Page 51 of Chasin' Cole

Cole was unexpectedly safe. A warm fire in the middle of winter. A hot cup of coffee on a cool Spring morning. The summer heat blastin’ through the open car window. A knitted scarf in autumn. He was the first place I ever felt safe enough to bare my true self. The one that wasn't concerned about upsettin' Mama or the pastor or anyone else whose opinion always seems to echo louder in my head than my own.

I'm no longer interested in tryin' to fit into the quiet, meek, timid box everyone keeps tryin' to shove me into. I know what I'm not now. Cole showed me that I'm not any of those things people tried tellin' me I was. Now that he's gone, I'm kind of lost without him. I’m walkin' a tattered line between who everyone expects me to be and what I really am.

I don't want to please everyone anymore. I want...I want...well, I'm not sure what I want. I guess that's somethin' I should be figurin' out now.

"Listen," Lacey clears her throat as she sits up and slips her hand into the pocket of her designer jeans. "This is the key to Cole's place. We have a copy for emergencies while he's gone. If you need a quiet place to escape to, then maybe you can find some solace there. Or maybe you can say goodbye. I'm...I just feel like I should give it to you. I know Brock would disagree, but he doesn’t know what it’s like to yearn for someone."

“Is that what I’m doin’?” I ask her. “I’m yearin’ for him?”

“I don’t know,” she hitches a shoulder. “But it kind of seems that way. Sometimes, we

"Thanks, Lace," I tell her as I take the key from her.

"Everyone always says time heals all things," she muses, "but I'm not sure that's entirely true. Sometimes, I think we learn how to live with the heartache. The love and pain meld together and become a part of who we are. That's been my experience anyway, but I might be crazy."

"You are crazy," I agree with a laugh.

"You've been through so much, Rose. I just want to make sure you’re OK."

"I have been through a lot,” I swallow hard. “But we all have. Kenzie got pregnant by Dad—I mean, Rowdy—and lied to Brock about it. Brock raised Emmeline thinkin’ she was his. Mama had an affair with Howard. I was the result of that. You came here hopin’ to fit in and you almost lost everythin’. We’ve all been through a lot. I’m no exception. The only exception is I’m sittin’ here wonderin’ what Cole might be doin’, and everyone else gets to go home to the person they love.”

“Rose,” Lacey sighs, the sound low and forlorn.

“I’m fine, Lace,” I plaster a fake smile on my face. “I just need some time to breathe.”

"Whatever you need, Brock, Annabeth, me, we're all here for you," she hugs me.

As crazy as my sister-in-law might be, I think she's right about one thing. I love Cole so much. Maybe too much. And now, I’m hurt because he's gone. He’s ingrained in the very makeup of my heart, in the fabric of who I am now. I don't know that there's any healin' for it, but there's acceptance.

I've accepted that this is what I might need to feel to move forward. To put one foot in front of the other and figure out what it is I need. Or want. I think it’s time I go on an adventure of my own.

—

The key slides into the lock and I push the door open. Everythin' is in the same place it was the last time I was here. The bed is made. The dishes are put away. The floor is still the same hard wood. Everythin’ is the same.

Except he’s not here.

I run my fingers along the dusty dining room table, inhale the smell of his lingerin' cologne.

My feet carry me to his perfectly made bed. I stare down at it for a while before I climb into it and lay my head on his pillow. I close my eyes as the first tears fall. Rememberin' the night we spent here all those months ago. How his skin felt on mine. How much I want to go back and relive that moment over and over again. If I had my own personal Groundhog Day, it’d be that one.

Missin' Cole comes in waves. There's gratitude that he loved me, but anger that he left the way he did. There's joy that I experienced so much with him, but regret that I may have given him too much of myself. Peace knowin' I said everythin' I needed to, but hurt that it wasn't enough to change anythin'.

It's been six months since I hugged him goodbye. Since I watched him leave with every piece of my heart in his hands.

I wipe the tears from my face and stare out the window. The big, blue sky peers back at me. He's out there somewhere, doin' what he loves most. He’s making movies and climbin’ mountains. Trekkin’ across vast terrain and seein’ sights I could only ever dream of. He’s doing what he loves. That's what I should be doin', too.

I love horses. I love takin’ care of them. But it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never gone an adventure of my own.Cole.That was my adventure. I can’t let that be the only one. What if I love someplace more than this one? What if I find somethin’ I love more than takin’ care of horses? What if I find myself? My real self. The one that isn’t buried beneath a pile of hurt.

I stand and walk over to the kitchen counter. I grab a pen and paper and begin writing down places I’ve heard of and always wanted to visit. Montana. Wyoming. Colorado. Tennessee. New York. California. So many places to explore.

I could drive to all these places. I could stay in a cabin in Montana, fish in Wyoming, hike in Colorado, visit Beale Street in Memphis. I want to see skyscrapers in New York and stick my toes in the Pacific Ocean. I think I want to. I think I want to do all these things.

I could go now. It’s not like I’m doin’ anythin’ here other than feedin’ horses and exercisin’ them. I could ask Howard—Dad. My dad. I could ask my dad to help with the horses while I’m gone. I know Brock and Lacey would help, too.

Is this…is this really what I want to do? I think it is. I think I want to go on an adventure.

Standin’ in Cole’s apartment, the place where so much of who I am now came to be, I realize I've spent a lot of time chasin' Cole, but maybe it's time to start chasin' some dreams now, too.

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