Page 127 of One More Kiss

Right in Front of Me

Mandy Bee

Prologue

The darkness has coveredme in its fog once again. I can’t tell which is worse, the physical pain or the emotional pain. Knowing I need a release I reach into my nightstand for my knife. This isn’t something I’m proud of. Self-harm isn’t my go to every time the darkness comes to haunt me. If I could, I would have already called Axe. Too bad he’s at his parents beach house this weekend.

Axe would be so mad at me right now. I can hear his voice screaming at me that cutting myself isn’t the answer. “Tink, you can’t keep doing this shit. Making yourself bleed won’t cure you. It won’t fix what’s going on in your head.”

Even though I know he’s right it still doesn’t stop me from letting the knife slide across my wrist. Usually I cut on my legs, my stomach and sometimes between my toes. The easy to hide places. Tonight I don’t have the energy to do that.

The pain isn’t enough tonight. Usually one cut and I can think clearly again. On bad nights I’ve had to cut more than once, so I move the blade four more times to create a star like pattern on the inside of my wrist. I can feel the blood running down my hand and onto my bed.

My mind is still racing. The cutting isn’t helping. Why isn’t it helping? I need more, I have to have more! I start cutting into my other wrist, using the same star pattern. It takes a couple of minutes, but I finally start feeling the calmness wash over me. The fog is lifting. Once my head clears I’ll clean up my wounds. I close my eyes and start taking slow deep breaths. Even with the fog gone, the darkness is still with me. It never leaves me.

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