Page 184 of Dagger in the Sea

“What’s this?” I picked it up. Travel agency. I pulled out the papers. An itinerary for a one way first class flight to Athens.

“Erin?”

“I know I haven’t been a good role model to you in the relationship department.” She came around her desk and stood before me. “I could have been fairer about your father to you, instead of spouting my form of vitriol at every opportunity, instead of pushing you away.”

“You did that to keep me safe.”

“You were just a boy. A boy without a daddy and not much of a mommy.” She smoothed a piece of my hair at the side of my face. “I should have bit my tongue more often.”

“Don’t apologize for him.”

“I’m apologizing for me. It’s very late, I realize. You’re a grown man now.”

“Mom?”

“You’re passionate about your work, just like me. And that’s a good thing. But you can’t mistake that passion for love in your life. A good love. It’s not the same. By that I mean a true one, one that pulls all your loose pieces together and makes them fit. One that’s a beacon for you, physically and emotionally.” Her hands rested on my shoulders. “I want that for you. You deserve to experience it and to hold on to it. If Adri could be the one, you need to be together.”

“Jesus, Mom. You make it sound so easy.”

“It definitely isn’t easy, but you have to try. You must. Otherwise what’s the point of fighting to stay alive?” Her voice pleaded with me, her eyes searching mine. She was right; My mother was a fighter. So was I.

She let out a breath. “Have you ever been in love, Turo? Really in love?”

I shook my head. “Once I thought so, but this, this was so different. So much more.”

“Have you told her how you feel?”

“No. We both realized it was something—something that really mattered—but circumstances, reality got in the way and then I had to leave. She has a lot of family responsibilities and she’s stepping up—”

“Just like you’ve been doing.”

“I suppose. I didn’t want to interfere with her—”

“No.”

“No?”

“There’ll always be interference of some kind, but that’s where you shine. Fighting through it, clearing the deck. I had no illusions about James. He wasn’t a fighter. I did the fighting there for both of us. Never a good thing.” Her gaze drifted to the window. “It wasn’t an ideal relationship, but it worked in many ways.”

“I know,” I said tersely.

She pressed her lips together. “I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to ever settle because you’ve been hurt, or it seems like the practical thing to do. Real love only blooms if you risk, if you take a leap of faith. Love soars in that leap. It’s in that soaring that you savor its unique flavor and texture, the one only the two of you share.

“I need you and that’s a good feeling,” she said. “It tortured me these past ten years, but I deserved it.”

“Don’t—”

“It’s true. But now that’s over, and I’m letting myself actually enjoy needing you for a change and it’s sweet, not bitter.” She cleared her throat. “But now is your time to soar. Take a moment and give whatever it is you feel for Adri a chance to grow. That wistfulness I noticed when you first told me about her has turned into a workaholic denial. I know that shit all too well, and I’m telling you, don’t allow it to happen.”

“Is this a mother power play here?”

She squeezed my arm and held my gaze. “Take it as my simply pointing out an alternative direction to you.”

“And make a choice?”

Her face fell. “Turo—”

“It’s true. I need to make a choice. My choice.”

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