Page 41 of Keeping My Girl

“I went back to Nico’s room to talk to him after the movie, but he was…” My voice trails off. “I saw Nico…in the shower.” I bury my face against my knees, trying desperately to hide my face, which I’m sure is red as a beet right now. I’m still embarrassed over the whole thing. But even more so…I’m still aroused.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks while pushing her red glasses up the bridge of her nose.

I’m tempted to tell her no, but in a way, I do want to talk about it. I want to know if what I felt is normal. I have no idea what normal is anymore. “He was…touching himself. And I couldn’t look away. I watched him.” Closing my eyes, I admit, “He called out my name when he came.”

After a brief hesitation, she finally asks, “And how did that make you feel?”

I open my eyes and stare out the window once again. “It…it turned me on,” I confess, feeling absolutely horrible as soon as the words come out of my mouth.

“Well, that’s a normal reaction, Selina,” Dr. Graham assures me. “I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t agree with that, though.”

“It’s wrong,” I say adamantly, and I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more — the doctor or myself.

“Why is it wrong?”

“I shouldn’t be thinking that way about him.”

“And why not?” she prompts.

“Because he…because he’s Nico!” I exclaim, not even understanding my own answer.

“Because he’s your friend, and you don’t want him to be more than your friend?” she suggests.

“Yeah, I guess,” I tell her, but that doesn’t sound right to me. Nico is my friend, but I think we deeply loved each other when we were kids; before we even knew what love really was. But so much has changed since then. I could never expect him to want me the same as he once did.

“Are you attracted to him?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer without hesitation. “Nico is beautiful, inside and out. He’s…perfect. And I…” I stop from voicing my negative thoughts out loud.

“And you’re what, Selina?” After a long hesitation when I don’t answer her, Dr. Graham asks again, “You’re what, Selina?” she prompts.

“I’m anything but perfect. I’m broken. I’m used up,” I blurt out with tears quickly filling my eyes and spilling out over my blazing hot cheeks. I’m not used to talking about my feelings at all. No one has ever cared enough in the past ten years to ask how I felt about anything.

“You’re not any of those things, Selina,” Dr. Graham assures me. “Remember that negative thoughts don’t help us cope with real problems. They only tear us apart instead of healing, which is what we really need.” She makes a few notes before saying, “Tell me how you’re feeling right now, Selina. Use your words.”

“I feel embarrassed. I feel stupid,” I grit out while angrily wiping away my tears. God, I haven’t cried this much in years. And all of a sudden, I get here, and the floodgates are always opening. Maybe it’s because deep down I know I won’t get punished for showing emotion, for crying.

“Don’t feel embarrassed or stupid. Anything you say here stays between us. Think of me like your own diary, but in human form. You can talk to me about anything, and your words will be locked away just like in a journal for your eyes only.”

I nod, trying to absorb her words. I’ve never opened up to anyone in my entire life before…well, except for Nico. He knew the real me, but that was back then when I wasn’t so messed up. Hell, I was messed up even back then, but not as fucked up as I eventually became after being sold to Constantine.

“Everything you feel is normal, Selina. You know that, right? Nothing you feel is wrong. I promise,” she ensures me.

I nod in agreement even though I’m not sure I completely believe that. “After I left his bathroom, I went back to my room and…touched myself.” My neck and cheeks warm again. I don’t know why this is so difficult to talk about. I’m sure a lot of people talk openly about sex, especially with doctors.

“Did you enjoy yourself?”

“I couldn’t…” I shake my head, not being able to voice the embarrassing words out loud.

Dr. Graham clears her throat. “You had mentioned before that you were never allowed to enjoy yourself during sexual encounters with your captor.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. I can still hear Constantine’s words while he forced me to have sex with one of his friends.

Don’t come.Don’t you dare come, you little whore! If you come for him, I will beat you until you’re dead!

“Selina! Selina!” Dr. Graham calls out to me, but it sounds like her voice is a million miles away right now.

I open my eyes and stare up at her in confusion. At some point, I must have climbed out of my chair and huddled into the corner of the room.

“It’s okay, Selina.” She offers me her hand, but I refuse to take it. “No one is going to hurt you here,” she tells me. It’s the same thing she always tells me, but I’ve been told that before, and look what happened — my mother sold me for the second time and I was ripped away from this happy home.

Suddenly, pure and undiluted panic violently rips through me as my body begins to tremble uncontrollably. I quickly wrap my arms tightly around my knees and curl up into a fetal position on the floor. I lay there for what feels like an eternity with my eyes closed, blocking out everything else in the world and sobbing in the darkness until I hear Nico’s deep voice calling for me.

My eyes slowly open, and the moment I see Nico on his knees beside me, I suddenly crawl to him and thrust myself into his open arms. He holds me tightly, rubbing his hand up and down my back while whispering soothing things into my ear.

“Don’t let me go,” I whisper to him frantically, my entire body shaking with fear.

“Never,” he promises. And that one word makes me feel infinitely better all at once. It makes me finally feel safe.

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