Page 79 of An Agreement with the Soldier (Necessary Arrangements 2)

“That’s because you are still running.” Christopher looked sheepish and apologetic. “I don’t mean to presume to give you advice…”

“You’ve already started; you may as well speak freely till the end.”

Christopher scratched his jaw and looked away. “I was worse than you when I came back. I drank. Heavily.”

John gave a humorless laugh. “Haven’t we all?”

“No, you don’t understand. I would wake up and start drinking. And I kept drinking until I passed out, just so I couldn’t hear the screaming in my head. I couldn’t even look at my own daughter. I ignored my wife, my mother. It took me a long time to get where I am, and I am still not as I was before the war.”

“I don’t think there’sas beforefor men like us, Chris,” John interjected during a pause.

“Maybe not,” Chris agreed. “But there isnormal. Whatever that normal is, and like it or not, you are not going to get there alone. I got this far only with the help of my family.”

“You mean, I have to share the horrors of war with my innocent little wife? Is that what you did? Because I am not inflicting that ugliness on her, just to be rid of it myself.”

“You won’t be rid of it. But sharing the burden does make it easier.” Chris paused and kicked at some pebbles with his foot. “No, I haven’t told Linda about the horrors of war. The real horrors, I mean, the ones that keep me up at night. But she is not the only person I have in my life. Now, I have these men. They know what I went through. Believe it or not, most of them are going through exactly the same thing as us. But unlike you and me, they don’t have loving wives willing to help them through it.”

A loving wife.John’s heart leaped at the thought. The guilt from the way he treated Sam earlier, suddenly made itself known, eclipsing the heady feeling. He tried to shift his attention back to Christopher.

“Maybe this festival will help them find their families, too. But these men are the ones we can share our burdens with.” Christopher paused again and looked at John. John could feel his gaze on him, although he stood leaning against the tree, with his head lowered, his eyes closed. At the pause, John looked up at him. Christopher looked like he was going to divulge some secret, or something he didn’t want to say.

“I started talking with Malcolm one night,” he finally said. “He had trouble sleeping in his cottage when he moved in. I had trouble sleeping in general. I would go out after Linda fell asleep, walk around the grounds.”

John understood that all too well. He’d walked his estate grounds too many times at night, either because sleep evaded him, or because he was awakened by some especially nasty nightmare and he didn’t want to go back to bed.

“I saw him outside, lying on his blanket, looking up at the stars.” Christ huffed something between bitter laughter and disbelief. “Just like we used to do… sans the blanket.”

He smiled then, as if remembering good old days. “We started talking. You can’t imagine how good it was to talk through all the issues with someone who understands, who’s been there. How liberating to finally talk about the war without the censure, without people making you into a hero, or pitying you. It feels… good. Maybe you ought to try it.”

They stood there in the woods, looking at the ground, listening to sounds of water splashing, and the workers’ banter at the stream. John’s mind went blank. He didn’t know how to digest what Christopher had just said. He probably needed time to himself for that.

He pushed away from the tree and clapped Chris good-naturedly on the shoulder. “Let’s clean up before the sun goes down.”

Chris nodded and they both set off in the direction of the stream.

* * *

Sam sat at her vanity in her nightgown, brushing her hair, when she heard movement in her husband’s room. She had planned a romantic late-night supper for him tonight, but after his cold reception at luncheon, she’d decided she wouldn’t go through with it and dressed for bed. It was a little before midnight when she heard him come back, a lot later than he usually arrived. He was probably still angry about the festival, which she thought was absolute rot.

Sam was about to blow out the candles and crawl into bed when the adjoining room door opened, and John entered the room. He was wearing his dressing gown, with nothing underneath. The enticing V at his throat and chest revealed his naked, suntanned, and well-muscled body. Her mouth watered. His hair was still wet, probably from bathing in the stream, something he often did, rather than cleaning himself in the bath.

Sam swallowed and put her brush on her vanity table. “I was about to go to bed.”

“I was looking for you in the library. Did you skip the reading today?” he asked as if nothing was wrong.

“No, I read after supper, but I got tired quickly,” she said without looking up at him. She heard his soft tread on the carpet, coming closer to her.

“It’s all right, you’ll have to read over the chapters I missed tomorrow.”

She felt his hand playing lightly in her hair. He was so close she could smell him. Her favorite scent, soap and spice. So familiar, so lovely. She wanted to lean into his hand and brush her head against his palm like a cat. But she kept herself still.

“I am sorry about today,” he finally said quietly. “I acted like a jackass. I am a jackass.” She thought she heard a smile in his voice, so she looked up at him, a puzzled frown marring the skin between her brows.

“There you are,” he said gently. “I’ve missed you. Will you forgive your brute of a husband?”

She stood up and walked toward the bed. “I don’t know yet. Are we having a festival?”

“Whatever you want, Angel.”

“And you’ll be there?”

He let out a puff of laughter. “As if I’d leave you alone with an estate full of men.” He smiled at her then, that crooked smile of his he used so rarely. The one she loved more than anything in the world, and she couldn’t stay mad at him anymore.

“Come, Angel, come to bed with me. I need you.”

She opened her arms, and he took full advantage of her generosity. He made love to her gently at first, and then fiercely, pumping into her with such ardor, as if trying to give all of his love to her in a single night. Sam fell asleep in the warm embrace of her husband for the first time since their marriage. Only to awaken alone again.

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