Page 61 of Mafia Princess

“I’ll know,” I say quietly. I’ll know, and I’ll never sleep easy knowing he’s out there, that he could show up and put another hit on me so I can’t tell them he’s still out there. I think of Eliza telling me I can do it. Of my sister, at the bottom of the ocean, sleeping in peace with her boyfriend, someone she loved enough to die for. Little Al can rest easy, too, but he’s never loved anyone enough to die for them. He mentioned his wife and kid now, but he wasn’t thinking about them when he risked everything. Uncle Al has shown me more kindness in our few encounters than this shithead ever did. He’s the one who only cares about himself.

I care about someone else. Someone I need to get home to because she’ll be waiting and worrying, wondering if tonight will be the night I don’t come home. She’s been through so much, lost her brother and her mother and her childhood. She doesn’t need to lose her husband, too. I promised her I’d never leave. I intend to keep that promise.

I’d die for her if that’s what she needed. But she doesn’t. She needs me to kill for her.

I always knew this moment was coming. I knew before I even took the oath of omerta that I’d be here one day. That Uncle Al would ask me to kill, and I’d have to do it or take the target’s place. If I can’t kill a traitor, then I am a traitor. If I don’t have it in me to kill a man, then I’m a dead man myself. Little Al made his choice. I need to make mine. To prove I’m worthy of the Life, of Uncle Al’s trust, of the beautiful, broken wife they gave me.

For her.

I pull the trigger. Little Al drops to his knees, his eyes wide, as if he can’t believe I had the balls to shoot him. He clutches his chest, his bewildered gaze finding mine. The moon behind me reflects in his eyes, and I’m grateful for what it hides.

“You—You shot me,” he says in disbelief.

“You knew what you were doing,” I say, my voice hard, as empty as my chest. “You chose to turn your back on family. You know this is the way it has to be.”

I pull the trigger again, and he falls forward on his hands before crumpling to the dirty pavement. I’m relieved I don’t have to see his eyes. But I bend and swipe a hand over his face to close them, anyway. It’s the least I can do. I didn’t hate Little Al. I’d rather it ended some other way. But this is how it is.

I turn and head back up the bank, leaving his body. When I reach the pillar he hid behind, just ten feet back, a figure steps out of the shadows. I nearly shoot before I register the hulking giant form of Il Diavolo.

“I stand corrected,” he says. “Guess you had it in you after all.”

“You were there the whole time?” I ask. “Thanks for the fucking backup.”

“After your little hissy fit about the Luciani girl, I didn’t think you’d be able to pull this one off,” he says. “You’re soft, kid. In this business, there’s no room for that. Eat or be eaten.”

“Spare the lecture,” I say. “I did my job. What was yours? Stand there and watch him kill me if that’s the way the chips fell?”

“My job was to make sureyougot the job done,” he says. “And to kill him if you didn’t have the balls. This was a test, in case you hadn’t figured it out. Big Al wants to know what you’re made of. Probably wanted to know where your loyalties lay, too. After shit like this goes down, family killing family, you have to take a good hard look at everyone in your inner circle.”

I’m not surprised. I knew he’d want to make sure I hadn’t been tainted by Little Al’s treachery. Again, that’s just the way it is. I can’t be offended. I get it.

All the way home, I repeat Il Diavolo’s words in my head.

He said everyone in Uncle Al’s inner circle. He included me in that.

When I started this job, I wanted to be the kind of man Al Valenti approves of, hard enough to survive the Life. As twisted as it is, killing his grandson is the way I proved that I am. Not just to him, but to myself. I don’t know if I’ve become a better man, but I know I’m a stronger one. I know I’m going to do well, despite my initial reservations. In the past six months, I’ve gone from a boy who thought he was a man to the real thing. Eliza turned me from a cocky high school kid who thought he was all that because girls wanted to fuck him, to a real lover. And the mafia has turned me from a scared boy wondering if he could pull the trigger to a man who’s taken lives in self-defense, for revenge, and as payment.

The last night I stayed at Ma’s, I told myself I was closing the door to my old life and stepping into a new one. I didn’t know then how true that was. Now I do. I couldn’t walk back into my old life now if I tried. I wouldn’t fit. I’ve become what I was always meant to be, ever since my father made a business deal with the mob—a made guy. And not only a made guy, but one worthy of Al’s inner circle. One who would do what a man has to do in this business.

What I said to Little Al is true, though. I don’t want to be an heir to this empire. But I want to be indispensable, and maybe I just proved that I am. I may not ever be a don, but maybe one day, I can be the consigliere to one. I may have come to them without experience, but I’ve proven myself to them, proven my loyalty, my protectiveness, my strength. After all, this is my family now, and no one fucks with my family.

This is where I belong. And what I did tonight shows what part I play in that family.

And best of all, there’s the little family of two that I’ve made with Eliza at home. That’s my reason now, the only one I need. I’ll always love my brothers, I’ll always miss my sister, and protect the Valenti name, but Eliza is what I live for. I can finally move on from the mistakes of my past and face a future more promising than I ever imagined. I have the kind of life I never dared to hope for. I have a wife I love and a job that recognizes my value, and a family that’s proud of me. And I’m alive for one more day. That’s all I can ask for.

Once, I thought a family was a liability, but now I see it for everything it offers, in all its complexity. Yes, it’s a liability, and it makes me vulnerable. It also gives me the strength to do what I need to do while keeping me grounded, making sure I don’t lose who I am despite the monstrous acts the job sometimes requires. When I started working for the Valentis, I thought it was easier to feel nothing than to feel pain, so that’s what I would do. It’s true, in a way. It is easier. But sometimes it’s worth it to feel the pain just to feel everything else that comes with it. After all, a man with no feeling is nothing but a monster in a suit.

Once, my sister said I’d see love differently if I felt it. Now I know she was right. If I’ve learned anything from loving Eliza, it’s that love is hard and sometimes painful, but it makes everything in the world worth it. It makes even one day with her worth risking it all. I hope Crystal got to feel that before she died. I hope it was worth it to her.

I know it is to me. Eliza helped me see that. She helped let go, give up control, and live in the moment, knowing that the next one is not guaranteed. This is the only moment we’re given, the only moment to tell my wife I love her, toshowher I do. Instead of holding back and being selfish, I’ll love her with every bit of my heart, for every moment we’re given, and be grateful that she loves me back. That’s something worth dying for.

twenty-two

Eliza

I sit in the back of the car, clutching my purse in my lap and staring out at the city bathed in cool November sun. Every few minutes, I thumb open the bag’s closure and peek inside at the Glock nestled there, and my heart does a funny little flip. I glance up at the driver and my bodyguard, busy discussing the Yankees, before checking my phone to make sure King hasn’t checked in. He’ll get worried if I don’t answer within a reasonable timeframe, and that’s the last thing I need today.

We turn into a sketchy neighborhood, and I sink a little lower in my seat, acutely aware of how much our opulent town car stands out in this part of Manhattan. I’m glad I brought the bodyguard along and not just the driver. King doesn’t use the driver, since he’s the rare New Yorker who actually owns a car, but I’m glad he kept him on payroll for when I need to take… Let’s just call it an unauthorized outing.

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