Page 239 of Everything Under the Sun

But I knew it would not be mine. I knew but I couldn’t tell her.

“You are my Light, Thais,” I whispered.

(“You are my Savior,” I whispered back, and the light above and all around me faded.)

“I will die for you,” I said. “I will kill for you; I will stain my hands with the blood of a thousand men for you.”

(“Will you…Atticus? Will…you?” The light blinked out.)

“Yes, Thais…Let me prove it. Live and let me…prove it.”

I felt her hand slacken.

I looked up at the calm, peaceful sky as a flock of birds flew overhead amid the encompassing blue. The bottled emotion ravaged me from the inside out, and it gushed forth in torrents, and I cried, and cried, unlike any man had ever cried.

“Please, Lord…I beg You, don’t take her life. Take me if that’s what You want, but don’t take Thais…”

What am I doing? Praying? No…No, I will never ask You for anything! My teeth ground together, and my head became hot like a flame, and I could feel my fists clenched in fury and vengeance. “Don’t You take her from me! You’ve taken everything else—DON’T YOU TAKE HER FROM ME!” I roared; my body shuddered, wracked by emotion; tears blurred my vision, burned my eyes. I hated God. I hated Him for killing the world, for killing my mother and my sisters and my brother. But not Thais…Please don’t take her.

Images of my life as a boy ran through my mind, a time without my abusive father, a time of innocence, a life filled with love and joy and family and hopes and dreams. I smiled. And I cried. And in my mind I laughed. And in my heart I forgave. “You didn’t do this…I know You didn’t do this,” I told God. “We did this. Humans killed the world. Men killed my family”—my chest shuddered—“I…I’m sorry. For everything. For blaming You. For hating You. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

My fists relaxed suddenly, and the heat in my head cooled, and the tears that burned my eyes and blurred my vision dried upon my face. I looked up at the sky again, at God, and the breeze brushed my cheeks and combed through my hair. Peace. It consumed me in that moment, though I didn’t know why. Is this what it feels like to die? I thought. Is this what it feels like to be dead?

I tried to reach for Thais’ hand, but I couldn’t move my own.

“Please…let her live…”

The sky blinked out.

71

THAIS

Get her into the truck…carefully…

She’s still breathing…

Lost a lot of blood, but…

…No, let me do it…Hello, can you hear me?

Start the IV already…

Ma’am?

Ma’am?

Sweetheart?

“Where’s…Atticus?”

All I could see was the back of my eyes; the pain ravaged me all over; I felt hands prodding my body, making it worse. Don’t touch me…

“Just lie still,” a voice said. “You’re going to be okay.”

“Where…where is Atticus?”

There was an eerie pause, engulfed by silence.

---