Page 30 of See No Evil

“Like you, Legend, I was determined. I love that rebellious disposition in you. I got it too.”

“I know you do, baby. That’s why I keep comin’ ’round here.” He was supposed to keep that to himself, but the words slipped out of his mouth like melted butter sliding along a biscuit.

“Well, I’m glad you keep comin’ ’round here.” She winked at him. He winked back. “My life had been derailed, but I was going to get it back on track. After a few rough years of me acting out, getting into fights, which led to me dropping out of high school in my junior year, and just being an unhappy person overall, I decided to go back and get my G.E.D. That was the same time I found out I was pregnant. I thought to myself, ‘This is the end. I was just making changes, and now look.’ But then, I realized that this was a new opportunity. I didn’t want the cycle repeated, though.”

“Melanie, my sister, says they call that curse breakin’.”

“Yup. That’s when I decided to get counseling. Unlike you, I couldn’t be my own therapist because baby, I don’t know everything. I know a lot, but not enough to heal all on my lonesome. I was bleedin’ too bad to stop all the hemorrhaging. Bleedin’ in my mind and my heart. Being smart is also admitting that sometimes, you just ain’t got all you think you got, and you don’t know all you think you know. We’re constantly evolving. I needed to deal with the little girl inside of me that had been betrayed, before I could be the woman I am in the present, and the mother I will be tomorrow.”

He grabbed his beer and polished it off fast. He could feel his face flashing with heat. Perhaps he’d just swallowed a pieceof humble pie. It felt rough going down.She just told me in the politest way possible that I’m full of shit. That’s cool. Maybe I am.

“How did you sort all of this out? Recognize that this was what you needed to do?” He scooted closer to her, placing her legs and feet over his lap. He also made room for himself, so he could hold on hard to every word she uttered.

“I had a nervous breakdown. That’ll do it. I was pregnant, and alone. That’ll do it, too. I knew something had to give, but before that, when I was getting my G.E.D., I just knew I deserved better. I can’t tell you where it came from, but I imagine it had to be from the strength of God. That strength is in all of us. We just got to open our eyes and see it.”

“Did the therapy help?”

“Therapy is what you make of it. To be honest with you, had I been more receptive at the time, it probably would have been more effective. I didn’t trust myself, Legend. You may not understand this, and it’s hard to do unless it’s happened to you. But sometimes, kids who are sexually assaulted second-guess themselves and never feel truly secure. We feel like somethin’ we did caused us to be touched or abused. We pretend we’re okay when we’re not. We build walls by being angry. We argue and fight with people who didn’t have anything to do with it. We become promiscuous, or scared to love somebody and have sex at all. We question ourselves, and we look at our bodies differently. It’s a whole list of stuff we do to cope, and it’s all bad. What’s crazy is that when I got pregnant, I wasn’t out in these streets wildin’ out or anything.”

“I always found that interesting, like, back in the day, I had a lot of female friends and the ones that got pregnant were the ones with boyfriends, or were pretty innocent. The girls we saw as hoes a lot of time didn’t have kids, or at least, not more than one. I used to think about that.”

“Yeah, it happens. I had gone through a promiscuous stage, but that only lasted a year or so, when I was like fifteen, and I stopped doing it once my foster mother spent time with me, explaining why I needed to respect myself. She let me know what happened to me wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t need to give myself away as if that was the only way to be loved. My child’s father was my boyfriend, not some fling, and we always used protection. I was on birth control, too, but somehow, it happened anyway.” She shook her head. “I changed birth control pills after having my daughter, and have been fine since, but I was absolutely terrified because like you, back then I used to say I didn’t want any children, either. Now, here I was… about to be a mother. Once I went to counseling, things got a little better. It didn’t fix everything, that’s an unrealistic expectation, but it opened the doors for me to think more freely, and cut myself some slack. Forgiveness has to begin at home.”

“You were a victim. To me, people who mess with kids should be shot ’nd killed. Once we know they did it for a fact, justice should be swift. Immediate! No questions asked. I think it’s bullshit that our tax dollars pay for these mothafuckas to eat, drink, sleep and read. To be in protective custody while in prison, if they ever even make it to jail!”

“Tell me about it!” She snuffed the cigarette, and her expression was one of repugnance.

“Meanwhile, a drug dealer like me was getting twenty-year sentences that thankfully didn’t stick, but a guy can violate his own baby girl like that, his own flesh and blood, and get a slap on the wrist. It’s bullshit.” He felt his anger soaring, and he was afraid he was going to detonate.

“Itisbullshit, and our justice system is screwed up, Legend. It protects the criminals more than the sufferers and survivors. That’s another reason why I talk to kids. It’s my duty. I’m a soldier for these kids, you hear me?” She sounded so powerful.So on top of her shit and in the know. He had a respect for her he couldn’t put into words. He’d go as far as to call her his hero. “You got one thing wrong though. I’m not a victim, Legend. I’m just Desiree.” She shrugged. “Livin’ my life, and livin’ my life well, is the best revenge. So, that’s what I’m doing. I still struggle sometimes. I have problems with men and trust issues. You’ve seen it. You’ve called me out on it. We’ve been makin’ jokes about it, but those songs I listen to help me feel okay, because deep down, I want to experience love.Truelove, with someone who isn’t out to use me, hurt me, or get over.”

I can love you the way you want to be loved, baby. Just give me a chance…

“I hear you. Now look at you, taking care of business. You’re a bad bitch, and I mean that in the most respectful way.”

“Legend, you need yo’ ass beat.” He burst out laughing. “Normally, I would cuss a man out who said that to me, but I know you don’t mean nothin’ by it!” They both cracked up. “You’re damn right though, and relationships have been the farthest from my mind, but I’m not gonna even hold you.” She smiled sadly. “If the right man walked into my life, I’d jump at the chance of something great with him, but he’d have to be a good person for my daughter, too. I can’t just think about me anymore. I gotta think about my baby.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t mind datin’ a guy that fell down, as long as he got up, and did everything in his power tostayup. Nobody’s perfect. I’m not workin’ on no build-a-bears over here.” He laughed at that. “I’m serious. I have enough on my plate without having to babysit a whole grown man. I went to college and got an associate degree in business right after I had my baby. I then started working, saving up money. Now, years later, I’m in cooking school so I can run a restaurant. I’ve got my child in a good charter school, and I’m pretty much raising her on my own,because her father has his own problems that ain’t even worth talking about right now.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Boy, you know you can. We’ve done told all of each other’s business these past few weeks. I guess that means we feel safe with one another, and we both had a lot to say. See? I told you that you’d be a good friend. You’re a good listener.”

Friend? Stop calling me a fucking friend. I want to fuck you. Be deep inside you. I want to love on you. Take you and your daughter out to the zoo and shit. Like a real couple. I want to be with you! I FEEL DEEPLY ABOUT YOU.

“Yeah… okay.” He closed his eyes for a spell, trying to gain his composure.

“So, go ahead and ask me your question. No sense in me getting quiet all of a sudden in the last inning.”

He smiled at that.

“Where’s your father at now? After everything that happened?”

“Oh, he’s dead, baby.” She smirked, happily relaying the information. “Died in prison. He was in and out of jail for other shit. Larceny. Domestic violence against other women. He’s been gone for a long while now. About twelve years.”

“He should rot in hell.”

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