Page 65 of Mafia Princess

I didn’t come here for that, didn’t even expect it. But she could have offered. She could have taken responsibility, told me she’d made a horrible mistake, told me it haunted her every day of her life. She could have cried and begged forgiveness. Or even just acknowledged what she did and that it was wrong, that it hurt me.

I may never have forgiven her, but she could have asked. Maybe that’s why I came. Just to hear her excuse, to see what she’d say, as if anything she’d say could justify what she did. Still. Maybe I wanted that, the impossible. I wanted her to have a reason good enough to make me understand how you could do such a thing to a child who trusted you, a child you should have protected.

I push back from the table, the chair nearly dumping me on the floor with the uneven legs before I catch myself and stand. “I think I’ve heard all I need to hear.”

“That’s it?” she asks. “I thought you came to kill me.”

I sling my bag over my shoulder and face her squarely. She doesn’t stand, just looks up at me through the smoke, her strung-out face framed by the linoleum-striped floor and the gaping hole where a cabinet door is missing behind her. She doesn’t sound like she’d mind if I killed her.

“I think you’re doing a bang-up job of that on your own,” I say. “Guess karma’s a bitch.”

“If karma were real, we’d all be living like this,” she says, gesturing around with the stub of her cigarette. “You think you’ll be different, but I was there once, too. Just married to some big shot, I bet. I was just like you. Thought I’d have it all. Now look at me.”

“You left,” I say. “That was your choice.”

“Stay in the Life, do what they do, and you’ll become a monster, too,” she says. “You just watch.”

“No,” I say firmly. “I’m nothing like you.”

“And watch those babies around that big shot husband,” she says, tapping her cigarette. “Your father killed his son. Would have killed you, too, if he found out.”

I just stare at her. “If he found out what? That you were abusing me? No, Mom. He wouldn’t have killed me. He would have killed you.”

Mom crushes out her second cigarette without taking her eyes from mine.

“You know, despite everything, I admired that you left,” I say. “I really believed you when you said you were protecting me. I admired you for having the guts to leave such a powerful man. For going off on your own, to find your way, do your thing, and take your daughter out of harm’s way, even if that harm was you. You told me you left to be free, and I really believed it. All these years, I believed it. But you never really had a choice, did you? You weren’t leaving to protect me. You were leaving to protect yourself.”

I don’t wait for her answer. I got all the answers I wanted and more today.

twenty-three

King

I watch Eliza through dinner. She’s been quiet all through the meal, unlike her usual chatty self.

“Everything okay?” I ask, selecting a piece of sushi from the platter Eliza ordered from a delivery service.

“I was thinking about something you said a while back,” she says. “About therapy.”

“What about it?”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

“Do you want me to help you find someone?” I ask, careful not to sound too enthusiastic in case it makes her feel more broken than she already does.

“Maybe I could try the one you said your mom sees,” she says. “If that doesn’t work, I can find someone else.”

I nod. “I’ll call and ask if she’s taking new clients.”

She takes a piece of sushi and dips it in soy sauce. “Thank you.”

We eat for a few minutes in silence. “What changed your mind?” I ask after a bit.

“I want to be better for you,” she says. “I want to be everything you’ve ever wanted in a wife.”

“You are,” I say, tightness twisting in my chest. “You’re that and more.”

She smiles. “I want to be better for me, too. I want to be the person I was supposed to be, that I could have been, if none of that had happened. I think I just need to get clear and learn to move on, you know? From my brother’s death, my mom, and my issues. I want to work through it, not hold onto it forever. I want to be a good mom when that day comes.”

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