Page 92 of Painting Her Fate

Staring at Lili in her oversized gray sweater, gray slippers, her long braid, and tired eyes, it all looked foreign; it’s odd to see her this colorless. This is not my ray of golden light Goddess.

The mood shifted when we sat down on the couch, Hank resting by our feet. There was a charge in the air, and I knew what she had to say wasn’t going to bode well.

“We should talk.” She pauses to turn her body to me, “Maybe you would like something a little stronger than water. I popped over to theoffy(liquor store) and have wine, whisky-"

“I'm fine with just the water.” I decline and set my gaze directly onto hers. She is trying to stall, not if I have anything to say about it. This conversation is overdue. If she’s wanting to end things here and now, I think I might riot.

Now is not the time to profess your love.

Lili turns away, undiscernible French lacing her subdued whispers.“Je n’ai pas d’issue. (I have no way out).”Her voice breaks and I wish I knew more than three words in French,“Je n’ai pas d’issue, Alexandre (I have no way out, Alexander).”She sighs,Aidez moi (help me), Sauve-moi (save me).

S’il vous plaît (please)”

The only word I’m know is the last one she said.Please.Please what?

_Lili_

With his hand in mine, it’s but a sliver of comfort felt due to the pounding in my ears, my heart fluttering like hummingbird’s wings battling a blustery breeze. What I’m about to tell him will rattle him;I do not want to lose him.My hands are shaking as I close my eyes and turn my head away from Zander's incredulous stare, my confidence waning.

“Look at me.” Zander says softly, tilting my chin up.

I lift my gaze to his, the crease in his brow falls away when our eyes meet.

I can’t do this. He is never going to speak to me again. He will be disgusted by me. I thought I could tell him my secrets, but I can't.

I repeat the words. I need him leave; this is all too much.

Zander squeezes my hand, “come back to me. Whatever you have to say, we can work through it together.”

His voice is strong and confident.

“This isn’t easy for me.” My voice breaks as I try to dampen my emotions. Zander has chiseled his way through my barrier; I’m feeling things, things I have locked away, things I told myself I would never give to someone.

It’s all bubbling to the surface and I’m choking, drowning in it.

I don’t like feeling this way.

No more secrets – I can’t take any more secrets.

His usual comforting touch does little, “I told you, I’m going nowhere.” He brushed away a loose piece of hair that fell from my braid and

I sigh into his touch, “I’m not scared off as easy as you think. I’ve got you.”

Hank sets his head in my lap and whines. After a minute of stroking his ear, my nerves are under control enough to say the only thing that can be said.

“I’m not able to do this, whatever this –” My eyes well with tears and I lose my voice.Quit being a miserable cunt, tell him.

“God, don’t cry.” He soothes as the first tear falls and he’s quick to wipe it away, “what can I do?”

“I cannot keep doing what we are doing,” I blurt, “It hurts too much Alexander.” A sob catches in my throat, tears streaming down my face. He cups my cheeks in between his palms and wipes away the never-ending waterworks.

“Look at me, Lili.” He commands, my eyes immediately locking with his. He clears his throat and I watch his Adam’s apple bob, “I will wait, no matter how long.” He pushed Hank away when the dog tried getting onto the sofa, “stay down Hank.” He meets my stare, his eyes softening as he whispers, “I don’t wanna risk losing you.” He pauses, takes a deep breath then releases it before the acceptance flashes in his eyes at what he’s wanting to ask, “Does this have anything to do with Isaac? Who is he?”

Shock steals me. I grab the hands that held me, pull away from his touch, and stand from the sofa, striding to my darkened art studio.

Not that name. He heard me say that name – the monster’s name. No, no, no. This cannot be happening.

“I think it’s time you leave.” My throat is tight, I can’t breathe. I turn my back to him and try finding a distraction outside the windows but it’s dark, too dark. A storm is rolling in. I begin snapping my two-time beat, not finding any relief from the action. Go away, go away, go away!

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