Page 11 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

“But I do want to help you work through that pain. If you’ll let me.”

“It won’t go away. I can’t even get over my parents’ deaths. I can’t get over anything. It’s like I hold it close because I like being miserable.”

“Maybe you feel like you deserve to suffer?”

I slowly opened my eyes. “Why?”

“Maybe it’s easier to feel pain than taking a chance? Or maybe it’s plain old guilt?”

“Guilt? I didn’t do anything to deserve this.”

“That isn’t what I meant. How about we go back to the beginning again. This pen pal. Do you still have feelings for him?”

“Whoever said I had feelings for him?” I didn’t like that he thought he knew me after such a brief conversation.

“It was the only time during this whole discussion that you smiled.”

Was that true? It didn’t matter. “At one point I think I loved him, but I was so young.” I shook my head. “That's a lie. I still love him. But I’m not sure if it’s because he’s the last thing left from my past or because my feelings are real.” I shook my head again. “It’s probably both.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Aband

oned all over again.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s moved on with his life. Even though he stood there and told me he was still in love with the real me.”

“The real you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“If these feelings are causing you pain, it does matter.”

“Heartbreak is the least of my problems right now.”

“I think that maybe a lot of the pain you’re feeling is stemming from this issue of abandonment. Is there anyone else in your life that you feel has abandoned you?”

“Everyone. No foster family wanted me. I went from house to house. Do you have any idea what that’s like when you’re already barely holding on?”

He shook his head. When I didn’t continue speaking, we just stared at each other. I wasn’t sure for how long. But it was like he was examining my confession.

“Who else gave up on you, Alison?” he finally pressed.

“It felt like the state gave up on me. My grandmother died. My parents died.”

“Death isn’t abandonment.”

“It is when you’re eight years old!”

“I’m sure your parents loved you. I’m sure they wish they could be here right now.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“And why do you say that, Alison?”

“They’d be ashamed of who I’ve become.”

---