Page 41 of The Penalty Shot (Totally Pucked 5)

There’s one memory that stands out to me more than any other when I was pregnant with Alex. I was sixteen and terrified out of my mind, and even more so because I was alone.

Completely alone.

My mother came to the hospital when I went into labor, but she opted to sit in the hallway because she didn’t want to see Alex. I was in so much pain that all I did was cry. By the time I made it to the hospital, it was already too late for an epidural, so I had him naturally. I did all of it, without anyone by my side. There was a nurse that I met while in my last trimester. I confided in her that my parents weren’t really supportive, and when I went into labor, she was there.

She held my hand, she wiped my forehead with a wet rag, she gave me ice chips and told me how brave I was, how proud she was, even though she hardly knew me at all. She became the person that I had for support because my own mother was too embarrassed to look at her teenage daughter giving birth.

Alice. I’ll never forget her. No matter where I end up, I’ll never forget the kindness that she showed me. Someone that she barely even knew.

So, I’ve been thinking of maybe becoming a nurse and working with teenage mothers. Maybe I could be that person for someone like Alice was for me.

I just…I don’t know how I would ever be able to do that, not with Alex and his tuition. There are too many other things that need my attention for me to follow a silly dream.

Pulling myself out of my memories, I look over to a curious MJ. “I think I would be a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse specifically. In a perfect world, that is. But I’ll never be able to go back to school, work at the club, and be the kind of mom Alex needs.”

“Why not?” MJ asks. “Why couldn’t you do both? Auden, you’re a great mother. One of the best mothers I’ve ever met. But…you’re stillyou. You’re notjusta mother. You’ve lost that over the years, babe, and that’s why I’m so, so happy that you’ve decided to take a chance on things with Asher. Because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to fall in love and to go back to school. To have hobbies. To be you, Auden. I know being a great mother means so much to you, but you shouldn’t stop being you, just because you’re a mother. Alex wouldn’t want that for you either, if he knew everything you’d sacrificed.”

Her words bring tears to my eyes. Because I’m not used to hearing positive ones when it comes to how I’ve raised Alex, and because it’s true. Ihavelost myself somewhere along the way. I can’t remember the last time I did anything just for myself.

And that’s okay. I don’t regret anything when it comes to my life. I’ve made all of the right choices for my son, even if they weren’t easy. Now, I know that everything I did led us here.

But, I do want to find myself again. To figure out what makes me happy, outside of being a mother, to figure out what future there is for me, and for Alex. I want to be able to take care of myself and do things that make me happy.

And I think that Asher is helping me uncover those things.

It’s as unexpected as my new feelings are, and they scare me. All of this does.

“It’s just hard, MJ. I’m scared I’m going to make one mistake and lose my son. I’ve spent the last eight years walking on egg shells, terrified to screw up. You already know what my parents did to me. They made me choose. I had to either give him up, have an abortion, or I could no longer live in their house.” I swipe away a tear that’s somehow escaped, even though I’ve tried to hold them back. MJ reaches out and rubs my back.

“I left. I came to live with my cousin here in Chicago, and I’ve been here since. Got a job at the club, and spent every moment I had with Alex. But my parents were furious. They would constantly threaten to have him taken from me, calling me an unfit mother, and that I was a slut and a whore for having a baby at sixteen. My father…he’s a senator in Michigan, and he’s extremely conservative. He strongly opposes teenage pregnancy, so when he found out about Alex, I was just another statistic to him. A way to embarrass the Claire name. To this day, they still threaten me that if I do anything to publicly embarrass them that they will ruin me.”

“God, Auden, they’re just fucking awful,” MJ mutters, “I can’t get over it.”

I nod, wiping the rest of the tears away and fanning my face to try not to smear the mascara I have on.

“It is awful, but what’s even worse is that I still let them control me. For whatever screwed-up reason, they have this power over me. Part of me still wants to be their dutiful, perfect daughter that I used to be. I’ve got Mommy and Daddy issues,” I laugh haughtily, “it’s completely messed up, I know. I still get this crippling anxiety when I see that they’re calling. I just wish I was strong enough to block them and move on, but I’m too afraid of what could happen if I do.”

“Fuck them. Fuck them for everything they’ve done to make you feel this way, Auden. You deserve better. You are better than them. I mean look at how great of a mother you are to Alex. Your mom could never.”

I nod, glancing down at the floor, realizing how heavy this conversation has gotten for the work day. “Thank you, MJ. I’m sorry that I brought all of this up. Sometimes I just forget how much of a trigger all of this is for me. I’m working on it.”

She hugs me to her again, her arms lingering tightly around me for a moment. I'm thankful for her, now more than ever, because she’s been here from day one and hasn’t judged me for anything.

“Don’t apologize. I love you, babe. I’m always here. You know that. When Elijah and his new hubby get home, we are going to drag night and we’re going to have a blast. You need a night out, to let your hair down and be wild.”

It does sound good. I can’t remember the last time I’ve done anything that didn’t include Alex and that wasn’t being at work. He’s been sleeping over at Callum’s a lot lately, since I’ve been picking up a few extra shifts and that’s such a weird feeling.

Until Asher.

I spend the rest of the shift wondering what the two of them are doing on their guys' night.

The rest of my shift passes quicker than the first half, and it’s after midnight once I walk through the door. I set my keys on the bar quietly and wrestle off my heels, wincing when I brush against the blister on the side. The soles of my feet are so sore.

“Ouch,” I whisper. “Crap, crap, that hurts.”

Finally, I get them off and walk into the living room to see Asher passed out, snoring lightly on one side of the couch, and Alex half hanging off the other side.

There’re bowls of popcorn and candy, as well as coke cans scattered on the coffee table, and I grin. They went hard tonight I see.

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