Page 70 of Love is Strange
I hate this seedy, old fucking motel but it’s the only place I can ever think of to escape to when she tells me that she’s sick of looking at me.
She never means it in a cruel way and only ever banishes me from her sight, for a lack of a better term, when we’ve gotten into one of our rare heated arguments.
She does it for both of us; it gives her time to cool her temper and it gives me the opportunity to walk away and spend some time alone.
Not that I’m alone tonight, or any other night I’m away from her, for that matter. I usually find someone to pass the time with but never in a way that will break her heart if she found out.
Though if she did ever find out, she’d never believe that it’s always for her.
I was never her “type”; I knew that much from the very beginning.
She never voiced it of course, but there are somethings you just know by the way another person’s gaze falls upon you and others as they walk by. There’s been a constant turmoil deep inside of me to try and be everything I assume she’s ever wanted, but she’s never asked that of me and I like to think that maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe when her hazel green eyes follow someone else down the street, it’s not their appearance she’s looking at—maybe it’s their manner instead. I have to believe that because that’s the only thing that makes these nights spent in this goddamn place worth the work I put in.
For every restless night and every drop of blood spilled, she'll know it was all for her and she'll be proud to love me again.
I wonder if she’s thinking of me right now as much as I’m thinking of her. I hate being away from her; it’s almost like being away from the heart beating inside of my chest and it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I know it’s not forever because it never is, I just hate when I have to endure these moments. But I won’t sit here and wonder about her any more than she worries about me, which is most likely not at all.
Perhaps the cruelest truth of all is maybe we don’t actually love each other but rather know one cannot survive without the other.
Of course, it could all be in my head at this point. The sweet serenity of it all is that I’ll never know for sure, nor will I press the issue with her, because at one point we did love each other, and I choose to believe that we still do.
It’s why I return to her each time.
It’s why she lets me.
I have hope that our lives will be different one day, and we’ll go back to how things were. For now, I’ll just hold onto the hope that until that day comes, she won’t tire of me. And maybe someday soon, she’ll ask me to never leave her side again.
But my biggest hope of all is that the next time she whispers my name into my ear during a quiet, stolen moment, she’ll finally understand our souls were fated for each other.
Chapter One
The elevator is creaking slowly upto the main floor of our loft apartment and I’m as nervous as I am excited. Ella should be waiting for me, hopefully with open arms and a kiss, but our last argument was worse than any of the other ones we’ve had before, so I’m not sure how I’m going to be received tonight.
I hope she won’t be too upset still, because I’ve already forgiven all of the things she said to me in anger. I know her words are never meant to inflict grievous injury to my heart, and I do my best to always forgive her.
She’s the sun and the moon—every beautiful fucking thing that lights the heavens during the day and illuminates the darkness at night.
When the elevator door begins to open, I take a deep breath as I make my way toward our door. There are five apartments on this floor, but they all stand empty because I’ve rented them all. I want our nights of bliss to be ours alone and not have to worry or wonder if we’re disturbing anyone else with our passion. I want our days of anguish to be filled with howls of despair and bitter words, but not to be stopped by anyone who would think we need help.
That’s for us to decide when it’s over and no one else can bring us peace like we can when it’s all said and done.
And it always finds a way to end. Usually with me being tossed out into the streets while she attempts to regain herself, and I’m okay with that because I love her.
I clear my throat nervously as my hand finds the door knob. I can’t quite remember what I said or did last night that caused her such anger, but I only hope that she’s forgotten it by now.
“Hey, I’m home!” I call out, my voice cracking slightly.
I close the door slowly, hoping for a reply, but no words greet me. She’s still angry with me and I wonder what I’ll have to do this time to make it up to her.
“Ella? I’m home!” I say again in a stronger voice.
Nothing.
She’s pissed.
I turn the locks on the door before I walk into the kitchen, careful not to glance into the living room where I know she’s sitting. It’s where she stays when I’ve been banished but she always greets me upon return. This is the first time she’s chosen to ignore me, and I feel like my heart might shatter into a million fucking pieces if I don’t hear her voice soon.
