Page 60 of Everything Under the Sun

I sobbed…I fucking sobbed.

Thais opened her mouth and wailed; her fingertips dug into the flesh of my arms.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my mouth pressed against the top of her hair. “I’m so sorry…” I was shaking. I was shaking. For a moment, I didn’t know myself; the emotion so foreign that I questioned if this was real.

A long time passed that I held Thais there. I was afraid to let go of her, afraid she might grab the gun again, or try to run away—I was afraid of failing her after bringing her back from the brink of certain death. But did I bring her back? Or was she just too afraid to take her own life?

The warm glow of firelight spread outward across the floor, and I looked up at the wide-open door. Farah, in all her dark-haired glory, stood in the hallway with a lantern clasped in one hand, and a barely visible smile at her lips. I remembered seeing her on the first floor of Evelyn’s building during the commotion, which was an unusual place for any of Rafe’s wives to be, and this gave me cause for suspect. Could she have hung the blind sister from the window? It was possible, but unlikely, I concluded. But she may’ve been how Thais found out about it at least.

The lantern glow became brighter as Farah stepped into the doorway.

“What do you want?” I demanded from my spot on the floor; Thais remained limp in my arms.

“I hope you’re trying to save dat girl for yourself, Atticus,” Farah warned, “and not for my husband—should just letta join her sista.”

I expected to feel Thais tense up hearing that comment, but she didn’t move.

I flashed Farah a look of rage; my teeth gritted.

“Did you do this?”

“Oh please,” Farah scoffed; she reached up and brushed her hair away from her shoulder. “If I wanted her dead, I wouldn’t have gone through de trouble or de dramatics.” She laughed lightly under her breath, smoothing her pregnant belly with her hand. “Dere are much easia ways dan tying a rope ‘round a troat and trowing someone out a window.”

I felt Thais tense then.

“Close the fucking door when you leave,” I demanded.

Farah smiled, reached out slowly as if to savor the moment, and then the door closed. Still gritting my teeth, I watched the opening underneath the door until her shadow moved and the lantern light faded.

“Will you kill me?” Thais’ voice was so soft, and the request so stunning, that for a moment I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right.

Feeling the sting of guilt at even the thought of taking her life, I released her and stood, leaving her on the floor staring up at me, eyes full of pleading and pain. I looked away from her, shaking my head, and refused an answer to a question so outrageous it didn’t deserve one.

“I’m a coward,” she said, more to herself than to me it seemed. “If I can’t even take my own life…” She couldn’t finish.

“The last thing you are is a coward,” I scolded her in an even voice.

I sat heavily into the desk chair, the map of the United States of America laid out unfolded upon the desk, stirred by my movements.

“One more night,” I said, not looking at her. “Give me one more night and I’ll get you out of this city.” All I could see in front of me was the scenario: I’d wait until late, after most of the city was sleeping, and then I’d dress her in my military clothes, make her pin up her hair underneath a cap, strap a rifle to her shoulder, a backpack full of goods on her back, and set her atop the mare waiting at the stables.

“But there’s nothing for me anymore,” Thais said, wiping away the lingering tears on her cheeks. “There’s nowhere for me to go, and no one waiting for me there if by some miracle I make it alive. My mother and father are dead. My sister”—she looked up at me, and although I didn’t meet her gaze, I could feel her eyes on me—“my whole family is dead, and this world is dead and my soul is dead and everything that was once good and beautiful and right, is dead.”

I looked at her then, her words stirring me.

“That’s not true,” I said, and got up from the chair and crouched in front of her. “You may be the only good thing left in this world, and I’ll be goddamned if I let your light fade.”

Tears tumbled down Thais’ cheeks.

I took the gun that had fallen from her hand, tucked it into the back of my pants.

“Promise me you won’t try anything,” I said as I went toward the door. “Promise me on your sister’s soul, that you’ll stay in this room and wait for me.”

“Where are you going?”

“To get your supplies.” I placed my hand on the doorknob. “Don’t open this door for anyone.” I opened it to blackness; the candles lit in the hallway had burned down.

“Wait,” Thais called out, and I stopped.

---