Page 13 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

I watched as he grabbed a pair of glasses off his nightstand. I smiled when he put them on. “I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“Only when I’m not wearing contacts.”

The air suddenly felt heavy, like there were a million things I needed to say if I wanted to be able to breathe again. Instead of saying anything, though, I closed the door behind me and walked over to his bed.

He pushed the covers back. “Just let me get dressed and we can talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

He got out of bed anyway and grabbed a t-shirt off the ground. I watched his abs disappear beneath it. No one should have been allowed to look that good in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

“I mean…I do want to talk. But I just want you to listen. I need to get some stuff off my chest.”

He stared at me from the other side of the bed. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

“No, it’s freezing out.” I looked down at his bed. I wanted to be curled up in it with his arms around me. V not opening his door was a blessing. My future was grim. And I didn’t belong in the past. For once in my life I needed to truly embrace the present. Eli was the only person that seemed to know how to do that.

There was so much I needed to say. I took a deep breath. “I’ve been in love with Miles Young since I was six years old.”

Eli lowered his eyebrows.

“I can’t even explain why. When I was a kid, I was just convinced for no reason in particular that he was the one for me. And I think I held on to that for all these years because he reminded me of home. But he doesn’t care about me anymore. Young love is supposed to fade. It didn’t for me because I lost so much. My head is messed up.”

“Summer…”

“But I don’t want to love him. I don’t. And I’m pretty sure a bigger part of me hates him for forgetting about me.” I shook my head. I wasn’t making sense. God, how could I make him understand? “He’s my past. I’m so sick of living in the past.

“And I think I became infatuated with V because I knew it could never be more. He always talked

about borrowed time or some stupid crap like that. You know how he is.”

Eli pressed his lips together.

I shook my head. “But I think I hate him even more than I hate Miles.” At least Miles had never told me he loved me and taken it back. “He’s a murderer. He’s a monster. And I’m so scared of becoming like him.”

This wasn’t coming out right. Why was I talking about everyone but him? “I’ve been so confused. And so…stupid. I was so consumed with living in the past and trying to embrace this darkness that no one should ever want to embrace, that I completely missed what was right in front of me the whole time.”

The corners of Eli’s mouth turned up ever so slightly.

“You were the first person I told the truth to. That I wanted to kill Don. There was a reason for that. I trust you, Eli. You see me for what I am.”

He started to walk around the bed.

“I was happy in the past, I was. And it’s nice to think that the future will be better. But this right now? This is me. I’m so tired of hating myself every day. There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need therapy. And I don’t need to talk. I just need to learn how to be happy again. I need someone to remind me that I’m not as broken as I feel. Because I’m standing right here breathing. I think I pushed you away because I didn’t want to accept all that I had lost. But I never meant to lose you in the process. I miss you, Eli. And I’m pretty sure you’re the only person I don’t hate at all.”

He stopped right in front of me. “You never lost me. I was trying to give you space and hoping you’d forgive me.”

“For what?”

“For not knowing that Don hurt you.”

I looked at the pain on his face. The small lines on the outside of his eyes. The sadness in his eyes.

“I did my best every day to hide it,” I said. “How could you have known?”

He shook his head. “It kills me, knowing that I missed the signs.”

That was the other thing I loved about him. He actually felt bad for hurting me. I wasn’t sure there was a better quality, besides for not hurting someone in the first place. And from my experience, that wasn’t possible. “I forgive you.”

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