Page 90 of Diesel

“We actually have something for you, follow me to my office,” Brad says, and we follow him. Macy beams with happiness and the knots in my stomach are slowly disappearing.

“After Zeke died, we spoke with your father, and he explained how fragile you were, so we decided to give you the space you needed to heal. I was trying to think of a way to honour his memory for you. I have a necklace with his ashes and Brad has a paperweight and Alex had a watch made.”

“It’s fine, I understand I wasn’t around.”

“Hush,” she says, and I smile at her signature way of telling you she isn’t done talking. “If it’s too much please tell me, but Zeke had an engagement ring picked out for you, we decided that we would turn it into a memory piece with his ashes.”

Brad holds out a small gift box, and my hands shake as I take it from him and open the lid.

“We had the main diamond replaced, we kept the diamond in case you wanted to use it for another piece one day.”

I stare at the ring, I can’t accept it. This was Zeke’s great grandmother's ring. The new stone is the most beautiful crystal clear blue I have ever seen.

“Macy, Brad, I can’t accept this. Alex should have it, the ring is a family heirloom.”

“Don’t be silly, Alex has a ring from Brad's grandmother. I want you to have it, I know in my heart that if Zeke were still here, you would have been together forever.”

A knock at the door has me wiping away the tears. I place the ring in the small box, along with the diamond Macy hands me in a small jewellery bag.

“Sorry to interrupt, Mrs. Mickleson, we are about to start.”

Macy follows the party planner out of the room, Brad refills his glass of whiskey and says he will need it by the end of the day.

Diesel and I find our way outside, I recognise a few people and some whisper to their friends. Others offer a smile, but I don’t go out of my way to talk to anyone. I have zero interest in pretending to be someone I’m not anymore. Alex waves us over, and we take a seat with him and his girlfriend, or going by the rock on her finger, I should say fiancée.

We sit and listen to Alex tell stories from their childhood and so do his friends. I lived all the same memories and I smile at the good times. Diesel sits beside me, offering me comfort when it’s needed. Macy takes the stage along with Brad.

“We want to thank everyone for coming today, it means a lot.” Brad says and moves to the side, and Macy takes the microphone.

“Thinking about Zeke not being here doesn’t get any easier, but today I wanted to celebrate his life. What most of you don’t know is this party was supposed to be for his graduation. Cyrus and I planned it almost two years ago, and I remember Zeke rolling his eyes, asking why he even needed a graduation party. He might not have been able to graduate high school, but his memory lives on in each and every one of us. If I’m being honest, today wasn’t for Zeke. I wanted to do this for Cyrus.”

She makes eye contact with me, and I clutch Diesel’s hand. I know what’s coming next.

“She couldn’t be at his funeral, and I begged Alex to make it happen. I missed having her around, she was like the daughter I never had, and when Zeke died, I also lost her.”

Big fat ugly tears roll down my face. I can’t believe I didn’t even consider that me not being around would also impact her.

“Cyrus, no pressure, but would you like to say a few words?”

I find myself nodding, as hard as it is, I know if I don’t say anything, I will look back and regret it.

I make my way to the stage, and Macy takes my hand after handing me the microphone. I stare at the crowd not knowing what to say, but it comes to me.

“I didn’t prepare a speech because if I’m being honest, I wasn’t sure that I was coming. I know a lot of you know what I was like, and I’m not that girl anymore. Losing Zeke broke me to my core, and I have blamed myself for what happened. I still do, and I probably always will. I’m so sorry, sorry that I didn’t handle my mother’s death well, I’m sorry that I spiralled out of control, and mostly, I’m sorry that I couldn’t attend his funeral. Not many people know, but I was on suicide watch after Zeke left this earth, and I planned to follow.

“I wish I could take it all back, but that isn’t how life works, all I can do is remember that I loved Zeke Mickleson for my entire life and savour every memory that I have of him. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my soulmate, my best friend, my everything, and I’m so grateful that I have the chance to say goodbye today.

“I know he would have wanted me to be happy and not dwell on the things I have no control over. I won’t ever forget him, he made me into the person that I am because I was lucky enough to have him in my life. Our time together was cut short, but I will spend the rest of my life remembering him.”

I hand the microphone back to Macy. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never imagined that the Mickleson’s would ever want to see me again, and to know that they have wanted me around changes a lot for me. I can’t ever get Zeke back, I have no control over that.

Once everyone starts to mingle, I ask Macy if it’s okay if I show Diesel around. We spent so much time here, and I want to share some memories with Diesel.

I show him the massive dining area, and I crawl under the table.

“Do I need to come under?” He asks, lifting the table cloth, and I nod.

I lay on the floor, and Diesel lays down next to me, and I see him smile straight away. Zeke has carved things into the wood. Zeke hearts Cyrus, Alex eats cock, and there is a huge pair of tits carved into a stick figure body, that was after we watched one of Brad’s porn DVD’s that they thought were hidden well.

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