Page 8 of A Dangerous Game

“Carter-”

“I can still hear it all. I can still feel it all. The cheering at the auction. Todd Henley calling me a slut for no fucking reason and you joking with him that I’m going to have to beg for food.”

“But I didn’t actually make you-”

“The fear I felt the first time you let someone else lay their hand on me. The shame when you called me a pet. The way it felt to be - to be raped in front of your men in that room. For you to force me to rape myself by riding you.”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“I’ll never stop being able to see Casey getting raped. I’ll never stop remembering the fear I felt as I saw that he was probably getting raped to death. The hopelessness I felt. The guilt and fucking shame.”

“Oh, sweetheart-”

“Don’t!” Carter yells. He looks into Nathan/Travis/sir/asshole’s eyes before immediately looking away. It’s too hard to look at him directly. It makes Carter feel…things. Things he doesn’t want to feel. “Don’t call me that. I amnotyour sweetheart.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

Carter is going to start crying soon, if his tight throat and burning eyes is any indication. He needs to wrap this up. “The point is, this place has fucked me up, and part of me doesn’t want to have to spend the rest of my fucking life trying to recover from it.”

There’s a long pause. Then, “Ifucked you up.”

Carter shrugs as he stares at the wall over Nathan’s shoulder. “You certainly didn’t help.”

“I tried. I swear, Carter, I fucking tried.”

“I know.” Carter wraps his arms around himself. They don’t feel nearly as good as Nathan/Travis/sir/asshole’s would feel. He hates that. It makes him ache. “Are you relieved now? You don’t have to pretend to love me anymore…”

“Oh, Carter. I never pretended. Your brother wanted me to, it was the plan, but obviously I had to work up to it so it was believable, and by that time I already loved you for real. I never once said it without meaning it, Carter. Trust me. I fucking tried. I really tried not to love you. But then Travis fell for you, and Nathan wasn’t far behind, and then I was fucked.”

Unable to help himself, Carter chuckles. “So, you have Travis and Nathan split in your head too?”

“They’ve always been. I’ve been hoping that it’d protect Travis that way. Protect my humanity.”

“Did it work?”

Nathan/Travis/sir/asshole’s lips twitch. “Until you.”

That gets Carter to look the man in the eyes again. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. The first time I laid hands on you, I became the monster I was pretending to be. Travis was lost that night. I think I’m just now coming to accept that.”

Carter’s heart does something awful and complicated. A little of his anger fades. “Nathan…”

“It’s okay. Really. Don’t look at me like that, Carter. I’m not someone to pity in this. I’m the monster.” Nathan laughs humorlessly, his frustration evident. “But I do love you. I have loved you this whole time. And it was and still is real. Very real. Please don’t ever doubt that.”

Carter takes a shaky breath, his gaze falling to the floor. “You did a lot of things to me when you didn’t have to…”

“What do you mean?”

“Like when we were alone, when there was no one for you to be pretending in front of, you still fucked me and – and hurt me…”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Why?” Carter forces himself to look Nathan in the eye. “Why, when no one was around? Why punish me for leaving the bed when no one was there to see the broken rule? Why fuck me over your desk? And some of the shit you came up with for when we were in front of people… Or - or letting Henley do what he did. How far you let him go... I just - God, so fucking much of it… so much of it could have just…not happened.”

Nathan sniffs as he presses the heel of his hand against one eye. He laughs again before taking a shaky breath, his chest quaking. His voice trembles when he speaks. “I - uh - I was - you were getting confused, me being hot and cold, being nicer in the bedroom or my office. It was making things worse for you. Or - fuck, I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t. Itfeltlike it was. Changing rules and changing my personality and all that shit… I just - I just couldn’t fucking figure out what to do about any of it. I thought maybe consistency would be better, but that ended up making me even more inconsistent because once I fucking fell for you, I was a loose canon. Terrified of hurting you. Terrified of exposing myself so they would get their hands on you instead. I meant what I said the night I - the night I…boughtyou. If you ended up in their hands, you'd be worse off. They would not only make your life a living fucking hell compared to what it’s been, but also keep Maison from being able to get you back. You had to behave. You had to respect me. Otherwise, they would have figured things out. Otherwise, you would have been in danger.It had to be real.It still has to be real, somehow."

Nathan laughs again. It’s louder, and even less humorous. Then he shakes his head. “Fuck, I don’t know, Carter. There were still times I didn’t have to do what I did, though. You’re right. Especially lately. I fell in love with you, and I just couldn’t stay away. I fucked you when I didn’t need to because you’re - I mean, fucking look at you. You’rebeautifulandamazingandI love you.I wanted to fucking kiss the shit out of you every chance I got. I wanted to give you something good in this place. I wanted to make you feel better whenever I got the chance. But then I got afraid that you’d act up, so I came down harder because I fucking - I was just fucking terrified you’d do something in front of everyone and I’d have to punish you, but that fucking happened anyway even after I managed to put you in a slave mindset, and I don't even - I mean, I tried to - I’m not making any sense.Fuck. I don’t know, Carter. Okay? I don’t know. This wasn’t the mission I signed up for. This wasn’t in the job description. Did I know I’d probably have to touch a victim here or there during the operation? Yeah. Sure. Of course. But I never planned on having my own slave, and I certainly never planned on having my own slave who was the little brother of my best fucking friend. I had never even raped someone until you. Not fully. I had kept it to the rare blowjob, and the occasional cockwarming. Usually tried to act too busy to even be bothered. I wasn’t trained for this. For you. You were not supposed to happen, Carter. It’s not fair.” The last word goes high pitched, hinging on a nearly hysterical cry. Then he growls. “Fuck. I - how can I even be bitching about it not being fair right now? It’s not fair for you! God, I’m so fucking selfish.”

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