Page 26 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

“I didn’t say that.”

Dr. Miller cleared his throat as he turned to a page in his notebook. “And I quote, at one point I think I loved him, but I was so young. That's a lie. I still love him. But I’m not sure if it’s because he’s the last thing left from my past or because my feelings are real. It’s probably both.”

I could feel Eli’s eyes on me.

“Alison, it is my clinical recommendation that you are not ready to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.”

“I’m not asking for your opinion.”

“It’s not an opinion. I’m a licensed…”

“I don’t love Miles.” I turned to Eli. “I don’t.” I couldn’t read Eli’s expression at all.

Dr. Miller tapped his notebook. “But you said…”

“I didn’t mean it. I don’t love him.”

“I believe you do. I believe you still harbor feelings after all these years. And I think…”

“I can’t love him because I hate him!” My voice seemed to echo around me. “I hate him so much,” I said more quietly. I blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes.

“Hate and love are very strong emotions. Usually you can’t have one without the other.”

“That’s not true.”

“You loved this boy. And your abandonment issues turned your strong feelings into hatred instead of love.”

“Your theory is bullshit. You can hate without love. I hate my foster father. I despise every bone in his body and I always have.”

“But is it possible that you craved his love at one point? That you desperately needed the support of a father figure…”

“I didn’t need anything from that man. I had a father. A wonderful, perfect father. And no one can replace him. I don’t need to talk to Mr. Crawford or anyone else. My father is irreplaceable.”

Eli put his hand on my knee and I immediately stopped talking. Shit, what had I just done?

“Who is this Mr. Crawford?” Dr. Miller asked.

“No one.”

“Alison, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

It didn’t seem like he was trying to help me at all. It seemed like he was trying to throw my new relationship into oncoming traffic for no reason. “Are you trying to help me? Because it seems like all you’re doing is trying to break up my new relationship. And our mutual friend doesn’t exactly want me to be dating Eli either.”

“You know I can’t discuss him. Doctor-patient conf…”

“And what about all the things you shared with me before you left last

time? Like how I thawed his heart? Like how he’d never abandon me? It almost seemed like you were pushing us together.”

“Hmm.” Dr. Miller flipped through his notebook. “I don’t have any record of that. Is it possible that you have unresolved feelings for him as well as your old friend, Miles?”

Eli’s hand fell from me knee.

I turned toward him. “Eli, he’s twisting my words. You don’t believe anything he’s saying, right?”

“You told him that you were still in love with Miles when you just told me that you only loved me. Which one is it?”

“I just said I hated Miles. Isn’t that enough proof?”

---