Page 15 of Painting Her Fate

Where is mum to save me? She cannot stay away forever. Why would she leave me here with this monster?

*Begging* Gran. I need my Gran. Please Gran. Please.

_Age Fourteen_

I thrash, I kick, I scream, anything to get the monster to leave me alone. I didn’t want to be in my body, I couldn’t keep going with the constant pain anymore, I want the agony to end. My shouts are cut off when I feel a body behind me, clinging tight and unwilling to let go. *whimpers* I shake uncontrollably as my mind clings to uncertainty.

The monster is here. It’s here. I cannot get away; I have to get away.

When is Gran back?Please Gran, *begging* please. Christ! It hurts! It hurts! *Garbled cry* No please, PLEASE!

Fear is a heavy companion as rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks, but the monster only laughs and digs its claws in deeper, my whimpers only giving it further encouragement.

*Begging* Make it stop, please.

A flicker of light shines in the pitch black, my body shakes uncontrollably and the echoes of my terror glint off the walls.

Understanding crosses me as I find it was not my monster, but Gran who’s with me in my bed- and we’re at the hospital. She is holding me, careful to avoid my bandages; the wounds underneath now throbbing from my recent movements. My whole abdomen and the upper part of my right leg are wrapped like a mummy and it’s difficult for me to move. Pain crashes over me like a tsunami making my empty stomach and lurch, dry heaving now being my new normal. Gran lends me her comfort, talking me back to the present and shedding tears with me.

*Sigh in relief* She is here. I am safe. My monster is gone. It can no longer harm me.*Begs*How I want to go home. I do not belong here.

I no longer want to live in this world if this is what is left for me.

_Present Day_

I make my way nervously through the brightly lit corridors to an empty lift and push the button for the floor Claire mentioned my dad resides. The second the doors close my anxiety heightens. Hospitals are not my first choice to visit, and for good reason. Closing my eyes, I take in a few deep breaths to calm down and steer my thoughts to happier times.

Think of dad, he needs you here.

The chime rings, the doors open, and I can breathe easier. After a few deep breaths I ‘round the corner to the waiting area where I find Claire in the first chair perusing through a magazine. She stands when she catches sight of me, her stride full of grace and gentleness. She is a person in her prime and a lover of all.

Find a distraction. I study her clothing in detail, right down to any hem that has a loose thread and anything that might be out of place. It’s a simply sweet pairing she has on today; baby blue trousers matched with a white shirt covered in tiny little blue birds, a cheerful setting in comparison to the news we’ve been dealt. Her short spiky light gray hair frames her face nicely and must be easy upkeep. She has this poise about her, nowhere near snooty, quite the opposite. Her belief in a higher being is what has her here praying for her son to come out of this. Her smile is genuine and bright as she nears.

“Lili, so good to see you again. How have you been, dear?” She kisses the side of my cheek then gives a gentle embrace that I return.

“It is good to see you, Claire. How is he?” I whisper as I fidget with the hem of my tunic. There is no one else in the waiting area but it feels awkward speaking normally.

Find a distraction.I silently snap my fingers in the time of two.One, two. One, two. One, two.

Oh, how I regret not taking the edge off with a Xanax.

*Inner Scottish lass*You will be fine.Tamp it down and control yourself- you can do this. Dad needs you.

“You know, you need to start calling me grandma, or nana, or even mimi, trust me, I can handle it.” Her smile only brightens as she takes the hand

I was snapping with and leads me down the corridor. “Come dear, we can gossip in his room for a bit. Grandpa Frank will be here later, so you and I have time to catch up on the latest gossip.” Claire always is one to have the glass half full personality, especially when she found out she had a granddaughter. She said God blessed the family with the news at the right time- I was heaven sent, as she put it.

Pure hogwash if you ask me. But I’m not one to go about shouting my opinions on that subject.

We enter a room with monitors beeping lightly. I look around the curtain to find a bandaged body lying there, bruised, disheveled, and broken. The man in the bed is comatose, has a few days-old beard festering on his face, his leg off the bed and strapped in a metal brace with pins, and wires wrapped along his upper body. I’m taken aback at the sight. With wide eyes I turn to Claire and find her watching me with intent.

“What all happened?” I asked as I sat on the side of his bed then placed his bandaged hand in mine. Mack told me some of the details, but said Claire would be the one to relay everything. I’m trying my damnedest to keep my emotions in check.No crying, Lili. Be strong. Now is not the time.

Claire sat in a chair next to the bed, “From what the police have told me, he was struck by a drunk driver who fell asleep at the wheel. Your father was pinned between the car and his bike. Thankfully, someone saw the whole thing happen and called it in. They were able to help him until the ambulance arrived.” Claire looked down at my hand clasped in her son’s, “They had to call in Mercy Flight to bring him here. His helmet, leather gloves, and layers of jackets and chaps are what saved him.”

Seeing him in this state I’m able to understand where Mack’s mind would go on blaming himself. He’s not to blame. I blame myself. If I would have come home sooner, dad wouldn’t have been on the road that early in the morning let alone on his bike. I would’ve made him stay for breakfast then had him drive his truck. This part of New York can receive every type of weather in a single day- it’s not motorcycle season yet. I could have prevented this.

Claire shifts her focus back to the accident and I’m grateful for the change. “Daniel was unresponsive for a time and doctors thought he may have a neck or brain injury.”

---