Page 50 of Sins (The Sins Trilogy 1)
“Not bad. But now I’m starving.”
We order pepperoni pizza and a pitcher of pink lemonade. Ivy doesn’t look upset like I half expected. Instead, she’s bubbling with barely suppressed excitement and anticipation. Did I somehow imagine the call with Mother?
“What?” Ivy asks. “Is there something on my face?”
“No.” I take a moment to think about how I’m going to broach the topic. “Ivy—”
Our order arrives, interrupting me.
I place a slice of pizza on Ivy’s plate before taking one for myself. Then wait until we’ve both had a few bites. Maybe some food in our bellies will make what I have to say go over easier. It’s harder to be angry on a full stom—
“Guess what?” Ivy says suddenly.
“What?”
She pulls up a picture on her phone and slides it over to me. “My new tattoo.” She brings her left arm out from under the table and shows me the bandaged wrist. “What do you think?”
A single tiger lily, and T and I entwined within. It’s small, delicate and beautiful, just like Ivy. Normally I would be pleasantly surprised she got such a pretty tattoo for herself. But the T creates an apprehension that settles over me like a dark, heavy cloud. At the same time, I’m overcome with emotion at the gesture. “You shouldn’t have.” My voice is unusually thick and taut.
“Why not? It’s perfect. Exactly what I want.” She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “I know you don’t like it when I try to tell you how I feel. But it’s not fair for me to have to hold it in, while you’re always saying you love me. So I got this to show you that I love you. Every time you see it, you’ll know you’re in my heart.”
Oh no, Ivy. No, no, no.She doesn’t understand.
I can bear her looking at me like I’m the most amazing thing in the world. What I can’t bear is her telling me she loves me. I’m a fraud. She doesn’t know how terrible, how stained I am in my heart. In my soul.
“Tattoos are permanent,” I say finally.
“Pretty much.”
I exhale roughly, running fingers through my hair with more force than necessary. I should tell her the truth, but I can’t. If she knows the truth, she’ll never hold me in her arms. Or light my world with her presence. I can’t go back to the darkness again. “What if you regret it?”
Her eyebrows pinch together, and she looks at me like I’m crazy. “Why would I do that?”
“It hurts to remove a tattoo.”
“I don’t plan on removing it. When I give my heart to someone, it’s forever.”
Her words flow over me like warm honey, even though she’s saying them because she doesn’t know everything about me. Fear that she will learn and turn away, and guilt that I’m deceiving her by withholding the full truth tear at me. I debate with my better self…and lose. “Things don’t always work out.”
“Wait. Are you worried about us breaking up?” She stares at me incredulously, a hint of hurt and vulnerability bleeding through those expressive eyes. “Who’s the guy telling me he loves me every day? Who’s looking for a job specifically in Philadelphia to be with me?”
“That’s different.”
“Oh, different. How?”
“You deserve to be told you’re loved. You deserve the best.”
She reaches over and puts a hand over my throbbing heart. “Tony, I love you,” she says before I can stop her. “You know that.”
“Please. You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“Why? Because of what your mom thinks about you?”
“Ivy.”
“She told me.”
Shock almost knocks me out. Mother doesn’t speak of Katherine’s death unless under the most extreme emotional turmoil. The only reason she mentioned my sister when we met again because she was afraid I’d mess things up in Tempérane.
