Page 108 of Rewrite the Rules

By the time I’m out of the shower and put together, Joel is on my living room couch, fully dressed, staring at a blank piece of paper on the coffee table the way Charlie would stare at the Chocolate Factory. I shoot him a quizzical look as I tiptoe down the stairs. His eyes are beaming with glee. “Look what I found,” he says, practically drooling. He pats the couch cushion next to him, beckoning me. I’m not positive why this is such a juicy revelation. I told him exactly where the invoice was.

“I told you she was a little pricey and I don’t expect you to—”

Joel flips the sheet over and my heart plummets out of my chest, past my stomach, slithers down my legs and barricades itself on the floor. I immediately recognize Tessa’s neat scrawl.The F-Buddy Rules for Survival.

“It was in the desk drawer right underneath the breeder’s invoice.” Joel is cheesing so hard. He has no idea the storm that’s coming. “I’ve beendyingto read these.”

“You haven’t looked?” I ask, near breathless. Because if he’s already read them, we’re safe. He’s smiling. Maybe this is okay.I love him. This is going to be okay.

“Not yet. Now that we’re a couple, I thought we could laugh about this together.” But he doesn’t wait. His eagerness overcomes him and his gaze breaks from mine as he begins skimming the rules. “Ah, that’s why you were so pissed about the condom,” he mumbles, then chuckles. I take a step forward but he snags the paper defensively and leaps up. “Nuh-uh!” he teases with a smile on his face that reminds me of the time he found my special copy ofToy With Me.“Boyfriend privileges. I get to read the rules my girl made about sex with me.” He winks playfully.

I watch his eyes move left to right as he scans a few more lines. His smile, still wide. Every other second, he bursts out in a soft chuckle. “All your quirky shit,” he says in a low hum. “Explained.”

I can’t resist the panic so I let it flood through me. “Joel, wait.”

“Baby, stop stressing. I think it’s cute. But also kind of crazy because we never needed rules, I always wanted—”

He stops.

The color drains from his face as his mouth falls open.

Joel Lewis is a fast reader because there’s no doubt in hell that he’s already made it to rule number ten. The rule that just exposed my awkward little secret.

“That isn’t…” Joel turns his puzzled expression toward me. “You’re a virgin?” He pulls off his glasses and rubs his eyes. “Wasa virgin? I was your…first?”

Thump, thump.I can’t think or hear over the damn eight-oh-eight beat of my heart. I try to swallow the lump in my throat but it’s lodged firmly, causing me to choke out my words.

“What?” I ask just to buy time.

“Wasourfirst time,yourvery first time having sex?” Joel’s jaw twitches in a way I’ve never seen before. He looks like he got the wind knocked out of him. My cheeks must flush a color beyond crimson or scarlet. I can feel the hot blood painting my face from the inside. I don’t think they’ve invented a color deep enough to properly convey this.

“What’re you—”

“Rule number ten. The one that says to lie to me about your virginity because I can’t handle the commitment and it’s not my business?”

Endless chatter begins in my mind. It starts as a low drone and gradually rises to a mob-like roar.Shh, stop! I can’t think.My thoughts bounce between panic then anger, defensiveness then fear. Up and down. Forward and back.Thump, thump, thump.I open my mouth but no sound comes out. What can I say?

“Adler—what is going on?” Joel slumps back on the couch that looks just as fragile as I feel against his heavy reaction. “You lied to me?” he asks softly. I expected a million different reactions when this moment finally came. But not this…not the hurt in his eyes and I’m terrified to learn why.

I stand a few paces from the couch, frozen. Can’t go forward and sure as hell can’t go back. I dig my toes nervously into my hardwood floor. “How did I lie? You never asked.” My voice is raspy and small. I hate all of this. I hate feeling like this.I am the weak gazelle.

“You acted like you knew what you were doing…like you could handle…like you were okay with casual sex. And you—your book?” Joel’s stammering, a weakness I’ve never seen in him before. Uncollected. Unnerved. His eyes are aloof, like he’s not really here. He’s busy searching his mind and stitching all the loose pieces together.

“It’s a novel.It’s fiction. I never told you that was my life. In fact, I specifically told you it wasn’t.”Okay, good, Adler. Those were words. You’re doing fine.

“Who writes a cookbook without trying out the recipes? You acted like you had experience. Not like you were the most innocent woman on the planet.”

“It was personal. My virginity was sacred to me.”

Joel’s eyes bulge in my direction. A flicker of annoyance crosses his face. “Sacred? Really? Then why hide it? Adler, that first night I asked you to…you must’ve been so…” He buries his face into his hands. “Youcried.I think about that all the time and now it makes sense. It was your first time, we had sex, and then you thought I tried to get rid of you. You went home alone. You must’ve been—”

“I wasn’t alone. Reese came over.” I suddenly feel cold. I wrap my arms around myself. My shoulders feel so bare, unprotected by the thin straps of my tank top.

“Did it hurt?Jesus—did I hurt you?” His flustered owl eyes lock on mine.

I feel my eyes start to water and I don’t really know why. It’s the truth trying to spill out from within me. I’ve held this in too long. It’s time to be honest. “In the moment, a little—”

“Shit.”Joel lets out a deep grumbly breath.

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