Page 16 of Love is Strange
You know that feeling you get when you have a crush on someone and you spend every waking moment thinking about them? And when you’re not around them, no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop thinking about them?
That’s the feeling I got when I thought about my friend Eliot. When I told him that I was gay and I had a crush on him, he didn’t make fun of me. He wasn’t mean or grossed-out. He didn’t run and tell everyone at school. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I know.” Then, he laughed and said, “But I’m not, so keep your ugly ass over there”. And that was it.
That situation could have gone so much different than the way it had. If I would have lost his friendship over it, I don’t think that I would be as comfortable with myself as I am today.
The same can’t be said about Griffin. I’ve known he’s gay for a quite some time now. Once we made it to high school, I would see the way he would look at other guys in our grade. It was the same way that I used to look at Eliot. I think he’s known for a while too, but he’s in serious denial. He saw what I went through during high school. It was a really dark time for me. Being openly gay, I was bullied, beaten up, I didn’t make any of the sports teams that I tried out for and it wasn’t because I didn’t have talent. If it weren’t for Griffin and Eliot, I don’t know if I would have made it out alive.
I’ve never mentioned outright to Griffin that I know he’s gay. I’ve tried joking around about it with him to see what kind of response I’ll get. We’ve never kept secrets from one another. I want him to be able to tell me. Knowing that he is withholding such a large part of his life from me is heartbreaking.
We just started our freshman year at Hilliard University. It’s a mostly conservative, southern university filled with a lot of old money and pretentious kids with trust funds. We pledged the same fraternity and thankfully we both made it. As brothers, we’ve always had a very strong innate bond; that bond is what I am depending on to help me go through the whole college life. There is no one else I would want to experience this stage of my life with.
Siblings aren’t supposed to fall madly in love with one another. It’s wrong. It’s sinful. It goes against nature. We’re twins. Maybe we’re drawn to one another more because of that. Maybe we’re confused and mistaking closeness and brotherhood for love. Whatever the reason, we’re not like everyone else, but there is no one else I’d rather be.
Chapter One
Graham
“Dude,did you guys see that Tri-Delt chick earlier today? The one with the tight blue skirt and the black tube top?” Taylor asks the group of us as we’re getting ready for a party taking place later this evening. “She’s so fucking hot, I’m totally hittin’ that tonight!”
“Haha, keep dreaming, bro! There is no way a girl like her is going to let you put your wang anywhere near her. Even if she did, you’d never be able to get her off with a pencil-dick like yours!” Van responds to Taylor.
All at once, there is a collective “Burn!” and “Ooooh DAMN!!” from my frat brothers. Hoots and hollering come from the crowd as Van and Taylor start roughhousing with one another.
College life has been awesome so far.
“Man, whatever! You’re just jealous that you didn’t see her first.”
“You’re lucky I didn’t because she’d only have eyes for me. Wait until we get to that party tonight!”
“Can you guys please keep your heterosexuality to a minimum? I’m about to yak over here,” I shout, jokingly.
I am lucky that most of my brothers aren’t bothered by having a gay frat brother. There are a few who give me the side eye and tend to avoid the showers when I’m in there. One of the guys tried to implement a shower schedule so he would never be in there at the same time as me. The way I see it is, if my presence determines their behavior, that’s their problem. I’m going to keep living my life the way I’ve been living it these past seven years. There won’t be anything holding me back.
Griffin
I wishI was more like my twin brother, Graham. He’s a gay frat brother at a mostly conservative college in the south and he walks around without a care in the world. I worry about him sometimes. He is not the flamboyant type, but it’s definitely not a secret that he’s gay. Some of the guys around campus have been giving him dirty looks, calling him a fag, telling him he doesn’t belong, that he’s going to hell. We were lucky enough to rush and earn a pledge spot in this frat house. The majority of the guys have all been great to him and I have a soft spot in my heart for them.
“Hey, Graham,” I say to him. “Can you come and help me with something?”
“Sure thing, brotha,” he answers with a laugh as he finishes buckling his belt.
I lead him back toward our room and close the door.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Do you really think that it’s a good idea talking to them like that? You don’t think you’re taking it too far?”
He wrinkles his brow with an affronted look on his face.
“Griffin, you need to take a deep breath and get over this. I don’t give a fuck what people think. If they haven’t been offended by now, then I think I’m in the clear. You don’t hear me complaining when they all sit around, talking about how many girls they’ve fucked and when, do I? No, I actually engage in their conversations. We all laugh about it.”
“I know, I just worry about you. That, one day, you might piss off the wrong person and get hurt.”
“I understand that and, while it’s unnecessary, I appreciate your concern. You need to stop with this. I am comfortable with who I am. It’s you who isn’t comfortable in his own skin. It’s you who goes over the top trying to hit on girls. You don’t even try to smooth talk them and work your way in there. It's like you have to prove yourself to everyone by collecting all of these one-night stands like you're a fucking college boy Casanova. Do yourself a favor and stop pretending that you’re different than me. We can talk more about this when you’ve finally learned how to be happy with yourself.”
I stand there in shock as he turns his back to me and struts out of the room.
I’mnotgay.
