Page 112 of Dagger in the Sea

“I don’t feel young, Turo. I feel worn out.”

“Adri—”

I touched his beautiful lips with my fingers. “This is why last night was difficult for me.”

“But what about you and Alessio?”

“That’s different. At first it was fun, and I was usually drunk when we had sex. He never pushed me, he’s very protective. It’s always been casual and comfortable with us.”

“The sex?”

“I—” My tongue stumbled, my face heated.

“Say it.”

“I don’t completely let go and enjoy it.”

“You’ve been faking it with Alessio?” his voice was calm, controlled. A scientist gathering information and data.

“Not always. Sometimes. He gets hurt if I don’t enjoy myself, and I hate disappointing him. He’s good to me. He’s a very good friend. I try, but then I get caught up in my head, and I pull back.”

“You pull back?”

“My heart’s not in it.”

“Neither is your body.” His sharp gaze chewed on me, the weight of those words, his tone burned over my flesh. “He hasn’t realized?”

“Maybe, but he’s never pressured me or pushed.”

His eyes flashed, his mind whirred and clicked with this information. “Huh.”

“Was that irony?” my voice snapped.

“That was re-assessment.” His penetrating gaze bored through me, and my heartbeat skidded at its fierceness.

“And you?” I asked.

“What about me?”

“How did being lied to by your girlfriend, cheated on, I imagine, change you? Did it make you want to find someone new and start fresh? Fall in love again?” My voice came out sharper than I expected, and I regretted it instantly.

“No,” he ignored my defensive tone. “It made me never want to trust another female. To never let a woman interfere with my work. With who I am. I didn’t want to make that mistake again.”

“So you raised a fine mesh screen around yourself.”

“Exactly. My criteria for females became convenience and indulgence.”

“Have you ever admitted that before? Said it out loud?” I asked.

“No,” he said.

“Your convenience, my comfort,” I declared. Our whitewashed truth.

“Adri—”

“I did all this with Alessio for relief, self-preservation, but instead, it’s become another gold cage with another fluffy pillow inside for me to lay on. Another way to hide. But I feel trapped. I don’t think I want to be there any longer.”

“Have you ever said that out loud before?” he asked.

---