Page 152 of Mercy (The Sins Trilogy 3)
“Tony…?” Ivy’s voice finally penetrates. Her hands are on my arms.
I recoil, my hands in front of my chest. She can’t touch me. How can she not understand this?
“Tony, it’s okay.” She reaches out again.
If she touches me, she’ll be tainted. Then she’ll be punished too. Like Bolt. Like the help we had. Backhanded like Edgar.
She can’t touch me. She can’t do this. She has to save herself.
“I’m not clean. Don’t touch me. Go away!” I scream.
Instead of backing away, she moves toward me. Panic clenches my lungs. I step backward until I hit a plush bench at the foot of the bed. My knees fold, and I collapse on the seat.
There’s a scent of tiger lilies, but it’s elusive, too weak to cover up the horror of what I’ve done.
“The mint… The smell of mint and blood and gunpowder… God. There’s so much blood. How can there be so much blood? She wasn’t even that big.” My voice cracks. “She said my name. She said it hurt. She was so pretty. She shouldn’t be dead. I killed her. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did. Because it doesn’t matter what I intend—I’m a killer. A murderer. Always so much blood.” I stare at my hands, red and crusted. “I can feel how hot it is. How it moves under my palm, spills between my fingers. It’s always there. Always on my hands.”
“Tony, it wasn’t your fault. You had to do it. He was going to kill you, kill both of us. There was no choice.”
She’s being completely earnest, but there’s always a choice. Something I could’ve done if I had just been a little quicker. Nimbler, more careful. But I failed because there’s something wrong with me on a very basic level. “I should’ve disabled him, then beaten him up and handed him over to the cops. But I always end up killing. I almost killed you too. When I left you here and went to L.A.
“You monster! You killer!” She’s right. She knows because she’s my mother. She knows better than anybody.
Ivy puts her hands on my cheeks. I try to pull away, but she tightens her hold. She’s so hot that the touch is searing. It’s a kind of punishment, too.
“Tony, listen to me. I love you.”
She looks at me, but I can’t meet her gaze. Can’t face the recrimination. The disappointment. The knowledge that I’m not worthy.
God. Suddenly I’m so cold. I can’t stop shaking.
“Come back to me. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“It always comes back. Over and over again. I kill. I hurt people…kill them. It’s a punishment because I failed Katherine. It’s a cycle that will never break. A wheel that will never stop turning.” I close my eyes. “I should let you go. I’m only going to end up hurting you. I’m going to end up hurting the children you want to have. I’m not fit to be near you.”
She tenses, then exhales hard. “Oh my God,” she whispers. “Oh my God. Tony.”
“You should go before I become selfish. Ivy, go. Save yourself.”
“I’m not going anywhere, not when I finally know all the answers. Why you don’t believe you deserve good things in life. Why you’re afraid for my safety. Why you thought I’d abandon you. You still hold yourself responsible for what happened to Katherine even though it was an accident, and you’re punishing yourself over and over again. That’s why you won’t even consider having children, because it’s something you shouldn’t be allowed to have after you took away a child from Margot. You’re going ahead with our wedding, but deep inside you’re afraid you might not deserve that after all. That’s why the whole ceremony is about what I want. Giving me the most amazing and extravagant wedding possible.”
No, no. The old knot grows bigger and harder. She has it all wrong. She doesn’t understand. She never will. She wasn’t there.
“Margot said you never cried at Katherine’s funeral. You didn’t cry when I died either.”
“I’m a monster,” I say, hating myself for ever thinking things could be different this time because I have money and power now. Those things don’t change who you are. They provide a glossy veneer, but the imperfection—the flaw—still lies underneath.
“You are not a monster! You didn’t cry because you didn’t think you deserved to. It was another form of punishment. You didn’t allow yourself to grieve, to let yourself heal. You bottled it up inside, letting it fester and rot until you feel like you don’t deserve anything good in life!” Ivy’s voice is fierce, tight with emotion. She hugs me.
I push her away, but I’m too scared to use my full strength. Can’t hurt her. Or maybe I just want to be held. Just a little bit before she walks away.
She puts her cheek on mine, tenderly and lovingly. “Tony, it wasn’t your fault. You have to forgive yourself for what happened to Katherine.”
She needs to stop saying that. She didn’t see how it happened. How Katherine lay on the forest floor, dying.
Tony… It hurts.
Ivy holds me tighter, her cheek still on mine. “You have to stop living in the past, stop being so hard on yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. For God’s sake, don’t let the past take away our future.”
