Page 57 of See No Evil

Axel shot him a glance and grimaced.

“That’s the stupidest shit you’ve ever asked me, and it’s the second time you’ve alluded to it.”

“You been ’round English too long, usin’ all these fancy words and shit lately, and I didn’talludeto a mothafuckin’ thing. I came on out and said it! Is you a snitch or not?”

“Don’t you do this shit! Ihatewhen you do this. I told you that what you had going on in your apartment was strange.Disturbin’. Demented. It’s a fucking hit list. I meant what I said, too.”

“And I told you that you had a lot of fuckin’ nerve sayin’ that to me, considerin’ yourownsituation. Slingin’ bones ova here, when you standin’ in a whole graveyard. You got bodies, man. I wasn’t the one on the news after puttin’ two dudes in their Sunday’s best, casket fresh.”

“Oh, but it sure as hell is written in blood on your fifty-page prison record! Just ’cause your deeds didn’t make the ten o’clock news, it didn’t mean the shit didn’t happen, jackass!”

“You’re an entire Michael Jackson in the Thriller video, man! Out here settin’ fuckas on fire, too. Pyromaniac ass! Then you stood there and lit your cigarette on the flames. Also, you wanted to piss on Master’s dead body, and only didn’t ’cause you didn’t want to leave any DNA. ButI’mdisturbing? You got me fucked up!”

“All right, just knock it off! Let’s not get tuh fightin’ again!”

“Yeah, you didn’t like that, did you? How the tables got turned on yo’ bitch ass. Mr. Holier Than Thou. You and Caspian really been smellin’ y’all self lately. Need a mothafucka like me to bring you back down to Earth.”

Axel sighed and shook his head. “Regardless of all of that, Iknowyou, Legend. You’re not groundless or foolish. There’s got to be a reason why you’d have three guys on a poster board, surrounded by candles, prayer cards, maps, quotes about murder, and death wishes written all over their photos. What gives?”

He swallowed and messed with his seatbelt, sitting up straighter. He could feel the tears coming before he even uttered the first word. The vulnerability was debilitating.

Is this what a man is? Am I any less of a man because of what happened to me? I know that’s not true. I can’t even believe I am sittin’ here thinking about this, but this shit iscrazy. I know that’s bullshit. I couldn’t consent. I feel like my damn manhood is in question. It’s like sittin’ here with him, making those old tapes play in my mind again, where I felt like I had to show the world I was purely about pussy.

This has nothing to do with sexuality, though. It has to do with a crime that took place, against a kid: ME. My mind and my body were violated. I hate even thinkin’ that, too. It sounds weak. This is why I’ve been avoiding this conversation with him. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this! Why do I feel so bad right now, then? I wish my baby was here. She could take the edge off. This is her forte. She’s an expert. I’m not…

He rubbed his hands together, then began to clap as his emotions grew darker and darker. He could see Axel give him the side eye. He abruptly turned off the radio.

Just say it… SAY IT!

“Check it. My mama’s boyfriend did some shit to me when I was a kid. Some fucked up, nasty shit that he shouldn’t have done, and now, here the fuck we are…”

And so it began. He kept talking and talking, telling more and more, until he could see Axel’s complexion turn almost ghostly white. Axel pulled up to a red light and flung his long hair over one shoulder, shrouding part of his face. Then, instead of taking Legend home, he made a detour to a local park. It was a pretty day. Blue skies. Birds chirping. How ironic. How mocking. How hurtful.

Axel stepped out of the van abruptly, after parking in a less than perfect way. Legend sat there, looking out the window. Not at Axel, but in the opposite direction. He could hear crickets and grasshoppers. See the lightning bugs’ asses glowing as they flew on by. A strange, warm feeling washed over him, followed by a cold reality setting in, right on his chest, and weighing him down. When Axel got back in the van, he was wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Legend couldn’t believe it.

This bastard was cryin’. Well, I’ll be damned.

“Legend, I needed a moment to get my thoughts together. I—”

“Man, you—”

“Please don’t interrupt me. If you do, I will lose my train of thought, and… just don’t interrupt me.” Legend nodded and turned around, facing the front of the van. “First of all, I fuckin’ wish you woulda felt comfortable tellin’ me about this shit when we were kids, man. Hell! I would have accepted knowin’ about it even in high school at least, but I understand why you didn’t talk. I’ve never been in your shoes, never had somebody do something so diabolic to me, so I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t have done. I’m just sayin’ that if I’d known, I coulda… I coulda been there for you. Second of all, it never crossed my mind that that’s what your deal was all of these years. I had no idea.” Axel’s lower lip trembled ever so slightly.

It touched Legend’s heart that his brother was so moved like this. Hurting right alongside him.

“Third, I’m sorry Ms. Paula didn’t do right by you. I know thangs are rough with your mama. I witnessed you two argue all the time when we were in high school, and I remember clearly you having to stay at my house sometimes when she’d kick you out. Regardless, if you’d… if you’d have told me, I woulda told my mama, and you know she would’ve jumped in and tried to do somethin’, Legend.”

His phone vibrated. It was Desiree, telling him she’d meet him at his apartment so that they could go to the gym later on that day, as promised. He slipped his phone into his pocket and listened to Axel, who sounded guilty when he shouldn’t have.This ain’t even your fault or doing, man… but go on ahead…

“I understand that this happened before we met, but my mama woulda got you out of that house. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Can I speak now?” He turned to him, his eyebrow raised. “Look, Axel, youwerethere for me, man.” Legend’s voice was low, barely audible. It was hard to speak, to get the words out. “Don’t make this about you. Don’t make this a problem thatyouor your mama could’ve solved. You couldn’t have, man. The only person who had the power to stop this from happenin’ didn’t. That’s just it! That’s all.”

He threw up his hands. “She rested comfortably in her inactivity. And my mama was happy there. No cap. She allowed a guy, who was helpin’ to pay some of her bills, to stay. I don’t believe for one second that she didn’t see the strange ways he’d look at me, how much time he was spendin’ with me, and how obsessed he became with me. He was takin’ care of her. He stayed longer than anyone else did. She didn’t want that to stop. To go away. Plus, she loved this demon. I understand… When a woman is in love, she ignores red flags. When a sick, selfish woman is in love, she ignores the red flags at her own children’s expense. Now, I can’t say definitively that she knew what he was up to, but I know deep in my soul that she was aware this mothafucka was weird!Everybody could see that.” Axel nodded in understanding. “He never wanted no grown woman’s pussy—she wasn’t his first-round draft pick.

“He wanted to mess around with a kid. A lil’ boy. He was fuckin’ Chester. A certified pedo. And he did what pedos do.” Legend shrugged. “I wasn’t his first victim, and I damn sho’ know I wasn’t the last. Church… I’ll be back.”

He hopped out the van, slammed the door, and walked away into a field area. Lighting a cigarette, he puffed on it a few good times, then took some long, deep breaths. After a couple of minutes, he gathered his wits, stomped the cigarette out, and returned to the van. He sat there for a few seconds, saying nothing until Axel broke the ice.

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