Page 36 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

“You think I don’t know what it’s like to lose the love of my life?” he asked, cutting me off. “Why do you think I became this?” There was pain in his voice. It was real. It was raw and full of emotion.

I believed him. But this wasn’t the time or place for this conversation. And he was hogging my air supply. “I’m serious, V, let go of me.”

“My heart is shattered into a million tiny pieces too, Sadie. It’s broken. I know better than anyone else that it doesn’t heal that quickly. Maybe you want to love him. But you couldn’t possibly love someone when your heart only beats for one person.”

“If your heart only beats for one person, then go torment her instead of me.” I tried to wiggle out of his grip.

He released me with an exhale.

I rushed past him. I needed my phone. If I was going to be stuck in this prison of an apartment, I needed to call Liza to see if she'd heard anything. But I knew. I just knew Eli was dead.

V wasn’t right. Maybe my heart was shattered, but every fragment loved Eli. And now it felt like the pieces had shriveled up and died.

“It’s you,” V said from behind me. “I love you.”

I stopped at Eli’s bedroom, my hand on the knob, and turned to look at V. “Are you kidding me, V? Just a few days ago you said you didn’t love me. You drove me away. What the hell do you want from me? I’m not just some pawn that you can play with. You don’t love me. Trust me. And the only reason you even like me a little is because you can’t have me.”

He looked exhausted. “It’s always been you.” He shrugged his shoulders. “And it always will be.”

Why now? In what maniacal way did he think this was okay to talk about after what just happened? “The whole city thinks you’re brave,” I said. “But they couldn’t be more wrong. You’re a fucking coward.” I walked into Eli’s room and slammed the door.

The smell of citrus hit my nose, causing another round of tears to escape. I found my phone and called Liza as I collapsed in Eli’s bed. I let Eli’s scent engulf me as Liza’s voicemail beeped on. I called again and again and again. Nothing.

Love was pain. And I was never going to fucking love again. I pulled Eli’s sheets up to my chin. If I closed my eyes tight enough I could picture him beside me. But it didn’t stop my heart from feeling like it was bleeding.

Chapter 16

Friday

I wanted to be dead, if this wasn’t already death itself. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t move.

A knocking on Eli’s door made me open my eyes.

“Sadie?” V called from the other side.

“Go away,” I mumbled.

He opened the door and stared at me. “Get up, Sadie.” He stepped into the room. “This is ridiculous.”

“Don’t come in here!” I imagined his stupid cologne permeating all the surfaces, removing Eli’s presence from existence. “Get out!” I yelled it again and again when he didn’t move. I chucked my phone at him and he finally left, closing the door behind him.

I sobbed into Eli’s pillow, until I had nothing left.

Chapter 17

Saturday

I felt weak and small. All those months that I had pushed Eli away, I could have been making him happy. Us happy. I regretted everything. At least the last time I saw him I hadn't been pushing him out the door like I did with my parents. At least Eli knew I loved him. I hoped he knew. I wiped the snot away from under my nose.

Regret seared in my mind regardless. I lived a life of awful choices, one after the next. Anger seeped into my bones until it felt like my body was on fire.

When a knock sounded on the door, I glared at it, daring V to come in and face my wrath.

“Alison?” I heard from the other side of the door.

Hell no. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t handle seeing Dr. Miller with his fake motives. He wouldn’t be as cocky as V. He wouldn’t come in here.

But apparently this loony psychologist thought silence was consent, because the door slowly opened anyway. “Can you come out here and talk to me?” His voice was overly soothing like he was speaking to a child.

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