Page 109 of Sacrifice the Knight (Checkmate 6)

“You won’t have to.” He presses his lips to my forehead and shushes my pending panic. We step off the curb and into the street, and when there are no cars coming, we cross over. “Whether you want to love me again or not, I’ll still watch over you guys. I’ll keep you safe whether you like it or not, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“And you?” I look up into his eyes. They’re as light as I remember. But I wondered, for some strange reason, if they’d be darker to match the villain I’d turned him into in my dreams. “How are you coping? How did you cope?”

“I was ordered to a shrink as soon as my cover was blown. Kane and some other guys I knew were sent in to finish that club and shut it down. But I was sent to see Doctor Greene because, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t quite find it in my heart to get out of bed each day without wanting to kill myself.” He smiles and looks down at me, but it’s not a real smile. It’s sympathy more than anything. Somehow, it’s him comforting me, when he was the one who has to live with such massive loss. “I found myself in a hole, metaphorically. It was pitch black and unending, and no matter how often my friends stood on the outside and shouted my name, I couldn’t find my way out.”

“What hap…” I pause. “I mean, how did you get better?”

We step up onto the opposite side of the street as he shrugs. “I don’t know. A combination of things, I guess. Time was probably the biggest factor. Doctor Greene. My friendsrefusedto leave me alone. Kane and Jay took me to their favorite tattoo artist and sullied my virgin skin.”

I laugh, but it sounds choked and desperate more than anything else. “I like your tattoos.”

He gives a contemplative nod. “Me too. They tell a story. It was almost like a purging; I had to sit in that chair for hours every time. No one tried to talk to me; no one tried to force small talk. So we sat in silence, an almost vigil while the guy inked my story into my skin.” He stops us in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment, then grins. “Anofrenda, of sorts. Instead of a candle, I inked them in so I would never forget. Every day while I showered, I would see them. Every night before bed, I would see them. Back in that first year when I so desperately wanted to forget, I would see them. It was both punishment and reward. They were good girls, and I was fortunate they were once mine. Even the pain I felt in that moment, the pain I feel now, was worth it.” We start walking again. “Greene prescribed pills for the first little while to help me find the numb, but it wasn’t until the Bishops got their claws into me and showed me feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, that things started to turn.”

“Hence, tattoos.”

He nods. “We went searching for the pain.”

“Do you still see that shrink? Do you talk to anyone about what happened?”

“I rarely talk about it anymore. The guys ask sometimes if I’m doing okay, but they respect my boundaries for the most part. I talk to Greene still. We created something of a friendship after all these years. He’s seen me cry, after all. So a friendship was inevitable. I haven’t seen him in person in a few years, but we video conference semi-regularly. More so this past year.”

I slow my steps and look up at him with a frown. “Why more lately?”

“Because things seem to be coming to the surface again. Jessie is pregnant. Jay came home and brought Soph with him… The waitress at Franky’s has a son, and they both stole my heart.”

My lips tremble as my heart yearns for him, but my brain savagely reminds me that loving him hurts. “When was the last time you spoke to your doctor?”

“In person, years. On the phone, this morning. I missed you and Mac so much I was making myself sick. He suggested I just… go to you.” He chuckles. “It’s not supposed to be that simple, but here I am, talking to you, and you didn’t rip my face off yet, so maybe he’s on to something.”

“Don’t get complacent. I still have time.”

He grins. “The people I was afraid of… they’re not an issue anymore. They’re not a threat for me, which means I was staying away for no reason. Before this,theywere my barrier to overcome. Now, you are… so I’m hoping to convince you to give me one more chance. One last shot, but I want it all in the open. No secret hook-ups, no middle of the night dashes through town, no sneaking around. I want to date you for real, and I want everyone to know about it.”

“So you make a decision, and now everyone else has to fall in line?”

“No.” We pass under a streetlight so our shadows move around us. “You don’t have to do anything, but I’m not going to walk away without asking. Whether you say yes or no, my heart doesn’t switch on and off like a light. So you might say no today, but I’ll probably be back in the diner tomorrow to ask about the relish. I have nothing but time, and you know I like burgers.”

I shake my head, but still, I lean into him and squeeze. “You’re so stubborn.”

“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be such an issue if your son would stop trying to sell you off.”

I lean back. “Huh?”

“He asked Spence what he thought about dating you. He listed your attributes like you were a car. You have nice hair, a pretty smile, and get a thousand miles to a tank of gas.”

“Stop it! He did not.”

He laughs. “Well, not the tank of gas thing, but he totally tried to set you up with Spence. But that only lasted a few minutes until Spence got himself blacklisted. He might have mentioned his proclivity for kink in bed.”

“No!” I gasp. “He didnotsay that to my fourteen-year-old son!”

“He straight up mentioned whipping women,” Eric laughs. “Then he almost got himself shot when he asked how Mac would feel if you called him Daddy.”

“Oh my God,” I groan. “That’s probably why my kid is quiet! He needs a damn shrink to work out all the shit in his head.”

“Wait.” Eric pulls me to a stop when I try to turn back. “Where are you going?”

“To my son! He’s probably trying to give himself a lobotomy as we speak.”

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