Page 155 of Secrets (The Sins Trilogy 2)
Chapter Sixty-One
Anthony
“Yeah…um…same as yesterday,” Harry says on the phone, throwing a surreptitious glance my way.
I don’t have to hear more to know it’s Edgar. My older brother’s been calling every day since Iris—Ivy—left. Eleven days and ten hours or so, now. Since I stopped answering my phone, he started calling Harry, who moved in with me last Monday. It’s funny how my brothers think they’re the ones keeping me from going over the edge, when it’s actually Bobbi.
The blinds are closed, and the living room’s in semi-darkness. I can feel Harry’s gaze. He probably wants me to get up. Not going to. I don’t care. The only reason I don’t spend all my time in bed is that I’m afraid if I do, it won’t smell like Ivy anymore.
If there’s something that requires my attention at work, Wei brings it to me. He’s done that twice so far and canceled all my meetings.
I stare at the Steinway. It glows like the pearl I gave Ivy. But without her, it stays eerily silent, its existence pointless.
Just like my life, which has become meaningless again since she left.
Despair seeps through me. I can’t decide which is worse—believing she was dead or losing her now. Both times, I was given a taste of heaven, only to have it yanked from my grasp.
And I deserve it.
I vaguely sense Ryder walk in. He sits next to me, placing a bag of food on the table. “Eat.”
“No.”
“Come on. I got this from Éternité.”
Éternité has a three-star Michelin rating, and doesn’t do takeout. But since one of his cousins owns it, I guess they made an exception for Ryder. I’ve never been, but heard great things about it—there’s a story about how the owner dedicated the restaurant to the woman he wanted to make his wife. Remembering that makes my whole body tight with pain. Even the name Éternité hurts. Because I’m never going to get my everlasting happy ending with Ivy.
I don’t make a move to touch the food. My stomach’s too tight for anything. Even water makes me nauseated. “You were right,” I say.
“I’m right about everything.” When I don’t make a snarky comeback, he gives me a wary look. “About what?”
“Secrets.”
He exhales roughly. He knows why Ivy left.
“It’s my fault.” Her eyes were so barren and desolate…like the best in her died. And I killed it. I look down at my hands, seeing the clean, slightly tanned skin, the neatly trimmed nails. I don’t understand how they aren’t dripping with blood. There should be another layer of old, crusted blood under the nails, too. I’ve destroyed so much good in the world. Katherine. My family’s happiness. Now Ivy. Everything I touch gets fucked up.
“Nothing’s unfixable, especially relationships,” Ryder says. “You love her; she loves you. You’re hurting now, but you can overcome that. You can fix it.”
“It’s one thing to fight fate to have her, another to fight her.” The shattered, contemptuous look in her eyes—I can’t face it, knowing I’m the cause. “I’m the reason she felt the soul-shredding guilt of being a killer. She believed Sam because I didn’t tell her the truth. I had people she trusted deceive her for me. Why isn’t this a fitting punishment? I tried to keep her with lies, and I lost her because of them.” I shake my head. “It’s like a Greek tragedy or something.”
Ryder gives me a look torn between disgust and empathy. “Shut the fuck up, man. I’m telling you, you can fix this. She’s had over a week to digest things. She’s calmer now. Just talk to her. Make her understand. Or are you going to lose her like this? Just let her go? Have some other asshole snatch her up?”
Bile rises at the idea of another man touching her. Loving her. Being the center of her universe, given the gift of her smile…her love. The emotions that tear through me are dark and murderous, but then guilt pours through like a tsunami, drowning out everything else. “She knows I don’t deserve her. I have nothing to offer except money.” She can do so much better than a soulless, tainted bastard like me. I didn’t tell her—because she didn’t ask and because I didn’t want to remind her how little I truly have—that my parents wouldn’t even have been at our wedding. Or that they despise me.
Ryder’s gaze grows somber and sad. “Damn, man. I wish you could see you’re worth more than whatever’s in your bank account. You’re loyal, responsible and so unselfish, it’s actually painful to see you like this.”
“Then stop coming over,” I tell him tonelessly. “Nothing’s going to change. It’s finished.”
“You thought it was over when she ‘died.’ And I agreed because we all thought she was gone. But it’s not over now, Tony. Nothing’s finished until one of you is dead, and if you don’t fight for her, a girl like that? Some other guy will. And when she opens her heart to that somebody else…then it won’t just be over. It’ll be pure hell—for as long as you live. And you’ll always wonder if you could’ve done something to fix it. Don’t live with that kind of regret.”
