Page 91 of The Love of My Next Life
She shoves me again, and I grab her wrists.
“I don’t like his fucking hands on you,” I say, pulling her closer. “You’re not his to touch,Astrea.”
She tries to tug her arms away, but I don’t let go.
“I’m not yours either,” she argues, her voice an angry, shaky whisper. I pull her harder against my chest.
“Yes, you fucking are, Lennon,” I snap. “You’re mine. You’ve always been mine.”
I don’t think as I bring my lips to hers. I groan when she kisses me back. It’s been weeks since I’ve tasted her, and this is like the first hit after forced sobriety. She tightens her fingers into my now-ruined tux shirt.
My bleeding, broken face doesn’t stop her. She doesn’t pull away when she tastes my blood in her mouth. She doesn’t run from my darkness. She puts her lips on mine and draws it out of me. She runs her fingers through my hair, calming and soothing. I bring my hand to her neck and hold her to me, afraid she’ll disappear. Everything good in my life turns to ash when I touch it. I’m so scared to stop kissing her and realize this is just another drunken illusion. For her to realize how much better she deserves.
I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. But I’m selfish, and I can’t stop.
“Oh, my fucking god!” someone yells behind us. We’re always getting fucking interrupted.
Lennon and I break apart, and I turn around to find Claire. Her mouth is dropped wide and she’s staring at me in shock. Her hands are pressed to her temples, and she looks so...lost.
Fuck.
“Claire...” Lennon says, stepping away from me. “Claire, I can explain,” she pleads, but Claire hasn’t taken her eyes off me, and tears start to fall down her cheeks.
“You promised,” she says. “Youpromised!”
I shake my head. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Her face wars between disgust and betrayal. I take a step toward her. I reach for her, but she steps away.
“I’m sorry...” I say. She shakes her head.
“You have to ruin everything,” she rasps out, her voice angry and broken. “You couldn’t just let me have this. You just had to take her from me, too.”
“Claire, it’s not like that,” I argue, but she doesn’t listen.
“You’re so selfish,” she cries. “What have I ever done to you? Why do you have to fuck everything up that I love?”
“Claire, I’m not. I didn’t. Would you just listen?”
I’m pleading. I’m dizzy from my rapid heartbeat. I fucked up. I fucked up because I couldn’t stay away. What can I even say to defend myself? I fuck everything up. I keep breaking promises. I keep breaking people.
“I hate you,” she whispers. Of all the times she’s said those words to me, this time feels different. It feels final. “Youpromised, Macon.”
“Promised what?” Lennon asks, and when I look at her, she’s staring at me, too. She doesn’t know the whole story, but she’s already made up her mind about my betrayal. She doesn’t have to say anything. She’s chosen Claire, just like I knew she would. I take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” I say to them both. “Fuck, I’m so fucking sorry.”
Then I walk away, letting the regret and self-loathing swallow me whole.
I try to call Casper, but he doesn’t answer. Neither does Julian. I don’t try Sam. I drive to the hardware store, but Casper’s truck isn’t in the parking lot. I don’t know what the fuck those dicks are doing but I need something.
Someone.
And the one person I want, I can’t have.
NINETEEN
Age 11
Claire is crying again.Dad cancelled, and it’s my fault.
