Page 73 of Painting Her Fate

If I stay - *sigh* hell, not sure why I’m even contemplating that. I’m not leaving, not unless she tells me to once I open this door.

I find her in the same position on the bed, hidden in darkness, an awareness in the air. Even with Lili’s defenses damn near impenetrable, I sense her inner siren, the fierce independent spirit has now morphed into that of a timid child, her cries for help going unanswered.

Can no one else hear her?! Is no one out there paying attention?!

The little one is weary; she can’t take much more of the torment she’s been dealt. She’s sinking into the infinite blackness.

I can hear her blood curdling misery, It’s gut wrenching and alarming. Someone! Anyone! How can no one else hear her?!

I’m here little one. Take my hand. I’ve got you. You’re safe with me.

Deciding to throw all logic aside, I slide underneath the blanket next to her. We lay on our sides unable to physically see the other, however I don’t need to; I can sense the whirlwind of emotions raging behind her walls. It’s only a matter of time before the storm intensifies, and her barriers will crumble from the force.

She needs someone there to catch her when she falls – I’ll be there.

Lili is quiet as she scoots into the crook of my arm, her hands are balled into fits and placed tightly under her chin. She’s locked up tight; no way am I knocking, asking for her to let me in, not right now anyway. Her body relaxes slightly, and she sighs, her warmth alone telling me I made the correct choice to stay.

Even if it costs me everything.

I woke to find the sun shining through the slit in the blackout curtains and a cold empty bed beside me. Instantly my thoughts turn negative.

What if I had an episode? Did I inadvertently hurt her while we slept?There is no way to tell until I see her.

If last night wasn’t bad enough for her, she has my demons to contend

with while I’m unconscious. I can’t protect her. She isn’t safe sleeping next to me.

I sit up and rub my eyes.Enough with the negativity.She is probably

sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.Chill out.

Once out of the bathroom I pull on yesterday’s jeans then make my way to the living room, hearing the twang of an acoustic guitar in the foreground. I really enjoy the playlists she’s constructed; they’re her way of giving consent. They tell me her mood and give insight of just who she is. Judging by the song she started to play, Breaking Benjamin’sDear Agony,she’s reflecting on last night’s events.

This song hits right where it hurts.

What I didn’t expect was to find her sitting at the couch with her back to me, the guitar from the corner of the room in her hands. No speaker is blasting music. It’s her.

She has on a knitted cardigan to contend with the coolness of the morning, her hair is disheveled in waves of swirling sand touched by the wind, and that voice; my sweet siren is back as if nothing happened the night before.

At least I didn’t have a nightmare while here.

To pay witness to this rare moment of her dark tranquility – it’s resembling my own. Her talent, beauty, quick wit, and selfless deeds have me ready to bow at her feet. I will never be worthy of this divine being.

This song is about finding your inner faceless enemy and overcoming it, or giving in and allowing it to take over, to rule who you think you’d never be. To let your demons win. She doesn’t want to be in agony but can’t shake the torment she faces even though her lips are tightly sealed. She’s cold – doesn’t want to show her emotions because she senses no one there to stand beside her.

I’m here Lili, here to pull you out of this hell, just let me in.

Her emotions ebb and flow as she strums each chord, skillfully singing the chorus and damn near breaking my heart in the process. I lean against the counter, mystified. The lyrics end as she continues playing, until she fades it out and strums one last chord. She releases a sigh of contentment then must sense me watching.

She turns around, eyes wide, “how long have you been standing there?” She asks, placing the guitar in its stand then making her way to me.

There is no hesitance of being caught or embarrassed, that’s a plus.

“Long enough to know that you amaze me more, each and every day.” I draw her in and wrap my arms around her waist, “good morning, beautiful.”

I tilt her chin and bring her in for a kiss, one she returns. Another good sign. How do I begin to ask her about last night? Should I bring it up right off the bat first thing this morning?

Best not.

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