Page 151 of Everything Under the Sun

THAIS & (ATTICUS)

His voice boomed in my ears.

Without even thinking about it, I heaved myself toward him, reaching for him, but he put out a hand and stopped me.

“Don’t touch me,” he barked. “You should’ve fucking told me!”

“Why?” I cried, my small hands compressing into fists with emotion even bigger than he was. “What does it matter?! Why are you acting this way?!”

He stepped toward me, pointing his finger in my face. “Because just as it is your choice to give it away, it should’ve been my fucking choice whether or not to take it! YOU SHOULD’VE TOLD ME!”

The intensity of his voice stole the breath from my lungs and the beat from my heart.

I stepped back.

He kept moving toward me.

“I had a right to know,” he said. “Why did you not give me that choice? Tell me why, Thais—tell me the fucking truth!”

I would have kept walking away from him but the wall behind me stopped me cold. I was trapped between it, and a raging Atticus in front of me. But still, I was not afraid of him; I was only afraid of losing him; and I knew he would never hurt me no matter how loudly he yelled or how scary he looked.

“TELL ME!” he roared, sending shockwaves through me; I pressed the back of my head against the wall in reaction.

And as he stood there in front of me, as his eyes and his anger bore down on me, something inside of me changed.

Instead of cowering, I rounded my chin, wiped the tear tickling over the bottom, and pushed myself away from the wall and toward him boldly.

Atticus did not move.

“I’ll ask you again,” I said with courage. “Why does it matter? I gave it to you because it was mine to give—shouldn’t that be all that matters?” I reached out again with both hands.

(I didn’t push her away this time; my mind was off somewhere else. I took it from her…I took it from her…)

“I wanted you to have it,” I said with desperation.

He brought up both hands and pushed mine away as they went toward his face.

“It was your choice to give it away,” he exclaimed, “but if I had known, I never in a thousand fucking years would’ve taken it from you, freely or not!”

“But why? Tell me why!”

“BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR INNOCENCE!” he bellowed; angry tears rushed to the corners of his eyes. “The very core of your innocence, Thais; the thread that keeps you tethered to what’s left of the light!”—his eyes were ferocious, pain-filled—“There are two things”—two fingers shot upward—“just two threads that keep you tethered: your virginity and your hands—YOU HAD NO RIGHT!”

I blinked. My hands?

ATTICUS

“The moment you take a life with your hands,” I said, holding out my murderous hands in front of me, “you lose what’s left of yourself. And like your virginity, you can never get it back.” I laughed darkly, without humor.

“It all makes sense now,” I said, not looking at her. “The darkness is drawn to the light, the light to darkness,” I thought out loud. “I thought I was crazy falling for you, but now I know I why—the darkness is drawn to the light. It’s the natural fucking order of things!”

I looked at her with harsh, accusing eyes. “Why would you let me take that from you? Why would you put that on my shoulders?”

Without letting her answer, I stormed from the bedroom.

THAIS

I could hear his heavy footsteps moving down the hallway. I went out after him, and with each hurried step I felt myself panicking more. Where is he going? Why is he so angry? I knew there was more to this than what he’d told me.

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