Page 131 of City of Sin (Men of Manhattan 1)

I was never good at controlling my emotions. Just seeing my mom made me feel like I was back in grade school. "Mom," I said, choking through a sob.

"Oh, sweetie." She pulled me into the house. It was warm inside. But I was still cold. Even when she wrapped her arms around me I still shivered.

"I keep making the same mistakes," I said into her shoulder.

My mom laughed. "I'm guessing this is about Mason?" She patted my back and released me from her hug. "Come in and sit. Did you want something to drink?"

That was always my mom's go to thing for house guests. Making sure they weren't parched. I didn't need a cup of hot tea, though. I needed a serving tray full of shots. "I'm okay."

"You don't seem okay," she said as she sat down and gestured for me to sit beside her.

I sat down and pulled off my gloves. "After what happened with Patrick I told myself I needed to take things slow. To take the time to see if a guy was worth my time."

"It doesn't matter how old you get, you still fall just as hard." My mom gave me a sympathetic smile. "It's about the heart not the head."

"But I knew better. Everyone told me he wasn't a good guy. Heck, he even told me he wasn't a good guy."

"And is that what you want? A good guy to settle down with?"

I put my face in my hands. My face felt like ice against my palms.

My mom ran her hand up and down my back. "You can't plan everything out, Bee. That's not how life works. So what is it that you really want?"

"Well I should be able to plan a little better than this." I lifted my face out of my hands. "I don't even know what I want anymore, Mom. I moved to New York because I was in love. And when Patrick and I broke up, I told myself I had to stay to prove to everyone that I had what it took to make it. But I only just realized that it wasn't what I wanted. None of it was what I wanted. I'm just scared of being alone." As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. My mom was alone. My father had walked out on us and left her devastated. Just because I was upset didn't mean I had to be inconsiderate.

"You're never alone, Bee." She put her hand on my forearm. Even though I had basically just said I didn't want to turn out like her, here she was taking care of me.

"I know." I swallowed hard. "I got fired."

"From a job you hated."

"Yeah, but it paid the bills."

"Barely. That job wasn't what you wanted. Now tell me what you really want."

"I don't know what I want." I stood up. "Why do you keep asking me that? I don't know, Mom. I don't know."

"You do know. You know and you're scared to say it because you're sick of being hurt. That's not living, Bee. You don't have to admit it to me, but you know what you want. At least tell yourself. What do you want?"

"Him!" I closed my eyes, trying to prevent my tears from spilling over. "I just want him."

"I know how much it terrifies you to say that you want someone instead of some random goal. Because you may end up getting hurt. You might end up alone like me."

"Mom." I sat down next to her. "That's not..."

"No, it's fine. What I never told you growing up was that I never regretted any of my decisions. Your father was my great love. No, it didn't last. But I wouldn't change a second of what we had. And he gave me you, the best possible gift anyone could ask for."

I wanted to cry all over again.

"Don't you ever run away from something great just because you're scared. That's not the girl I raised."

It didn't matter that I had wound up in New York because of my ex or that I stayed there out of spite. I still found what I wanted. "I want to get a real advertising job. I don't want to have to live pay check to pay check anymore. I want to be with Mason."

"There you go. You already knew all of that. So what are you doing here in the middle of the night waking up your mother?"

I laughed. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, sweetie. But I'd rather you be across the world and happy than right beside me and sad."

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