Page 120 of Knot for Me
After Emily.
“Oh,” I say with a nod. “I understand that.”
“Reagan, she’s not. I mean, we never. What I mean to say is, you’re so different. She was a nice woman, but you’re amazing.” His eyes jump between mine, worry furrowing his brow.
“I don’t want to compete with a dead woman,” I admit. “It is what it is, and we both know that me being your omega is out of the question.”
He drops his gaze. “Yeah.”
Aw shit. I’ve majorly fucked up. I knew going through my heat with them would blur the lines, but Cory has hope for us. Hope I can’t let him keep. I don’t want to hurt him but I’m already doing that.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head and stands, tucking his book under his arms.
“Are you leaving?” My question only sounds a little whiny. God, I’m even confusing myself. What are emotions? At all? Seriously, life would be easier if I were a robot.
“You want me to stay?” He makes a face. “The hardest part of all of this is that I know you want this.” He gestures between me and him. “But you’re too damn stubborn to let yourself be happy.”
“That’s not fair,” I begin even though it’s absolutely, one-hundred percent fair. I’m being a bitch.
“I’m not mad, Reagan. I’m devastated. We all want you. You have to know by now we’d never do anything to hurt you. Why is it so hard for you to trust us? To let us be your safe haven?”
“I told you I didn’t want that,” I retort, getting a little mad. Not at him, at myself. I knew better and I still fucking let them in anyway.
“Yeah, I know,” he says softly. “I guess it was the romantic in me hoping you’d see we could be what you needed.” He glances away, face reddening with his confession. “I hope you find a way to stop torturing yourself. It’s not healthy. You can’t live your life in fear.”
“And what about you guys?” I drop my book on the couch and stand up. “You guys refused to take an omega after Emily. I’m not the only one living in fear, Cory.”
He grinds his jaw and nods. “Yeah, we were living in fear. Until you.”
That remark sucker punches me in the gut and steals my breath, taking all of my fight with it. I knew they’d softened over the last few weeks. I watched them warm to me and let me in. They conquered their fear, so why can’t I?
When I take too long to respond, he sighs and shakes his head. “I didn’t come here to fight. I’m going to go, but it’s because I don’t want to argue with you, not because I don’t care about you.”
And then he leaves.
Tears stream down my cheeks and my chest grows tight, an ache in my throat growing from holding back a sob. It hurts to breathe. I take shallow breaths, sucking in sips of air and trying to hold back the cry I want to let out. I want to scream at the sky. I want to scream at my brothers for making me so fucked up. I want to race after Cory and beg for forgiveness. Most of all, I want to stop this pain. It’s agonizing. An ugly, hurtful heat fills me. A self-inflicted wound I have no choice but to endure.
I hope one day you find a way to stop torturing yourself.
He has no idea how much I wish I could do that too.
ChapterThirty-Two
REAGAN
My door opens at midnight and I sit, eyeing Marco from my bed. He stands in the doorway, the lamp on the table in the hallway barely lighting his features. I chew on my cheek and wait for him to say something. He doesn’t though. He simply walks in, shuts the door, and climbs onto the other side of the bed. I’m glad he doesn’t say anything. Words would ruin everything. Here in the dark, without speaking, we can pretend for a little longer. I don’t know why I let him stay, maybe because I’m weak, or maybe because Cory’s words hit me hard.
Can I change?
Can I give in to them without compromising who I thought I was?
We lie on our backs, our breathing falling in sync, and merely exist together. After a few moments, he laces his fingers with mine and squeezes, soft enough to let me know he’s here but he would go if I asked.
I don’t.
I keep this night for myself and stay up well past when he falls asleep, contemplating everything I’ve told myself for years and whether or not I can let go of my promises to myself.
