Page 86 of Secrets (The Sins Trilogy 2)
All he’s asking is for a chance. He doesn’t need to go to this length. He’s rich, well connected and powerful in Hollywood. My forgiveness of him, or lack thereof, won’t make a particle of difference in his life and continued success.
But perverse side of me whispers that maybe my forgiveness does matter. And if I withhold it, he’s going to suffer. Shouldn’t he suffer for what he did? Feel like shit for the rest of his life?
I finally understand how Mother must’ve felt when I crawled back home begging for absolution. No wonder she told me she didn’t even want me dead. She said it was because she didn’t want me to be with Katherine in the afterlife. But maybe she also didn’t want my torment to end so quickly and easily.
“Why are you doing this, really?” I ask. “Is Paige making you?”
He shakes his head. “I’ve always felt guilty about Lauren. She lied to me and used me, but I should’ve seen something wasn’t right. I was too young and high on success and fame to understand how much you were suffering after you lost Ivy. Which makes me a shitty friend, because I asked you to come out, ostensibly to support you. But until I met Paige, I didn’t really understand how bad it was for you. I mean, I sort of understood in my head. But I didn’t really get it. Then I finally fell in love, and it was like…whoa. If anything ever happened to Paige, I don’t know what I’d do. That’s when I really got it. How monumentally I had screwed up.” He sighs heavily. “I just want a chance to make things right.”
It’s a humble plea. Sincere. It reminds me of my efforts to seek forgiveness from my mother. She didn’t want to give it to me. Nor did she want to tell me what I needed to do to fix things. With the memory comes the crushing despair I felt. It’s as though she’s just lobbed more hurtful words my way.
Although I understand how Mother felt, I also know exactly how I felt all those years. The weight of the guilt I carried. The struggle and fumbling. It’s one of the reasons why I handled things so badly between me and Ivy.
Who am I to deny Ryder a chance to fix things? It would be more than hypocritical.
The real source of my anger with Ryder is from the fact that I believed he stole Lauren from me, knowing how she was just like Ivy. Except I was the only one who thought she was like Ivy. Even Edgar was appalled when he found out what happened, because he couldn’t believe how blind and stupid I’d been.
“I believe you.”
His mouth parts, and he blinks. If I were in better mood, I’d be pointing and laughing at his dumbass expression.
“What? You want me to take it back?”
He snaps his mouth shut. “No! I just… I thought you’d make me jump through, like, hoops of fire first.”
I laugh dryly. If he’d made the same plea just a few months ago, before I met Iris again, I might have. “I miss my old best friend. But don’t expect everything to be like before. There’s going to be some adjustment.”
“Obviously. Thanks anyway. That’s all I’m asking.”
We clink glasses and drink our whiskey.
“You know I really prefer scotch, right?” he asks after finishing his glass.
I almost roll my eyes. It’s just like him to whine about the drink offered. Despite what I said about some adjustment needed, it’s like we’ve never had the last seven years of estrangement. “Shut up and enjoy what I give you. And if you want, you can join us.”
“Really?”
“I’m sure it’ll make the girls’ night.”
“More like their decade.”
I laugh, this time with genuine humor. But before we go, I tell him about the connection between Ivy and Iris, and swear him to secrecy. “You can’t tell Paige, either.”
“Dude. I hate keeping secrets from her,” Ryder says.
“I get that. But somebody out there tried to kill Iris once already, and Sam tried to drown her. How would you feel if Paige was in danger?”
Ryder pales, then nods grimly. “All right.”
We grab Ryder’s brothers, Elliot and Lucas, go join everyone and happily subject ourselves to hours of squealing and star-struck faces for the rest of the evening.
