Page 65 of Secrets (The Sins Trilogy 2)
Iris stares at me. Some rapid processing is taking place behind those beautiful gray eyes, but her disbelief is palpable when she reaches the inevitable conclusion. “Are you seriously telling me you haven’t had sex in all that time?”
Her skepticism is a kick in the gut when I’m telling her something I haven’t admitted to anybody else. But that, too, is my fault for not managing things correctly. Part of me driven to self-preservation says I should give her a wink and turn it into a joke, but I slap it back into place. Even if it costs, I want her to know what she means to me. “Yes.”
“But…” She pulls her lips in for a moment. “You’re insatiable. You keep me up most of the night. How do you… I mean, aren’t blue balls fatal after seven years?”
I laugh dryly. “You have to get blue balls first. And when women leave you cold…” I shrug. I can’t explain to Iris how it really was. No matter how celebrated they were for their beauty and bodies, they couldn’t stir me. Their hair color was wrong. They didn’t smell of tiger lilies. Their breath held something other than cherry and caramel. Their fingers were too short and clumsy. Their eyes weren’t gray. My heart remained dark and cold, no matter how they rubbed against me.
“But Audrey Duff is pretty. Didn’t she get naked with you?” Iris asks, her voice brittle with jealousy. “She’s one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood.”
I snort. Did she ever. And God, how annoying that was. Probably humiliating for her, too, when she realized nothing could entice me. “I’ve seen mannequins that are sexier than that woman.”
Iris leans closer. “So you’re saying you felt nothing? For seven long years?”
She’s not going to drop it. Not until I explain it in way she can understand. As annoyed as I am that she isn’t taking what I’m saying at face value, I get it. If I were her, I’d be skeptical too. “I’m only going to say this once, so listen. I’ve had offers. I’ve gone so far as to get naked. Then one look and I realized they weren’t what I wanted after all.” They weren’t you. They could never make me feel what I felt with you. Do you know what it’s like to feel that kind of empty despair over and over again? “And that’s where it’s always ended.”
A wince of sympathy, although I don’t think she realizes she’s empathizing with those women without meaning to. “And they never said anything about it?” she asks. “Called you gay or impotent?”
I almost smile. That would’ve been amusing, mainly because I wouldn’t have given a fuck, which would have upset them even more. The kind of woman I was linked with needs to feel significant and important. They crave the drama and publicity. “Their pride wouldn’t let them. They thought I’d slept with all those other women I was seen with.”
Iris’s eyes are impossibly wide now. “So until the night we played Schubert together, you never…you know…?”
“I’m not saying I never jerked off. I’m saying I hadn’t touched anyone, not the way you’re thinking, in a very long time.” I sigh. It’s difficult to explain, because she doesn’t remember, and I don’t dare tell her everything. But I want her to accept at least one truth. “Iris, you have nothing to be jealous about. My heart, my soul, my body—they’re yours. Totally and completely. Always will be.”
Intense emotions play through her expressive eyes as she regards me. “You shouldn’t do that,” she says finally.
“Do what?”
“Say things that make me forget why I was annoyed with you earlier.”
Is that what she thinks this is about?I wonder, disappointed and unhappy. My baring my soul has nothing to do with Byron or other women. “I wasn’t trying to distract you.”
“I know. That’s why I can’t even get upset with you. You have no ulterior motive. At all.”
Guilt pricks at me. If she only knew… “Of course I have an ulterior motive.” I link my hand with hers, our fingers tangling. I speak frankly as far as I can. “I want to bind you to me, forever. I want you to love me so much that you’re blind to my faults.”
“I’m not blind to your faults.”
My heart stops for a beat. My fingers tense around hers.
She squeezes back. “I love you anyway.”
Just like that, she disarms me, putting me at ease. I loathe breaking our physical connection. So we eat with our hands linked, even though it’s awkward using my left hand.
Watching her chew her pizza, I suppose I could be just one percent gracious about her doing the project with Byron. Only because she loves me, and not him. And because I’m going to cut him where it hurts the most. Besides, I don’t want her to get the impression that I don’t trust her with him. It’s the other way around.
As we’re leaving, she rises on tiptoes, her body molding against mine. My blood heats from a week of celibacy. She whispers something into my ear, her breath hot. I totally miss what she’s saying. “What?”
She tries again. “I got an IUD. The doc said it’s effective immediately.”
I’m instantly harder than I’ve ever been. “Seriously?”
She nods with a breathless laugh. “You did say you have days’ worth of stuff you want to do to me.”
I wrap an arm around her waist and pull her closer. “Can you just call in sick? Tell Elizabeth you can’t work this afternoon.”
“No. I already took a week off.” She nips my earlobe then licks it. It’s totally not helping. “Behave. It’ll be worth the wait.”
A growl vibrates in my chest. Fuck it. I’ll just call Elizabeth and tell her Iris fainted and had to go home.
