Page 62 of Till The Sun Dies (Checkmate 2)

Sonia lifts a hand. “This Angelo… How long have you known him?”

“Oh. Um… Like, forever. He’s my brother’s best friend. They went to school together, so he’s always been around.”

“Okay.” She adds more squiggles to her paper. “Go on.”

“So, in forever, I’m not sure he’s ever shut the garage early. But he did yesterday. He turned up at the house a little after three with subs and soda, knocked on the garage door and asked to come in.”

“You let him in?”

“Of course.” I set my tea down and pull my sweater sleeves lower so they cover my hands. “He’s a good guy. He’s the kind of friend every girl should have in her life.”

“A friend… Okay.”

“So I let him in and tried to explain away the already worked on car. He offered me a sandwich, and since I’d forgotten to eat breakfast, I realized I was starving.”

She looks up with a smile. “You ate with him? This is good, Laine. This is an improvement.”

“Yeah, well…” I shrug. “I ate my food. We chatted, remembered old times.”

“You guys have a lot of history?”

“Yeah. Like I said, he’s been around forever. We chatted, and it was okay; I laughed about old memories, fun weekends, parties, silly lies I’ve told the other guys. I wasn’t freaking, but then, I dunno, I ate my meatball sub, spilled a little on my pants, cleaned it up. We were talking about when we were younger, then I caught a glimpse of blood on my bandage.”

“Blood on your bandage?” No longer smiling, she sits forward and stares at my covered hands. “Have your stitches opened up?”

“No. It was meatball sauce, but it was weird. Like a loop in my brain; I saw the sauce, I saw Graham. I saw the shower and a kitchen knife. I saw the eyes of men I don’t remember.” Shivers slide along my spine. “I needed to wash up, get the blood off, get the men off.” Drawing in a long, shuddering breath, I slow my words before I freak myself out again. “Um… I think it’s worse, because I don’t know who all the men were. There were so many, it was so dark, I was so numb to it, I could probably walk by one of them in the store and not recognize them.” It makes me dizzy. Makes me sick. “They’ll go to work tomorrow, they’ll go to the store, they’ll kiss their babies and send them to school, and I won’t know. They don’t have nightmares, but they’re the cause of mine.”

Our eyes meet: hers are steely, mine are red and itchy. “Maybe I teach some of their kids. He might come in for a parent teacher conference, andhe’llknow. He’ll know it’s me, but I won’t know it’s him. I stopped looking at their faces a long time ago. I stopped looking, because I didn’t want more faces in my nightmares.”

“Okay.” Gently, she sits back and allows me time to breathe. To scratch at my dirty arms. “Slow it down. Allow yourself to feel, but don’t allow them to hurt you anymore.”

I drag in a deep breath to hide my fear. She doesn’t want me to feel the pain anymore, but I can’t help it. The faceless strangers scare the shit out of me. One of them could be my post man, or maybe he works in Jonah’s store.

The pizza delivery guy.

Sonia’s male assistant.

I could brush shoulders with any one of the men that took advantage of me, and I wouldn’t know.

“Angelo noticed I was upset.Obviously. I wasn’t very subtle. He came over to help, and I just…” I sigh. “I lost it. I didn’t need his help, and I definitely didn’t want him to touch me.”

“You said he’s your friend, that he’s been around forever. Why don’t you want him to touch you?”

Tears burn the backs of my eyes. “Because dirty hands still touch me. In my mind, they touch me, they hurt me. They pull my hair and pinch my skin. So when he touches, his is the face in my mind. In the club.” My breath comes out on a choked shudder. “I don’t want to make him them. I don’t want to create that association, because he’s my friend and so few men in this world are nice. I don’t want to remember back to our happy times and replace a kind, gentle man with a monster. I don’t want to make him someone I’m scared of.” Tears track over my cheeks and land on my lap. “He’s a good person. He’s pure and kind and would step in front of a bus to protect me, so rather than make him into a monster in my nightmares, it’s probably easier if he doesn’t come around anymore.” I use my sleeve to swipe my cheek dry. “He’s better to be left in my mind as the guy that saved me a billion times. We don’t need to create new memories that are tainted with Graham. We should just keep the old, because they’re pure.”

Sonia slides the tissue box across the table and sits back. “You don’t want him in your life anymore? Did you speak to your sister and Kane about your feelings? That’s their home, and if you’re uncomfortable with one of their guests, you should speak to them about it. They’re trying to provide you with a safe space, but they can’t know what hurts you if you don’t tell them.”

“No.” I bring a tissue to my nose. “It’s not his fault I’m a freak. It’s not his fault I can’t separate what happened before and what’s happening now. He’s friends with Jess and Kane, too, and I can’t make them dump a good friend just because I can’t keep my shit under control.”

My head aches. A new day, more tears, another headache. “It’s just best if I stay away. This is my problem. My fault. Not his.”

When I walk out of Sonia’s office at the end of my hour, Jess tosses her magazine aside and moves toward me.

She ignores my splotchy face and barely dried tears, takes my hand, and falls into step. “How’d it go? Have an epiphany? Meet Matt Damon?”

“No.” I clutch at her hand and walk through the heavy front doors. “But I’m not being sent to the crazy house today.”

She rolls her eyes. “You were always the dramatic one. Do you wanna go to Dixie’s? The old bitch got new flavors this week, so even though we hate her, we’re willing to become traitors and step into the enemy camp just so we can try it out. We’ll flip her off on the way out to make ourselves feel better.”

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