Page 94 of Sacrifice the Knight (Checkmate 6)

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Eric

Istood in my lane with my head in my hands and my elbows on the counter for Mac’s entire conversation with Spence. The bits about wanting to take care of his mom, the bits about wanting to learn how to shoot, even the bit where Spence is sick and likes to whip women in bed.

I listened to it all with a heady mixture of jealousy and humor swirling in my blood – jealousy, because Mac is all business and ready to move past me, but humor, because no way will Spence step forward and cut me out when he knows she’s mine. Even after I swear to hell and back that she isn’t.

But my heart didn’t break until the bit about me ghosting, and how my absence hurts Katrina.

The whole point of walking away is that shedoesn’thurt.

Stopping behind them now, I get my first up close look at the kid I missed more than I could ever admit, and study the gun sitting on the counter just a foot to his right. It’s too dangerous; it would break his mother’s heart, but in the same breath, I’m not opposed to it.

I’m not opposed to anything that could keep them safer. Maybe if I’d taught Gemma, things would have ended differently.

I study him now and swallow the lump that lodges in my throat. He looks tired, wearied, worried. He’s fourteen years old, but his eyes speak of responsibility and being a man. If he snatched up that gun and did away with me, it wouldn’t even be unwarranted.

“I’m sorry I ghosted.” I clear my throat. “It’s not because I don’t care, I swear. And I can only admit that right now because we’re in here.” I gesture around Spence’s bunker, his safe space where no one will overhear us. “Your mom and I are a really complicated situation that you shouldn’t know about, but I guess that train already left the station. Regardless of what you think you know, it’s… complicated. I can’t explain anything beyond that, and I know that sucks, because you consider her your responsibility, but it’s the way it has to be. I can’t be who you want me to be, Mac. And I can’t be who your mom needs. My life is all kinds of messed up, and walking away was me doing you a favor and not dragging you into it.”

He listens to my words, absorbs them in a mature way rather than smacking me in the face the way I know he wants to, then he steps forward and folds his arms across his chest. “I gave you the green light, FuckWhit. I trusted you with her; I called my best friend out in your defense. I told him he was wrong and that I had my shit under control. But she needed you; she wanted you to come to her, and the time you could have comforted her, you split. I don’t call that helping us out.” He pauses and lets his gaze drill into mine. “I say you’re a pussy.”

“Mac…” I blow out a breath. “It’s not that easy.”

“You want her to smile for you. You want to hold her hand and call her pretty.” He nods when I gape. “Yeah, you think I had no clue you were into each other? You think I had no clue you spent time together? I’m not blind, FuckWhit, and I ain’t deaf. I was watching you close. You want all the cute shit; you wanna sleep in her bed when I’m at the gym sleepover; you wanna dance in the dark and say nice things, but the one time she needs a hero, you run. It’s all too hard for you. She’s got baby-daddy troubles and a kid with a smart mouth. It’s not what you signed up for, so you run the second she needs a little support.”

He takes another step forward so we stand only three or so feet apart. “I was willing to make the kid stuff easier. I wouldn’t cause any trouble. In fact, I would have made it so you didn’t even notice my existence. I would have erased the kid shit, and I’m trying to control the baby-daddy shit. I was working toward a clean slate for you, but the second it gets tough, you bitch out.”

“You wanna erase the kid shit?” I snap. “Fuck that, Mac! Any man who wants to date your mom better sack up and date her kid too.” Fury and heartbreak war in my chest. “You don’t get to erase yourself! And any man who allows you to do that, any man who wants her but not her kid doesn’t fuckin’ deserve her! Give him hell. Every man who walks through your door, you gotta give him hell and make him work for it. You gotta weed out the weak and find the right one.”

“Well, that ain’t working, is it?” He pounds his chest. “I make it easy; I make it hard, no matter what I do, you still bitch out. Now she cries at night and pretends she’s got hay fever.”

“Mac…”

“Fourteen years, it’s almost winter, and this is the first time she gets hay fever! Get the fuck out of here. You walked away, and any man who deserves her would never do that. So now you’re out, and Spence is the one watching out for her. Fuck you, DeWhit. Fuck you for breaking her heart.”

“I can’t be with her, Mac! You wanna be the man of the house? Well, now you get to choose the way I’ve had to choose. Do you want your mom happy, or do you want her alive?”

That slows him. His face pales, and his eyes flicker between mine. “Huh?”

“I told you I can’t explain myself! Shit is fucked up, Mac. I stay away to keep her safe. To keep you both safe. You think your life sucks? You think working in a diner sucks? Well, it does; it’s hard work; your mom’s back aches every night when she’s done, and the pay is lousy, but it’s a sheltered fucking life compared to what itcouldbe like. You think the world is ending because your mom doesn’t get wined and dined every Friday? I would if I could! But I choose for her to live. So now you get to man up. Do you want her to get flowers and dinner, only for the night to end with her in a casket, or are you happy with shit the way it is?”

“Cap.” Spence steps around the boy and slams a heavy hand onto my shoulder. “Enough.”

“No! Not enough.” I shove his hand off and turn back to Mac. His face is ghostly white, and his lips quiver. “If you wanna be the man of the house, then it’s time to man the fuck up. Do you choose candlelit dinners, Mac, or life? Because I choose her life!”

“I don’t know what you mean.” His voice quivers. He’s spent so long pretending to be a man, and now that he’s been pushed too far, the boy inside him shows himself. “Why are you saying that about my mom? Why is she in danger?”

“She’s not in danger. That’s the fucking point! I stay away so she’s safe.” I move into the booth now that Spence is out and snatch up the gun the guys left sitting there. I grab Mac’s shoulder and spin him around. “I sacrifice myself to keep her safe. You have the right to lash out at me. I get it; you’re mad. I’m mad too, but these are the cards we get. Now you gotta grow the fuck up and be the man.”

I slap the gun into his shaking hand and drop the muffs back over his ears. “Line it up, Macallistar. We don’t leave here till you can group them. Then tomorrow, you come back. We perfect it; we make her safe. And years from now, when you know what I know, you’ll realize I had to tear my own fucking heart out to be able to walk away.”

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