Page 51 of Sins (The Sins Trilogy 1)
And it looks like I might have, without meaning to.
Ivy adds, “She needs to see an army of therapists, not hold you responsible for something that couldn’t have been helped.”
“Don’t talk like that,” I say, my voice tight with panic. “Is that what you told her? No wonder she was furious. You know nothing about Katherine’s death. You weren’t even here when it happened.”
Ivy flinches as though I spat in her face. “Your mother said the same thing. So why don’t you tell me?”
I could. I could tell her everything. But then won’t she see the blood on my hands? Recoil in horror? You make me sick, Mother said. Ivy will feel the same way if she knows the whole story. I’d rather have her angry and frustrated than experience her condemnation and disgust. But it’s like having to choose between a guillotine and a noose. “Because it’s none of your business,” I say painfully.
“None of my business?” She stares at me. “When it’s hanging over us? When it’s tearing at both of us like this?”
Her distress makes me want to share everything. But I steel myself. “It has nothing to do with you. You chose to tie yourself into a knot over it.”
“You’re shutting me out, Tony. People who love each other don’t do that.”
Pain darkens her gaze, pushing me to say it. Just confess it all.
I can’t.It’ll be better to have her upset for a little while than realize I’m a monster beyond redemption.
After several moments of silence, she takes in a shuddering breath, tears welling in her eyes. “You don’t even know what love is if this is how you treat me. I love you, care about you and want you to be happy, but you only feel the same in return as long as you’re comfortable.”
“You’re being dramatic,” I say, hating the pain I’m causing her.
“What I’m being is honest. Because unlike you, I know what I want, I know what I feel, and I’m brave enough to admit it out loud.” Looking away, she starts blinking rapidly. Then finally, she adds, “You’re a fucking coward.”
Yes. Yes, I am.But I can’t be brave like her because I’m too afraid. I have too much to lose—her. “Ivy, look. You’re upset right now, but once you give yourself some time to think it over, you’ll realize I’m ri—”
“Don’t you dare pat me on the head and tell me everything’s going to be fine as long as I do everything you want! I’m not ‘upset,’ Tony. I’m furious. Disappointed. I thought what we had was better than this. I thought you’d be happy when you saw my tattoo. I thought you’d fight even harder for us, rather than complain about how permanent a tattoo is! If our relationship is so fragile that a tattoo is enough to make you shut me out, what the hell is the point?”
“Ivy, I am flattered. Even honored,” I say helplessly, realizing the situation’s completely screwed up. This is not at all what I was trying for. I just wanted her not defend me in front of Mother. I only wish she hadn’t gotten the tattoo because I don’t deserve it.
I seem to have made things worse by saying that, though. Her eyes flash dangerously as she stands up. “I’ll do what you want, Tony. I’ll stay in Tempérane and give myself some time to think. You go see your friend alone. And you’d better hope I don’t follow your advice. Don’t come crawling back if I think it over and decide I’ve made a mistake getting the tattoo. Because it’ll mean I don’t love you after all…and by then it’ll be too late!”
Fear closes around my throat. I jump to my feet. “Ivy, wait.” Don’t abandon me.
“No. You finish the pizza. I’m going home.”
She steps away before I can reach for her and dashes out of the restaurant.
My knees slowly fold, and I land back on the seat. I hurt all over, like I’ve been pummeled by a pro boxer. The restaurant seems to undulate around me. This went so bad, so fast, that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t lose her, but if I try to force things, our argument will only become bitterer and more volatile. We might even break up.
Give her time,I tell myself. Maybe going to see Ryder alone will give us a little breathing room. Once she calms down and starts thinking more clearly, she’ll realize I wasn’t being unreasonable. I’ll even offer to go to the tattoo artist she hired and put an identical tattoo on my own wrist, so she knows I consider our relationship anything but temporary.
