Page 56 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

“A chance to explain? You never asked for one. You let the window close and put an end to the conversation. One which I begged you to have by the way. You were never going to bring it up. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing else to say.” I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but his fingers tightened on my forearm. He was trying to get me to stay, but he still wasn’t explaining himself. This was ridiculous. “I’m not going to stand here all day and expect anything from you. I’ve learned my lesson.” I opened up the door with my other hand, but he reached above me and slammed it closed.

I wanted to run, but I knew it would be useless. I couldn’t outrun him. That much was obvious from our training sessions. I couldn’t outfight him either. And when he was this close to me, I didn’t want to. I hated myself for that.

Still he said nothing. He shook his head back and forth like he was at a war with himself.

“I’m no longer asking for an explanation,” I said. “I don’t need one and I don’t want to hear it. All I’m asking is for you to get out of my way.” I tried to duck under his arm, but he moved forward, pressing my back against the door, caging me in.

It sounded like a growl escaped from his throat. “I wanted to say those words for the first time without my mask. Because I thought that was the only way that we could make sense. It’s certainly the only way I deserved to hear it back. But I’m more me behind this mask than I am without it. And I’m having a hard time coming to terms with that. And I was just scared that you wouldn’t want me this way.”

“What way?”

He shook his head. “All the goodness in me is gone.”

It didn’t matter how angry I was at him. I didn’t want him to be in pain. “You tucked Liza in last night. You didn’t take advantage of me in my drunken state.” I left off the fact that I might have actually let him do it. “You’re not a bad person, V. You’re not. I know what you do with all the money you get from criminals. You’ve helped so many people. There’s so much goodness in you.”

He shook his head. “Then why can’t you love me back?”

I didn’t know where this was coming from. Why he suddenly realized he wanted me. But no matter how drawn to him I was, I didn’t love him. I didn’t want a life like this. It was toxic and dark. The small bouts of goodness weren’t enough. I needed so much light because my soul was dark too. Darker than his. “Because I’m in love with Eli.”

He recoiled from me, like my skin burned him. He turned away from me and this time I knew I heard the growl. It sounded like a wounded animal. It sounded like his soul was dying.

And I did the weakest thing possible. I slipped out of the room and left him alone with his demons. It wasn’t like I knew how to piece him back together. I was broken too.

***

I was even more of a coward when I had a hangover. For most of the day I had locked myself in Eli’s room. His scent was no longer lingering on his sheets and I missed him terribly. Enough was enough. I needed to go see him.

The only problem was that I still had no idea how. I finished scrubbing the last burner on the stove and wrung out the washcloth. The stovetop sparkled back at me. I knew how much V liked everything spotless. It wasn’t my turn to clean, so I was hoping this could help persuade V to give me some type of reward for good inmate behavior. Like a free pass to the outdoors. I rolled my eyes at myself. There was no chance this would actually work. At least I had gotten some of my pent-up frustration out on the burners.

I was tempted to go bother Liza. I had knocked on her door earlier and it sounded like she had thrown a shoe at it. She probably had a worse hangover than me. Combining alcohol with a heavy sedative wasn’t a great idea. I laughed, remembering how the dart hit her foot. She had terrible aim.

I looked up at the camera mounted in the corner. “Truce, Athena?”

She didn’t respond.

“I’ll dust your hard drive if you let me out of here.”

Nothing.

“She’s no longer programmed to respond to your voice.”

I turned to see V standing by the kitchen counter, his hands tucked into his pockets. The casual air about him contrasted so powerfully from how I had last seen him. Now it looked like he wanted to laugh, when hours ago, I was pretty sure he was about to cry.

His hoodie wasn’t zipped up as high as usual, and I got a glimpse of his tan neck. Which was odd because it was the middle of winter. And he never took off the damn hoodie to get any sun on his skin. He must have been naturally tan. My eyes wandered back up to his mask.

The expensive cologne he wore invaded my air supply. Maybe he had just taken a shower. Why the hell am I thinking about him taking a shower? I sat down at the kitchen counter and lifted up one of the doughnuts leftover from last night. “Awesome,” I said and took a bite. I took my time to swallow, trying to figure out what to say to him to gain my freedom back. “So if there’s a fire and I’m the only one in here, I’ll burn to death?”

“Voice activation doesn’t trump safety protocols.”

I wanted to strangle him. “Eli needs me.”

“He needs rest.”

“Why did you go see him the other day when you wouldn’t let me?”

“He’s my friend.”

“That’s not…you know what I meant. I’m just as stealthy as you. You trained me yourself. I’m not going to get caught.”

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