Page 80 of These Monstrous Deeds

"You'll clean yourself if you're alone?" he asks, praying to whoever the fuck might be listening that he has it wrong.

"Yes, Master."

Nathan feels his throat close with grief. He blinks back tears. He should insist he stay. He should force the boy to accept his care. But then he remembers how he had tried to comfort Carter earlier, when Todd had him sprawled on the desk, and how Carter had jerked away from him. The boy doesn’t want his comfort. Things are bad enough without Nathan bothering him too.

Feeling numb, Nathan turns his back and says in an emotionless voice he's really fucking proud of, "Fine. I'll be back, then. Get in the shower and clean yourself."

He leaves Carter, going into the bedroom so he can undress and get his shit together.

Needing to feel like himself again, needing to feelhuman, Nathan takes a risk by putting on his faded Nike shirt with his favorite sweatpants. When he returns to the bathroom to check on the boy, he finds him curled up on his side, cheek resting on the floor of the shower, eyes squeezed shut so tightly they must ache.

“Are you clean?” Nathan asks over the sound of the water.

Carter blinks his eyes a few times before forcing himself to sit up. “Yes, Master.”

Nathan stands there just staring at him as water falls down his body. He can see that the body wash and shampoo have moved, so he knows the boy at least properly washed himself before deflating to the ground. There's also his toothbrush, toothpaste, and a very depleted bottle of mouthwash on one of the shelves now too. Nathan supposes that might be the best he can ask for in this scenario.

Grabbing a towel, Nathan motions for Carter to get out. He lifts the towel as if to wrap it around the boy’s shoulders, but Carter very obviously pretends to misunderstand, taking the towel from Nathan to wipe himself off. His eyes remain on the floor as he methodically dries his body, not even lifting when he offers the towel back to Nathan.

Not knowing what else to do, Nathan puts the towel in the hamper and follows Carter to bed. If it bothers Carter that Nathan is suddenly wearing sleep clothes when he never has before, the boy doesn’t indicate it.

Pausing, Nathan finds himself wondering if maybe clothing could help Carter feel better right now too. He needs a reminder of his humanity just like Nathan does.

Peeling his shirt off, Nathan climbs onto the bed where Carter is now sitting and offers it to him. Carter just stares at the ball of fabric.

"Sleep in this tonight. You've earned it."

Carter licks his bottom lip before tentatively taking the shirt. He slides it on with shaking hands, his small body drowning in it as it flows down to his thighs and falls off his left shoulder. The angry bite mark there taunts Nathan. He quickly looks away.

“Here,” Nathan says softly, grabbing the small moose that had somehow made its way on his side of the bed and handing it to Carter. He gives the boy a smile. Carter takes the stuffed animal, curling it tight to his chest, but he doesn’t smile in return. He doesn’t even make eye contact with Nathan.

"You also earned your reward," Nathan adds as he dims the lights and gets beneath the blankets.

Carter slowly lowers himself until he's lying down, his body so close to the edge of the bed Nathan’s afraid he'll fall off. "No thank you, Master," he whispers.

Everything in Nathan seems to screech to a halt. "Excuse me?"

"I - I'd rather not, Master. If it's okay."

“You don’t want a day off tomorrow?”

The boy pauses. Then, sheepishly, he asks, "Will you be there, Master?"

"You don't want me to be." It's not a question, but a statement. Arealization. Carter doesn't bother confirming it.

Nathan had used tomorrow as a way to survive what happened in his office. Hell, to survive all of tonight. He had thought of all the ways he was going to pamper Carter. They were going to be lazy in bed and watch movies. He was going to bring him books. He'd give Carter a massage. He'd make Carter laugh. He'd let Carter talk like a real person.

He had really thought Carter would want him there. Nathan is supposed to be the good guy. Or, at least, the best of the bad guys. But Carter is saying he'd rather spend another day miserable as asex slavethan be stuck in the bedroom all day,freebut with Nathan.

Unable to grasp the enormity of that, Nathan just says, "We can speak about it in the morning. Get some rest, sweetheart."

Carter doesn't respond.

Feeling very close to heartbroken, Nathan leaves the bed again, heading into the bathroom. He locks the door and runs the water to keep Carter from eavesdropping. Then he dials.

3 rings. “Name?”

“Eagle 2.”

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