Page 48 of Chasin' Cole

"No," Howard replies, "I'm askin' you to make things right withourdaughter. Our grown, adult daughter."

"Don't waste your breath," I huff. "The wordsorryisn't in Mary Ellen Young's vocabulary."

I collect my dirty boots off the floor and brush past them both. When I reach the door, I turn to face my mother. "I hope you're happy. I hope that at the expense of everyone you love, you're deliriously happy. Because no one else is. We're all miserable around you."

I let the storm door slam shut behind me as I run down to the barn, down to Sundance. The rain's let up and I need to get away from here. Away from everythin'.

I saddle my horse in record time and then, still dressed in Cole's shirt and boxers, I take off out of the barn, straight for the open Oklahoma plains.

We run and run and run. Rain soaks through my shirt and soaks my hair, but I can't slow down. I can't. If I slow down, then I'll fall apart. And I'm not far enough away yet to break. Not far enough away to let out the sob that will surely carry over the barbed wire fences and rollin' hillsides straight to Mary Ellen's cold, black heart. I hate her. I hate her so much right now.

As Sundace runs, I lay my head on her neck and let the first crack in my heart bleed. It oozes and gushes as the tears obscure my vision and I close my eyes, clingin' to my horse. Clingin’ to the only thing that’s never disappointed me. Horses don’t disappoint. They always know what you need right when you need it.

Sundance slows beneath me until she's standin' still near the same creek I first kissed Cole in.

I slide off my horse and stare at the overflowin' bed. Whatever transpired here all those months ago is bein' washed away by the rushin' waters now. Just like our love.

My knees hit the wet, soggy earth as the first sob expels itself from my lungs. I knew this would hurt. I knew it would be my undoin’.

The tears don’t stop. They just keep rollin’ down my face. I keep thinkin’ they’ll stop. That my eyes will run out of pain. But they don’t. I don’t. The pain is all too real. It hurts. Like a broken limb. A broken bone. I don’t know how to reset it. I don’t want to wear a cast.

I lay on the muddy ground and let the rain wash away every last tear.

Chapter 17 – Goodbye

Goodbye.

I don't know if he wants me there. If I should show up. If I want to...I think I want to be there.

He missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cole went off the grid and disappeared from my life even though I kept goin' back to his place. Kept knockin' on the door, beggin' him to let me in. After I picked myself up off the ground and wiped the mud off, I realized I wasn’t ready for things to be over. I wanted to talk—needed to talk to him. It was just a fight. Our first fight. And it shouldn’t have ended this way.

It's useless, though, isn't it? Tryin' to make someone see somethin' when they're too stubborn to try. Cole has always been a free spirit. There's no cagin' him in. A wild stallion always jumpin' out of the fences he's found himself sequestered in. I can’t say I blame him. Small towns aren’t for everyone.

But he stole my heart. Or maybe I put it in his hands and hoped he'd take care of it. Either way, it's his. Maybe it's always been his. And because it is, I forced him to take on somethin’ he wasn’t ready for. I didn't mean to push him away or try to tame him. I didn’t want to make him into someone he's not. I just wanted to love him. I wanted to him to love me back. But that’s not how the real-world works, I guess. It’s not daisies and dandelions blowin’ in a warm summer breeze. It’s so much more complicated. So much gets in the way. Life. Past hurts. Our own stubbornness.

I just…If I knew I had his heart, I'd wait forever. Now, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doin’.

I run my hands through Sundance's mane and stare straight ahead. The wind whips through the plains, bending the tall, dead grass to its will.

Lacey called me three times. They were loading Annabeth into the car to say goodbye to Cole and wanted to know if I wanted to ride with them.

If Cole wanted me there to say goodbye, he's made no indication. He hasn't spoken to me or answered any of my texts. He hasn't knocked on my door or shown up in the driveway. Hasn't chased me. I guess that's because I'm always chasin' Cole.

He never chased me.

The realization makes my heart throb and tumble and thrash beneath my ribs.

He's never chased me. He's always been the one tellin' me we should stop—we should slow down. It was always him puttin' on the brakes, never me.

I hang my head in my hands. What a fool I've been. A fool who fell in love with someone who can’t—or won’t—love her back the way she needs. It hurts. Oh, it’s a pain unlike any other. I don't think I'd wish this pain away. Not even if there was a genie was standin' in front of me givin' me three wishes. I'd still choose Cole. I'd still chase him. I'd still give him everythin' I had. I’d still give it all away. Just for a few, brief moments of happiness.

Because that's who I am.

I give too much. I love too hard. I'm fearless. A little reckless. I don't like havin' regrets and I don't live my life thinkin' there's a limit on the things I can do. I've wrangled chargin' bulls with nothin' but a rope. I’ve risked my life to saving Della Ray's cattle from a wildfire. I’ve never let the cruelty of others—and there's been bucket loads—make me bitter.

And I'm sure not goin' to start now.

I dig my heels into Sundance's side and twist the reins in my hands. It's a four-mile trek across the open plains, then a mile down back roads, but I think I can make it in time. I think I can make it to Cole in time to say goodbye.

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