Page 34 of Never Going to Care

Because when I do, I remember the way it pooled at my feet after he took it off me. I’ll also remember the way it felt to pull it on again to make my great escape.

Not my finest hour.

I haven’t heard from Hale, and I think that may be the hardest part. My stomach has been in knots whenever I think about him. Is he pissed at me? Is he glad I ran away?

I’m all mixed up and I’m not sure what way is up or down anymore.

When my phone rings, I snatch it up and answer it quickly, not bothering to look at the caller ID. My voice is breathy and hopeful, “Hello?”

“It’s not Hale,” there’s a teasing lilt to Stella’s voice.

A breath wooshes from me with her words. Was I hoping it was Hale? Was I desperate for it? Could she hear it in my voice?

“I didn’t think it was.” Even I can hear the lie. I force brightness into my tone, “What’s up? How are you doing?”

“I’m great,” she has the same forced cheer in her voice I hear in my own and my heart drops. “I just wanted to check on you. You’ve been,” she pauses as if she’s searching for the right word, “evasive.”

“I have not,” I gasp in mock outrage. Both of us know I’m full of it. “I’ve just been busy with work. We’re doing a round of hiring and the new interns are going through their first performance reviews. Lots of paperwork and emails and stuff.”

She makes a humming sound as if she doesn’t believe me. She shouldn’t. I mean, everything I’ve said is true, but it’s not like it’s new work. I’ve been here and done it before and it’s not like I’m the head of the entire HR department with that kind of stress and weight on my shoulders. I’m simply a cog in the machine.

“Celeste,” there’s a chastisement and warning in her voice. “You can lie to yourself all you want, but don’t give me that bullshit. We all know you left the wedding with Hale, and you’ve been avoiding talking about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I can hear the defensiveness in my words, but I don’t really care. Maybe that’s the worst part. If I’m putting on an act, I should be doing it better because right now I know I’m being transparent as fuck. “We did leave together. We hooked up. It was a one-time thing.” I clear my throat. “I haven’t heard from him since.”

Her voice gentles, as if she’s dealing with a wounded bird who needs to feel safe, “Have you reached out to him?”

My mouth hangs open for a moment before I snap it shut. “Why would I reach out to him?”

“You’re the one who left him, not the other way around,” she points out.

“It wasn’t like that,” I insist.

“How can you be so sure?”

“I just am.” I sound like a petulant child, but I can’t stop myself now. “We needed to get each other out of our systems. Now we have and it’s done.”

“So why do you sound so sad at the idea of it being only one time?” She lets out a sigh. “I only want you to be happy Celeste. That man looked at you like you were the star, the moon and everything else which can be found in the heavens.”

I swallow hard and I swear I can hear Hale whispering, “Starlight,” even though I know it’s not real. He’s not here with me. My eyes squeeze shut so I can stem the tide of sadness which wants to rear up in me. It won’t help me to feel it now. I can’t go back in time and change a damn thing.

What is done is done and I left that morning without leaving a note. Without acknowledging how my entire world shifted in his arms. Without admitting I left a piece of my heart behind, even if my brain insists it was stupid to do so.

“Celeste,” Stella pushes, “you can’t shut the man out and expect him to come and chase you down. You may have hurt him by not seeing what was right in front of your face and treating him like he was less than he is.”

“I don’t expect him to chase me down,” my tone is full of defeated sadness and pain, so much so that I grimace.

“You don’t?” Stella challenges me, “Coulda fooled me.”

“I don’t expect him to.” I grumble, “It would have been nice if he did though.”

Stella’s laugh rips out of her, the sound so jovial that I can’t help but chuckle along with her. I think it’s the first time I’ve felt anything close to amusement since I snuck out of Hale’s place like I was a CIA operative.

“You know men can be big babies who are afraid of their own shadows,” Stella prompts, amusement still dancing in her voice.

I scoff, “I doubt Hale is afraid of anything.”

“Except you,” she pushes, “because you have the power to destroy him without even realizing it. We all saw the way he looked at you, Celeste. You didn’t see it or didn’t want to. I don’t know, but that’s something you’ll have to figure out.”

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