Page 112 of Secrets (The Sins Trilogy 2)
“My brother told me stories about water spirits that wrap around your legs and drag you down into the depths.” She shudders. “I believed it, and kept thinking about it, and then…just couldn’t go into the ocean, even though I could swim better than him. Water spirits could be hiding in the waves.” She wrinkles her nose. “Silly, huh?”
“No.” The little Yuna standing at the edge of the ocean, too scared to go in, is so vulnerable and real. I wish I could hug the girl she was. Since I can’t, I hug her now. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being such a clear voice of reason.” I let go. “I need to think.”
“What about dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.” I can’t eat, not when my nerves are prickling with anticipation and apprehension. I jump to my feet and head to my room.
“But you have to eat somethi—”
“This is more important!” I shut the door behind me.
I pull out my notebook from the drawer next to the bed. Then I arrange the pillows and lean back with a hotel pen. After flipping to a blank page, I draw a long vertical line down the middle. On top of each column, I write, certainty and uncertainty.
Certainty is easy.
I love Tony.
Tony loves me.
I don’t remember my past. (It’s possible I’ll never remember it.)
Uncertainty is harder.
I could’ve done something bad in my past. (Sam said I did, and I think he’s telling the truth, sort of.)
Tony could find out whatever bad things I’ve done and not love me anymore.
I could be a weakness for Tony. He isn’t taking care of himself because of me.
I
My pen stops working, and I make rapid circles, trying to draw out more ink. But it just makes circular grooves in the paper. I throw the pen in the wastebasket near the bed and glare at the page. That third uncertainty really bugs me. I never want to be the reason he isn’t doing well. I always thought if I regained my past, I wouldn’t be broken anymore and would be somebody he could depend on and draw strength from.
My gaze shifts to the last item on the certainty column. I don’t remember my past. I might never remember it.
If I never remember my past, am I always going to be a weakness? Somebody who burdens him?
Frustrated and confused, I tilt my head and look at the ceiling. My mind swirls with a billion thoughts. I try to calm myself, needing to think things through logically, one thing at a time.
Did Tony act like I was a burden to him? He worried about me, sure. He was furious when Sam hurt me. When I just moved food around on my plate, he’d offer something he thought I might like better. He could’ve at any time told me he was tired. Or if he didn’t want to say it out loud, he could’ve just dumped me like he did so many other women before me.
But he didn’t.
I think about my feelings for him. Wouldn’t I have reacted with worry if Tony didn’t have a healthy appetite? Wouldn’t I be furious if somebody tried to hurt him?
Of course. Of course I would, because I love him and want the best for him.
And right now, he’s suffering because of me. Is that what I want? Is that what’s best for him?
Every time I give him a smile… Every time I’m happy… Every time I make myself a little bit more vulnerable to him… He reacts like it’s everything he’s ever dreamed of.
If you aren’t strong and brave enough…
I always reacted like I was somehow less because I didn’t have my memories. Sam certainly told me it was a problem. Threatened to use that to declare me incompetent. But I don’t feel incompetent. My head is clear. I remember what’s happened to me since I woke up from the coma. I have journal entries to prove that I recall them correctly. I’m certainly competent enough to learn how to swim and create complex Excel spreadsheets for the foundation. I can still master new skills and improve.
