartment, “Where’s the baby stuff?” She appeared panicked.
“It’s still here. It’s all in the bedroom.” I couldn’t use the word nursery. It wasn’t one anymore. It was a bedroom just like it was before Danielle ever came into my life. She pulled away from me. “No, D, don’t go in there now.”
She didn’t answer me and walked straight into the bedroom and crumpled in the center of the room. I wrapped my arms around her. She grabbed a teddy bear off the chair and held it and rocked back and forth. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation or what to do for her. I just let her cry and feel the sadness she needed to.
When her crying slowed, and she became limp in my arms, I picked her up and carried her to our bedroom. She stared at me as I started to remove her clothes while she sat on the edge of the bed. “Come on, baby doll. You need some rest. Let’s get you out of these clothes.”
“Don’t leave me,” she said with a broken voice.
I held her face in my hand. “I’m not going anywhere, Danielle. You’re mine, my wife, everything I have in this world. I’ll always be here for you.” She wrapped her arms around me and held on to me so tightly she almost choked me.
“In the bed, come on.” I pulled her arms away from my neck and helped her lie down. I removed my clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a heap with hers. I climbed in next to her and wrapped my body around her, enveloping her in my warmth and love.
My mom stayedwith Danielle the first couple of days when I went back to work. She’d never really liked Danielle and didn’t agree with her line of work. My mom wanted a June Cleaver-type for a daughter-in-law, but those weren’t the ones I lusted after. My mom put her feelings aside and wanted to be there for us. She’d lost a grandchild and mourned with us.
Danielle had changed. The funny spitfire I’d known before she had dreams of booties and bottles was gone. The connection we had before, the electricity that filled our relationship, was only a flicker. Everything between us seemed strained as we tried to put our life back together. I didn’t know how to fix the fracture that formed in our bond. Weeks passed slowly, and everything was stagnant. Something needed to change… I held on to every shred of hope I had that we’d survive. A month passed, and she was a shell of her former self.
“I want to move, Kayden. I hate it here.” I was thrown for a loop. She’d never expressed those feelings before, and I didn’t know how to respond.
“You do?” I didn’t know if she meant another apartment or a different city.
