Page 69 of Mr. Wolfe's Nanny

In the blink of an eye, like that snowy night in Colorado when our SUV careened past the guardrail, the world shifts and drops away beneath me at the sound of that young voice, confused by what he’s seeing.Oh God, no. Please, I didn’t want them to find out like this.

But it’s too late to pretend Ryder’s father and I weren’t kissing a second ago.

“Ryder…”

“She’s not… you’re not supposed to… Howcouldyou?!”

I’m shaking so badly I nearly tumble off the table. I’m already alone in the kitchen. Theo had taken off after Ryder, his longer legs giving him the advantage. It’s a herculean effort to master the panic that’s rising but I manage it somehow and follow up the stairs to Ryder’s room.

The door is open. Ryder’s thrown himself across the bed. He’s crying quietly and it rips my heart in two. Theo’s perched beside him, tentatively sweeping a large hand through the boy’s soft hair. How could he ever think I’d call him a shitty dad? He’s perfectly imperfect like anyone else but tries to do his best for these kids.

I have no idea if it’s wise to enter or not but I start to anyway. I can’t help wanting to comfort Ryder while wanting to help Theo explain. But their words stop me dead in my tracks. I shouldn’t intrude just yet.

“You can’t kiss Ms. Quinn. You love Mom. Don’t you?”

Theo sighs, looking down at his lap. “I’ll always carry your mother in my heart, Ryder.”

I knew this. I carry my dead in mine. So, why does it hurt so much to hear him say it?

“Was it an accident?”

“Kissing Ms. Quinn? No, it wasn’t an accident,” Theo says, a chuckle looming which he wisely holds inside.

“Has it happened before?” Ryder asks suspiciously.

Theo doesn’t lie. “Yes, it has.”

Even from here, I can tell Ryder doesn’t like that. “You can’t replace Mom with some other lady.” I’ve gone from Ms. Quinn to ‘some other lady’ now. Ouch.

“I’m not trying to replace her. No one can replace another person, son. It’s not like that. But Ms. Quinn…Quinnis… I care about her, Ryder. Don’t you?”

I wish he’d said he loves me but he’s not said it at all. Why would he say it to Ryder? Maybe caring about me is as far as he can go with Kathy always in his heart.

Ryder turns his teary face towards his father as he nods. “I do but I don’t like you kissing her.”

A ghost of a smile from Theo before he schools his expression. He’s handling this more gracefully than I might’ve. “I get it. When I was nine, I thought kissing was sort of gross.”

“Itisgross.”

“Well, you weren’t meant to see that.”

Snap and Ryder’s angry again. “I don’t want you kissing her at all! Whether I was meant to see it or not!”

Theo lays a hand on Ryder’s shoulder and shakes his head. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I know it must be strange to you but this is one of those things which is between the two grownups to decide. Not you. Now, I’d like to talk to you about it some more but it’s late and I think you need a little more time to think about it on your own first.”

A mulish nod. “Will you be home tomorrow for us to talk?” Ryder asks, dubiously.

Willwetalk about things, too? There’s suddenly a lot to discuss. A potential part-time position he might not want me to take and a potential pregnancy he may not want. Uneasiness fills me. He’s told me not to keep secrets but how do I start these conversations?

“I will,” Theo answers and I’m drawn back into listening. “Your granddad is coming home from the hospital tomorrow and I’m done staying downtown at night, okay? Is that the trophy you won? I’m very, very sorry I missed seeing you win.”

“Why did you?”

“Work. I wish I could’ve been with you instead.”

“What happened?”

“Boring arguing and stuff not worth mentioning tonight. I love being part of your Great-Granddad Milt’s company but, some days, your dad really hates it, too.”

---